So, I have reached Day 30. Those of you who have read some of this blog will know that I was originally set a challenge of not drinking for 30 days, and writing about it every day. And I have done it! It has been a difficult but fascinating few weeks. Certainly, writing a daily blog has helped enormously, and I am so grateful for everybody’s comments. The routine of thinking what to write, writing, and reading people’s responses has become part of my life this September; in particular, the moments when I’ve been really struggling and have turned to the blog to get those tricky feelings down – that has been amazing.
What now? I had a long conversation with my husband about this at the weekend. I think he thinks the blog has taken over somewhat; whenever he comes into the kitchen it seems as though I am poring over the iPad, writing or checking. But he acknowledges that it has been successful. He says he hasn’t read it, and I really don’t think he has! I have the sense that he would like me to be normal – by that I mean have a glass of wine with him here and there. We discussed next weekend when we are going to a school drinks party on Friday and a dinner party on Saturday, and he suggested I drive to both events, and then have some wine with him when we get home!
Part of me doesn’t want to say to him that I can’t/shouldn’t do that, because part of me is still holding out for the idea that I can drink again. I asked him, ‘Can I ever be drunk again? Isn’t that sometimes fun?’ He said, ‘No, I don’t think you should ever be drunk again. That should be your aim.’ Or words similar to that.
There were moments at the weekend when I envisaged drinking again; there were also moments when I enjoyed the possibility of not drinking again. I’d like to ask you all: if I do drink again, do I write about it here? Or is that a possible trigger for people? Do I only write if I continue to be sober? If I don’t write, will everyone assume I’m drinking?
My friends, what shall I do?