It is clear that I am panicking. About an hour ago, I texted the friend who is hosting this birthday lunch for me tomorrow and said that I would be having a glass of wine after all. Her response was that she didn’t want to be responsible for my falling off the wagon, but that there was wine in the fridge.
Then I went out for a walk with the dog. I tried to listen to the end of a Bubble Hour podcast about how you feel in early sobriety – those people are so wonderful. But I couldn’t concentrate and my mind kept wandering; I kept checking my emails as I walked along and I didn’t know where I was going.
I keep having visions of how this celebratory weekend will be with or without drink. I would like to have dinner tomorrow with my husband and have some wine; I would like to celebrate my birthday with some fizz. I don’t want to be saying no all the time.
I feel completely overwhelmed writing about my experiences at the moment. BUT, at the same time, I am blown away by the community out there, and by how caring everybody is.
I am still on Day 5 and I still haven’t had a drink.
8 thoughts on “Still here”
I can so relate, and as someone who hates rules and self-deprivation and is really new to this, I too am hoping that I can say yes sometimes. Like a birthday. And I don’t want to disappoint people, any more than I want to disappoint people by being a lush and perhaps conveying the message that I don’t want to be around them without a drink. After my break I intend to be able to drink socially and celebratory, and while I don’t know whether having a birthday drink for you will actually equate to failure or just management, I for one will still support you and your blogging either way. Having just started my blog and hoping that my last drink was not my “last” drink, I’m hoping that i’ve entered a community that will be tolerant if I turn out to be a sometimes drinker.
Ah now I understand 🙂 It is up to you whether you drink or not on your birthday but maybe you’d have just a nice a time without booze?
I enjoy your blog and admire your honesty and courage, I am 11 days now, so I am still quite early in this recovery journey. What has helped me when faced with times of celebration is playing out the event with sober eyes. There will be no shame or guilt to ruin your special day. The colors will be bright, the conversations remembered, no shame filled hang over, and most important, you will be so proud and amazed that you faced this challenge and won!! Keep blogging. I am learning so much from you. You can do this.
Glad you are still here! And happy birthday to YOUUUUUU! Maybe instead have tons of cake and candy on your birthday. I never used to eat sweets until I stopped drinking so much wine- probably b/c my body would have gone into a sugar coma. If you get through this birthday without drinking I can guarantee you will be over the mood proud of yourself, and that is so worth it. We are here is you need us:) Big hugs
How about doing something different for your birthday – a picnic somewhere? breakfast at a nice bistro? a woodland walk + toasting marshmallows & having hot chocolate? afternoon tea? Just somewhere you don’t normally associate with drinking with friends. THen nobody has to feel uncomfortable and you’ve taken away the risk factor.
I just want to say not having a cookie is self deprivation.
Not having wine is self preservation.
There are many other options out there to have with dinner.
Know that you are not letting anyone down regardless what you choose to do. We have all been there.
We have all promised ourselves we would drink less often, drink less, drink more water, eat more, etc.
I understand how hard this is. I have so many day 1s. I never drank during the week. But Friday night I always gave in.
And I hated myself by Monday.
I don’t miss that feeling and I don’t miss the booze. But to get past this is work. Sober work. And all you have to do is not drink.
Hugs from me. You are doing an exciting thing!
I am thinking of you Annie and so proud of you! Please don’t worry about disappointing us. The relationship you have with you is the key here. Your blog is helping you step outside yourself and I think that is really good!