Doubts on Day 4

I hope I am not putting people off. I’d like to be more upbeat, but here I am on Day 4 and those niggling doubts have started to SHOUT OUT. After the first few days of feeling fired up with the new blog, and the routine of writing, today I have felt fed up. I guess this is to be expected, and I know from past experience that I need to plough through these feelings; in the last few months, I kept trying to restart on Day 1, and I would get to Day 2 or 3 and then give up. I wouldn’t tell anyone I was attempting it, because I didn’t want anyone to stop me if I went back to drinking. This of course is why the blog and the accountability is good, because now if I go back, I will have to explain myself to you, or just disappear. And I definitely don’t want to disappear. Disappearing is bad.

The blog is good. The blog is good.

It’s not that I’m having trouble not drinking. It’s that I’m having trouble with the idea of not drinking. I want to be NORMAL. I want to have wine if I want.

The evenings so far have been fine, and it is so uplifting to see the children pleased that I’m drinking just water at dinner. I haven’t told my husband what I’m doing, so I think he thinks I’m still on that no wine Monday-Thursday plan which we’d made last week, and that come Friday I’ll be waving the wine bottle about. He is a lovely man, but he doesn’t think I need to stop drinking; he thinks I need to have days off during the week, and then drink less when I do drink. And that sounds ideal, doesn’t it! But we all know that those plans never seem to work out.

I’ve stopped shouting now. Even the writing of this post has helped me to feel calmer, and a little bit more sure about what I’m doing.

Because this blog is good.

26 thoughts on “Doubts on Day 4”

  1. My husband is exactly the same. When I told him that I needed to stop drinking he said that I just needed to drink less. I don’t think he realised just how bad it had got and that once I’d started drinking there was no way I could stop (until I’d run out of things to drink or passed out). Tell him you’re doing the 100 day challenge, for yourself, to see if you can do it. It’s easy to say that to people at first. Everybody just thinks it’s a health kick then and don’t ask too many questions. You can cross the next bridge when you get to it. The important thing is not to have a drink today. Then don’t have one tomorrow. Have a stack of treats in to get you through the weekend and before you know it you’ve done your first week. Day 4. That’s more than half way through the first week.

    1. This is very helpful. Today has been a panicky day, when I’ve been worrying about the future rather than taking it one day at a time. And I’ll work on those treats. Annie x

      1. Try not to worry. Just try to be happy that you’re actually doing something to make your life better.

  2. This blog is good. Take your husbands comments with a grain of salt. What he really wants is for you to be happy. He is probably treading carefully. Mine did. Now, after 9 months of sobriety, he is much more open with me that he was very worried about how much I was drinking and is really glad I quit.
    Focus on one day at a time. Because no one knows what the future would bring. These first days and weeks are hard and scary. It’s easier to stick with what you know, even if what you know is ruining your health and impacting your life in negative ways. But change can bring about enourmous benefits.

    I never had a rock bottom. I have a high profile professional job, a lovely house, a great family. I never got a DUI or even had anyone say they thought I drank too much. But I knew inside that I did. And that was causing me so much self loathing and shame and 3 am regret.

    Give it some time. One day you will wake up, proud to not be hungover, and realize just how beautiful and fulfilling and joyous your life is. The booze is hiding that.

    You are on the right path!

    Anne

    1. Thanks, Anne. I know that I need to give it time. I’m treading very carefully through these first days, as I’ve slipped here before. Thanks for being here. Annie x

  3. I never had a rock-bottom either. Until this past Labor Day holiday. It’s still too fresh and horrifying for me to write about. But rock-bottom it was/is.

    I’m terrified to stop drinking. My husband is a drinker. It’s what we do. But he never seems to get hostile/hysterical/black-out drunk. He has been telling me to ‘just have a couple’ or ‘just drink on the weekends’ and y’all. Y’ALL. we all know it doesn’t work. No normal drinker lies in bed wondering if they’re an alcoholic. Thinking about ‘managing’ their drinking.

    I cried when I told him I was quitting. YESTERDAY. I don’t want to not drink. What about that delicious feeling when the first vodka tonic has gotten washed down, and the second it in your hands? And you know the third is only a nod to the bartender away…

    But I want no more drama, no more hangovers, no more barfing, no more tight pants, no more drama (yeah, it’s worth saying twice) more than I want to drink. I just hope that feeling stays with me. Because it’s day 2 and I’m afraid of the weekend.

