In the middle of nowhere

Wow, I’m feeling absolutely miserable today.  It’s probably my fault for talking about pink clouds in an earlier post.  I thought I was bowling along just fine, but today – WHAM, I feel in a bad place.  Is this normal? Is this to be expected?  11 days in? I took the dog for a walk just now, around 5.30pm, and in the past few days that has worked a treat.  But no, I’m back at home and staring into a metaphorical bottle of gin.  Don’t worry, I haven’t drunk any, but it feels temptingly close by.

Am I destined always to wish I were somewhere else?  I mean, am I always going to be regretting?  Regretting not drinking, regretting drinking, just plain old regretting?

I was looking at some sober blogs yesterday, and got suddenly frightened when I saw that one or two had been deleted.  Is that what happens?  Do people delete their blogs when they’ve had enough, or is it a good sign, a sign that they are living a happy, sober life and don’t need their blogs anymore?

I have asked eight questions in this post.  Here’s a ninth: what am I doing?

13 thoughts on “In the middle of nowhere”

  1. Hi Annie Yes this happens and it happens more than we would hope in the early days. Have you read about PAWS? You might want to google it 🙂 I can’t answer all of your questions and sometimes bloggers do disappear and we don’t always know why or how they are now doing. You are doing great, just hang in there xx

  2. You are feeling uncertain. Choosing a sober path is both scary and exhilarating. It takes a while to figure out!
    You are destined to be you. A wonderful, happy, content you.
    Life will always have some downs. These are the times when you are kindest and gentlest with yourself. When you assure yourself things will be ok and you do the next right thing.
    And stay away from the gin. It’s full of lies and empty promises!


  3. No you’re not destined to always wish you were somewhere else and always be regretting!! It does get better, relatively quickly, I’d say – although it might not feel like it right now. Yes, life will always have it’s ups and downs, but drinking that gin won’t do anything to produce more ‘ups’, in fact quite the reverse, I think!! xx

  4. It’s early early days and you will by no means always feel like this. I remember going completely bonkers at about this stage and thinking, what the heck am I doing? What if I’m being over the top and ridiculous and putting myself through all this crap when I might not even have a problem? I mailed Belle and she mailed back saying, maybe you don’t have a problem, maybe you do. Just don’t drink for 100 days, it’s that simple.
    (Now, as I’m typing this, I remember recounting this anecdote before. It wasn’t to you, was it? Am I turning into one of those mad old ladies saying the same thing over and over?)
    BTW, Belle was right. And now, from the distance of 7 months, it is entirely clear to me that I did have a problem and stopping drinking was a most excellent idea. I’m not saying it’s the same for you – but I’m sure if you give yourself some booze free time and space, then you will gain a new perspective on your own life. Cut yourself some slack. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Have treats.
    Oh, and it DOES get better. Hugs. xx

  5. in my view – re the first batch of questions, you can probably judge for yourself that the feelings you are having are within the ‘usual’ range of emotions experienced at this stage. and while knowing that doesn’t make them any easier, at least you know you are not alone.

    regarding the regret thing – there is a line I came across somewhere which I quote often, as it really helps me, so apologies if you have heard it before! it is this:

    “I would rather spend the rest of my life sober, occasionally wishing I could have a drink, than the rest of my life drinking, constantly wishing I could be sober.” because I think that is a realistic summary of my options at this point, and I know which one I prefer! and the latter option – that is true regret.

    hang in there. keep going, questions and all. what luxury to be in a position to have questions and therefore options, not just the dead-end of alcohol.

  6. Dear Path, congrats on your 11th day! Very good! 🙂

    I guess it is different for different people, I don’t have stopping with drinking regrets, I was very close to doing very stupid things and all of these dark thoughts disappeared directly (!) after quitting. Other shit popped up but now I finally get to work on that. So, I guess I am in a good place now. Not speaking about the future, but hey, I’m here, and not in the future.

    When I stopped smoking I was less convinced but I used the following to keep me in line:
    ‘The urges that I have now proof the strength of the addiction.’
    ‘If this moment is so horrible, remember that you will have to go through everything again if you start now.’

    Also: to me it looks as if you involuntarily spend a lot of time thinking about how difficult it is. That can work as a sort of ‘brainwash’. As an excersise you could try the opposite: “I am so happy that I quit.’ and really try to feel it. I always think, if I am brainwashing myself with repetitive thoughts, I might as well choose the nicers ones… 😉

    Hope it helps. 🙂

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