High heels hurt

Day 23 and I’d like to be in a calmer place, but I’m still having these wretched conversations with myself about when/how I can drink again, sometime in the future. It’s annoying. I was so grateful for people’s comments yesterday (and every day!), and their ideas were good. They know, and I know, that drinking again is not a good idea, not if I want to have a happy life.

Lovely Bea at besoberbea wrote a timely post about the reality of drinking as opposed to the alluring image of it we have in our minds. She reminded me of the good things we achieve when we’re sober, all the things we get done, and when I look back at my weekend, at the last 23 days, I can see that my family’s world has been a calmer place with a clear-headed me in it. And yet, for some extraordinary, irrational reason, I find myself mulling over the alternative. One of the things I think I’m missing is chewing the fat with my husband over a bottle of wine, the way one can linger and talk. Meals seem quite hurried now, and because I’m so alert I dive into the washing up minutes after eating and do all sorts of other organized things before bedtime. It’s not very relaxing.

It makes me think of stilettos: I think they’re glamorous to wear, and for about 20 seconds they look good at the beginning of a party, but then they hurt and you want to take them off and be in bare feet. And nobody notices anyway. And if you are determined to wear them for the duration of the party, and for every party after that, you end up with bunions. And then it’s not so easy to get your perfect feet back.

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14 thoughts on “High heels hurt”

  1. It is hard to focus on one day at a time and leave those worries aside.
    You have noticed on example of where you feel the loss of booze.
    Is there a way to change that? Could you and your husband start having a special coffee or tea after dinner to prolong to conversation?
    One thing I noticed was that when we changed out talk from booze based to sober my husband and I actually had a real conversation. With openness and truth, much of which I had hidden from him to look “perfect”.

    It might surprise you.

    Anne

    Yay day 23

  2. The high heels is a good analogy. I worried about the lack of connection with my other half as our drinking time had been disrupted but you just find new ways to connect 🙂

  3. As the rush to drink begins to fade perhaps time will become more malleable and allow you the moments to linger and stay, Time of your choosing.

    Enjoying your writing. Thank you.

  4. You are doing some really good thoughtful work here. It’s helpful to read your journey, b/c I’m right behind you, walking along side. I don’t have a partner to compare what has changed in that way- but I’ve noticed little changes that my kids will notice later (or at least appreciate). I’m not as uptight- I’m not as impulsive- more calm and thoughtful all around. I think in my times of frustration, I also am noticing these are the times of exhaustion when I have forgotten to think about me and what I need to heal and begin to live in a different way. I forget that this journey is not all about just ending the drinking. It’s about becoming the real ME that I’m proud of, and to do that, I need to nurture myself. And I hope this same thing for you Annie:) We are doing this! xo

  5. I have never commented on a sober blog, but I felt compelled to respond to your post about your struggles. First, I get a lot out of your blog, I also have given up alcohol (day 20 for me) so we are on the same time frame. I too was looking much too forward to wine every day. I didn’t really drink all that much (1-2 glasses tops) but daily drinking was causing debilitating migraines, which I continued to drink through, and managed with medication (very alcoholic behavior) as well as causing increased blood pressure.

    You are not wrong to be mourning the loss of the ritual of social drinking with your husband. While I feel really good without my daily dose, I acknowledge that I have also lost something. Drinking a glass of wine at the end of the day was really pleasurable. Unfortunately, I could not keep it to just once and a while, and I think there are real health hazards for daily alcohol intake, especially for women. However, it does really suck to have to give up something that, at least in part, was a good thing. Mostly it was a bad thing, but in part, some good stuff was there as well.

    Sometimes life is just not fair. You are right to embrace the good part of sobriety, and equally correct to mourn the loss of what had to have been some good times with wine. Speaking for myself, I could not control it, it controlled me, and I have given it up (at least I am trying). Good luck with your journey, you can do it, it is worth it.

    1. Hi Aileen. Thanks for commenting, and for your wise words. I think you’re right: along with a good, purposeful feeling in recovery comes a sad feeling of loss. I’m certainly feeling that. Annie x

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