    1. You’re not alone, Casey. I too am afraid of the weekend. Kind people commenting on my blog have told me to take it one day at a time; and a recent Bubble Hour podcast talked about taking it an hour at a time. Have you heard The Bubble Hour? It’s really helpful. I totally get what you’re saying about the delicious vodka tonic; try to fast forward through that first sip and remember what happens after several glasses. I’m trying to write here every day, so hope you can keep reading, as I try and push through the next few difficult days. Annie x

    2. I felt this way for years. Inside I was desperate to quit. Instead I did extreme exercise, extreme dieting. I became an anxious and depressed control freak. But I could not figure out how to go from that insanity to sobriety. Mondays I would insist no more. Fridays I was chilling to white. Over and over again. I hated myself.

      One day someone told my husband they thought he needed to quit. That wa the lifeline I needed. I was finally honest and said me too.
      We went form the booziest couple in town to the sober it’s. We go to AA together. We talk. I love him more than ever because I love myself now.

      It was complicated. I got a good therapist. I spent a lot of time taking care of myself. Yoga, chocolate, baths, kindness. Antidepressants to help with a long term depression I refused to acknowledge.

      And today my life is amazing. I’m happy every morning. I go to bed at peace. I’m not missing out on things because I don’t drink. I’m enjoying them more and driving home.
      You can too.

      Anne

  4. Hi Annie, Boy, we are feeling the same things! Thank you for your blog, and your comment on mine today reminded me that what I’m doing- all the damn work at being sober- I need to do right now. Also, I need to remind myself that it’s ok to feel like shit, ok to cry, ok to scream a little- as long as I don’t drink. Today is a sad day for me- day 3. Let’s keep in touch and do this together- I also am doing the 100 day challenge after changing my day 1 a few too many times this summer. I’m not going to do it again. I really want to feel what day 100 feels like. Let’s do it. Let’s see what changes. Don’t disappear, you are doing a wonderful job! xo

  5. I totally get it! I am feeling much better today, but the past couple, I have actually been a raving lunatic of emotion. I think I posted the 13th post or something like that on my blog today and it is good. No matter whether I am in a good, upbeat mood, or just pissed off, it helps. THE BLOG IS GOOD! Every day is a constant struggle to not give in, not disappear. Try to charge into the weekend with the bottle still full and just worry about you. We are the only ones who truly know that “just drinking on the weekends” only works for those lucky, sensible drinkers. Stay strong!

  6. Annie… the blog IS good and I’m glad I found you. I’m only a few days ahead of you and feel the same way you do. my husband isn’t as impressed as I am with my new found sobriety. in fact today he said he didn’t think I needed to quit, but “do what you have to do”. not exactly a battle cry to rally the troops!!!

    Anne @ainsobriety…. wow, you sound like you’re singing my song!!! the self loathing and 3am wave of shame were the worst and I’m so glad to be rid of them!!!

  7. Ak – don’t stop blogging! I just joined the community because the M-Th plan doesn’t work for me either, even though Im still in a state of denial a little bit. I started my blog with a pledge not to drink tonight and I still fully expect to drink on day three. Anyway, the way I see it, the more of us here to support each other, the better.

    http://goodchoicesblog.wordpress.com

  8. Great job Annie! Your blog is good! It is working. And you will have 5 days under your belt before Friday comes along – so smart! I need to get a September post up on mine soon. In the meantime, thank you for your openness. It has been really helpful to read some of the new blogs – yours and others I have discovered here!

  9. Hey Annie – been thinking of you. Sending BIG hugs. Hang in there. After reading the comments you have a lot of people pulling for you, myself included. I’m almost done with day 4. Took coming home from work and climbing into bed for 2 hours, but I didn’t drink – yeah me – yeah you – yeah all of us!! And per some of the comments, it doesn’t matter what other people think of our drinking, what matters is what we think – yes? So here’s to a new day of waking up sober…it will get better.

  10. Hi Annie, so hard to do, but try to stick all those thoughts and worries about the future to the back of your mind for a bit. You said 30 days, so just don’t even question it for the next 25 now, bat those thoughts about the future away, worry about them later. Get your 30 in.
    And look at all this brilliant support on your blog!! So so lovely 🙂 🙂 xx

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