Panic on Day 20

I have to admit to you all that I’m in a bit of a panic. I’ve reached Day 20 but I’m not feeling good about it, as I hoped I would; I’m feeling frustrated, angry even, and I want to drink like a normie. I’m about to hit Friday night, and I think that’s been tough for me each week so far (this is my 3rd Friday), and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier!

I’ve read lots of sober blogs today, I’m half way through ‘The Good House’, and yet I still feel like opening a bottle of red this evening and having a couple of warm glasses once the kids are in bed. My husband is away, no one will know. Except that I will know. And you will know, because I’ll have to tell you. I can’t keep writing this blog and not tell you; and if I don’t write the blog, you’ll know anyway. And I’m not going to lie because that would be pointless.

As I drove back from school just now, I found myself following a wine merchant’s van. Free delivery! It’s a sign, I thought, a sign that I should give up giving up and just go with the flow.

Sorry for this negative post, but I wanted to write now, while I was having these bad thoughts. I’m not doing a very good job of this, am I!

27 thoughts on “Panic on Day 20”

  1. You’re doing a great job Annie šŸ™‚ I did this too – the ‘shall I shan’t I?’ dance but it’s wolfie getting louder because he senses he’s loosing his grip. Hold strong and take every minute as it comes but also know that if you hang on – it will pass. Will be thinking of you xx

  2. Remember the mantra. God, please take away my desire. Will those couple of hours make you feel better in the long run? No! Don’t do it. Read your old posts. That might help too.

    1. Reading old posts is a good idea. I looked back at the previous Fridays and saw that I was feeling pretty similar on those days. It helps to know that. Annie x

  3. Annie you have helped all of us out here SO much hopefully we can give you a little back. You’re stronger than that bottle!! I’m only on day 13 and would not have made it this far without you or Unpickled. I read some of the blogs over and over, it gives me strength. Read, read, read let everyone’s words wrap around you like a big warm hug! You can do this, saying some prayers for you and looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow no matter what. šŸ’—

    1. I love the idea of your words being like a warm hug. Because that’s exactly how they make me feel. Heartfelt thanks for your support, and well done on Day 13 (now Day 14?). Annie x

  4. Do you have local support…like AA friends? Pick up the phone and call someone, or go to a meeting. Tell om your disease. It’s dancing on your mind. You don’t have to drink.

  5. There is a real feeling of loss in early sobriety for some people.
    I know I had to grieve for the life I felt I was leaving behind. For the familiarity of wine on the weekend. For a champagne toast. For booze in general.

    But now I see I was just allowing myself to be scared. Scared of a new life, that I knew nothing about. Would it be boring, lonely, full of basement AA and depression?

    If only I could tell you how amazing it is. How my fears were unfounded. How I have found an inner joy and strength that I never knew.

    How much family life is better, my kids calmer and happier.

    Because all these are gifts of sobriety.

    Stick with us. Leave the wine behind. It has nothing to offer you.

    1. This is so so helpful. Because I do feel as though I’m mourning something. And that makes me feel stupid – it was just wine, after all, what’s the big deal?? And yet I feel lost without it in some ways. Annie x

  6. Trying to channel some strength back to you that you have given me. Would not have made it to day 13 without you and Unpickled! You can do this!

  7. Hi Annie, I am 12 hours ahead of you – I just made it through with 2 hours of Coronation Street. I hope you did too! turn the voices off in your head, don’t listen to them!!
    you are doing well and more rewards will follow.

  8. Hey Annie, hope you’re OK. I found Fri nights so tough at the beginning, but it does, it does get easier. And Saturday mornings are so much lovelier. Enjoy your mornings for now, and before you know it, Friday nights will be a breeze šŸ™‚ Anne is rights, the gifts of sobriety are many – hang in there šŸ™‚ xx

  9. I know these feelings Annie. What has helped me in the past during times like these is anything to keep me busy and feeling accomplished until the thoughts start dissipating: fresh clean sheets on your bed and a hot cup of tea; clean until you are tired; cry; eat some candy; get yourself something special- flowers, food, magazine, something you wouldn’t normally get; take a long walk; cook something; or just go to bed and hide under your covers and wake up proud in the morning. Wake up proud:) you can do it, you are doing so great, xo

  10. Please be back tomorrow!!! You can do this! Just returned from dinner and was the only one not drinking. Survived! On to one week sober tomorrow!!!

  11. good morning and hope you are reading this feeling bright eyed, busy tailed and bloody proud of yourself! because this IS really, really hard – but it does get gloriously easier in what is really a comparatively short time if you can get through the crevasse of the early days. I literally felt like a new woman at under 80 days…I did one of those ‘to me on day 1’ posts here – about how I felt about finding a half full bottle of wine in the fridge when my husband had been away for a couple of days…

    change IS possible. and you are DOING it! xx

    1. Thanks, FFF. I’ve been reading your old posts and find them very helpful. You are on an amazing path, and I like that it feels so real when I’m reading about it. Annie x

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