When I say doldrums, I don’t want to give the impression that I’m really depressed; it’s more that I feel stagnant somehow, waiting for something to happen. I’ve been on Day 3 plenty of times before, and at this stage I usually feel pretty positive, as it’s all still new and fresh. Then – usually – I start to talk myself out of the whole sobriety thing, and I hit Friday night with renewed vigour for my drinking. How is this time going to be different? How can I make it different?
Well, this time I’ve got this blog. I said I was going to write something every day for at least 30 days. So if I don’t, you’ll know I’ve cheated, or can’t face you all. Over the past few months, there have been several people who have stuck by me, even when I told them that I didn’t want to continue being sober and wanted to try moderating. No one judged me; they just gently advised and stood beside me and let me find out for myself. I’ve never met these people in person. Unpickled and Mrs D were crucial to my decision to give sobriety a go, and once I began the 100 day challenge, Belle came into my life. She introduced me to Fernie, my wonderful sober penpal, who continued to email me even through my drinking patch. And Viatoday found me through an old BFB conversation, and contacted me when I was feeling really blue. These voices spoke to me from a lighter place, and helped me to begin again this time. And now that I’ve started this blog, I’ve found myself in touch with other bloggers whose blogs I’ve sometimes commented on, and it feels as though I have more support than ever.
How strange then that my sober support in the ‘real’ world is virtually non-existent. My husband doesn’t even know I’m writing a blog yet. And I can’t bring myself to tell my friends that I’m on this sober path as last time a couple of people said I was boring, and when I started drinking again one of them texted me to say, ‘Phew!’ So I don’t think people liked the non-drinking me.
Last night, I never got round to having that bath. I drank my herbal tea and went to bed, but had unsettling dreams – I seem to remember flashing lights! All quite disturbing. Not sure how the next few nights will go, but am beginning to feel itchy about the weekend, and the various social events I’ve got. I just need to remember my wise online friends and to carry on carrying on.