Day 5: too many rules

I’m always setting myself rules: only drink one glass of every different drink offered; don’t drink during the week; only drink during the week; drink a glass of water in between each glass of wine; never initiate drinking. You know the sort of thing. And I don’t think I have EVER been successful in maintaining these rules. In my attempt to moderate recently, I would pound the park with the dog and come up with the most absurd ideas in order to keep drinking – anything to avoid stopping altogether.

This did not work. By 7pm every night, I’d be tucking into the gin & tonics, opening the wine, guzzling whatever I could find. And long after supper was over and my husband and I had chatted over that sociable bottle or two, I would stay up and search for more. Then I’d hide the empty bottles. And when I thought about this later, I couldn’t rationalise it, but I’d do it anyway.

For the last few evenings, I’ve changed the routine. Once the kids are back from school, and while I get supper ready, I check my blog and read others’ blogs, thereby avoiding that sip sip sip. We all eat together – this is a new venture as I used to feed the kids first so I could drink more with my husband – and they are pleased to see I’m not drinking. Then I wash up straightaway and once I’ve put the kids to bed I pretty much go to bed myself. Clearly this is not exciting stuff, but it’s what I need to do at the moment to stop myself thinking too much about what I’m doing. Because otherwise I’m going to start making those rules again.

At least 20 times today, I have considered writing a post to say goodbye, to give up my blog because I’m so frightened that I won’t be able to sustain it and that I’ll let you all down. But for the moment, I will keep writing and please forgive me if I sound muddled.