As I say, Day 38, and yet… I’m still wavering. On the positive side, I’ve started to get used to my sober life, and am enjoying all the benefits: better sleep, more patience, being more productive.
And yet… I still hanker after something. I think it’s the idea of a really nice glass of wine with my husband. I don’t want to go mad, I don’t want to drink rubbish at parties, I don’t even want a cocktail (and I used to be all about the cocktails); I just want to sit down with my husband once the kids are in bed, and sip a glass of wine.
SIGH. It is difficult. I know that 38 days is good, and that my day by day tackling of this is working well. But I still have this feeling that I don’t want to continue in this way.
I am not sure yet what I am going to do. For the moment, I am going to carry on soberly, but as we near the weekend, I’m not so sure. I think that’s why I haven’t written for a day or two, as I had these unsettling thoughts and didn’t want to upset you all!
A Dappled Path 
I wavered on Sunday. Gave in because I had worked an overnight and was in “I earned it” mode. You know the story– one turned into 4 cocktails. Woke up Monday hungover, agitated. Got my sorry ass to AA by 1130 yesterday morning. It’s not worth it. Starting over again. Damned and determined to make it to my 46th birthday in November sober. Stay strong. It’s worth it. I feel like I’m laying at the bottom of a hole on my back looking up.
As many can tell you and probably will…. you are the only one that can do this. Don’t do it for us, them, or AA do it for you, that is the only way that it will work.
I’ve not struggled with drinking , but have smoked cigarettes. It is the same thing when it comes to quitting. One will never be enough. Oh, maybe in the beginning. By the time you’ve finished your one a few days later it will be two. And since you had two on a Thursday evening, What the heck…. might as well start all over on Monday.
It’s just the way us addicts think, and it’s not really rational.
No………I started drinking again on day 38, even though I was doing quite well…and I am still struggling to come back from that! I think the ideas of things can sometimes be better than the things themselves. You know? The idea of a nice glass of wine. Such a nice idea, but probably not reality at all. You probably know that reality would be much, much different… and not good at all.
I hope you make it through these cravings and these thoughts… the addictive mind is trying to trick you, I think. It’s mad that you’re doing well and wants to sabotage that. Please tell it who is boss!! Because all it really wants to do is kill you. It’s not your friend.
Anyway, just wanted to say something, since this hit close to home. Please be strong. 🙂
Annie You’ve made mention of having AF sparkling wine with your husband before. What’s to stop you having a glass of AF red or white instead? Still have the ritual and the coming together – just minus the alcohol 🙂 Just a thought xx
Hi Annie
pretty good stuff that these Gals above have written, I am with them. scary but true. xxx
Hey Annie
Been reading your blog and wise words, no words of wisdom to add, I struggle to manage 8 days never mind 38. You are doing amazingly well and are a real inspiration to me. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.
If It is the getting together with your husband that’s what you want, a new ritual might be what you need. Cheese and crackers! A quick walk? After dinner tea? Alcohol is not truly adding to your interaction.
One a person has a problem with alcohol it is not easily fixed. Thing back on how long it took you to get to 38 days.
For me, that would be years. Years where I wanted to quit, but just never did.
Once I got that sober momentum going I held on.
I’ve had lots of second thoughts. Maybe I can use mindfulness to control myself…maybe now that I am no longer depressed I can have a few social drinks…
But the thought of losing everything I have gained for the sake of a glass of wine shows just how insane alcohol is.
If you could take it or leave it you wouldn’t be wavering. So the safe road is to leave it.
Anne
Never worry about upsetting any of us out here! (Assuming I can speak for others.) We’re all in the same boat and because you’re brave enough to share your struggles with us we’re all stronger. Write when you feel it or need it. 💗
Good honesty! The first time I really tried to quit this summer, I used the word “wavering” a lot. It is so uncomfortable to be in the in between decision phase… I hated it. This time, I’m still wavering here and there but I try SO hard to picture the actual drinking that would take place and what I would feel like to lose my 37 days just to do something that I was begging the universe to help me stop…I love your honest journey here Annie, you should be really proud of yourself:) xo
Do you think you can drink in moderation?
I think it is fair to say anyone writing a sober blog has tried at moderation for a long time. And it just doesn’t work.
The question was directed to Annie. It is not an endorsement of moderation, sobriety, or any particular choice.
love what Mallards said in particular, ‘losing my 37 days just to do something that I was begging the Universe to help me stop’. EXACTLY.
these thoughts you are having are worth recording. getting them down here helps to crystallise them so you can address them.
where would you like to be 38 days from now? what would that person say to you today?
If I thought I could moderate I’d still be knocking it back. I tried moderating for over 20 years and it just didn’t work for me. I’ve probably said that before.
I’d love, genuinely love, to have a glass of red wine but I know, 100%, that I won’t stop at one – maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of my life. (I love a good line and it’s so apt here.)
We all want to ‘just be able to drink like a normal person.’ I know I can’t, but I had to learn the hard way. I’m so, so grateful to everyone who supported me when I made my decision to JUST STOP! If anyone, particularly my partner, had said what your husband said, I’d have taken it as an excuse to share a drink with him and I’d be right back where I started, but worse off, because I’d know I was lying to myself that I could control the drinking. I can’t.
It’s entirely your choice. I won’t condemn you for trying to find out what I found out the hard way, but I so, so, hope you don’t have to go down that road.
Popped over from elsewere. Hello. I think regarding posting, this is YOUR blog and so what you write is up to you. I’d share the good or the bad thoughts. I walked away from my (old) blog when I drank. Now I’ve promised whatever the day, wherever I am I’ll write and be honest about how I’m feeling. You’re not letting anyone down but not expressing how you feel. But, I do think your inner voice needs to be, erm, voiced. I’m stopping for a while to see how I go. I stop, I start, I stop, I start.
I wish you what’s best for you.
Hugs and off to read more, thanks for sharing the blog. Its inspiring for someone new at stopping to see someone so far along.
Thanks for that.
My weekends are the death of me. I work a 4 day week, so I have Thursday thru Sunday nights at home and every Thursday morning, I am battling with myself about what the weekend will hold and will I fail. When I fail, I fail on the weekends! But you are doing great. Glad to know I am not the only waver-er out there!
Lydia
That was me too. No drinking Monday-Thursday. Then I made up for it.
The soul crushing Monday morning regret just got too much to bear.
Annie, you are doing great taking one day at a time. And if you need to, do one hour at a time at night. Lucy’s idea of a non-alcoholic drink at night with your husband just to get through those evening hours is great – sparkling water, or a glass of Pellegrino or cranberry Juice with lime, or one of the many mocktails on Mrs. D.’s new site? Day 40 is in sight and that is a huge accomplishment!
Hi Annie, I love alcohol free beer. We affectionately call it beerless beer in our house. When I drank alcohol it was only ever wine, never beer, so it feels like a new drink to me. I have it in a Waterford crystal glass with homemade pitta crisps and sit and chat with my husband. It is EXACTLY like having a drink in the old days but without the alcohol. I would NOT have been able to achieve 65 days sober without my beerless beer. X