Not me

Day 39. I was going to wait until tomorrow to write, but am feeling so out of sorts and anxious that I’m writing now. You would think that having got this far I’d be grateful and calm. I’m not. I feel knotted inside, and as though I don’t want to be doing this. I remember feeling this sort of thing around Day 5 – what am I doing back here now?

I have read some really helpful posts today about the dangers of moderating, and yet that’s what I feel I want to try and do. Even though I’m nearly at Day 40. This day counting is beginning to make me go mad.

It’s nearly 6.30pm and, unusually, I’m on my own – children out, husband on his way home from work. In fact, he’s just texted to say he’s stuck on a train. And about 10 minutes ago, I seriously considered making myself an alcoholic drink and just being done with all my sober work. Because I feel tired of it, tired of the pressure I feel, tired of thinking about it all the time, tired of the energy I feel I’m putting into it.

I love writing my blog and I am still amazed and humbled by the support I’ve found here, the friends I’ve got here.

But I’m tired.

13 thoughts on “Not me”

  1. Hang in there Annie. I made it to 5 months once and then gave in and now I am back at the beginning again. Think about tomorrow and what you will feel starting Day 1 again. Thinking of you and will be reading more to get to know you better. xx

  2. Annie, it’s baffling how this addiction wants us so bad. I’m telling you, you will feel horrendous after. The anxiety guilt and agitation is not worth it. I’m pulling for you!!!! I hate the internal
    Battle. 😘

  3. Sweetie this feeling IS dreadful yes – but it will pass if you can hang on. “So glad I had that glass of wine last night, it was totally the right decision.” Said no-one, never.

    Focusing on the positives of what you HAVE is really helpful. Hang in there! Xx

  4. I so understand this! When we’re drinking, we keep thinking about not drinking, and when we’re not drinking, all we think about is drinking! It’s insane! It’s a wonder any of us make it through the day, isn’t it? 😉

    Whtever choice you make, believe me, you are understood and supported.

  5. It is tiring. Draining. Soul crushing. You are doing a hard thing.
    We are all behind you. Regardless. You are worthy and enough and valuable. Today and always. Believe that.

  6. I have wondered long and hard about moderation, and think every time I can do it. I’m sat here after having 2 glasses of wine, knowing I will finish the bottle, and wish I could turn back the clock and have a cup of tea.

  7. Is there anything you can do to take a little of the pressure off…deal with some of the exhaustion? Meditate (even just try a couple minutes with eyes closed…breathing…. or try ten minutes…not trying to DO anything…just breathe) or sleep? Eat something delicious? Read? Watch TV/Netflix/Movies? Excercise?

    I probably already said this, but when I was on day 38 I thought I could drink “just once” and it’s been hell ever since (obviously cannot drink ‘just once’)
    It didn’t take the edge off my exhaustion… I had a drink, then my body went crazy and wanted more and more and I turned into a crazy monster… out of control. And after that, I was out of control, more than before.

    I heard our cravings go in cycles for awhile… and that each time they peak, if we make it through that peak, we change more of the wiring in our brains (for the better!) and that it won’t always be that hard. *hugs to you*

  8. Hi sweetie.. I hear you and I feel your pain, as you know I am bleeding with pain too. it totally sucks but booze wont make it better. I am not very happy with myself for swapping one addiction for another right now as you know, grrrrrr

  9. I just wanted to give you a huge hug and run you a lovely warm bath and hand you a book and tell you to relax and take some me time.
    Buy yourself some flowers, or pick some from the garden or walk in the park or just sit and read.
    You sound like you need some YOU time. I’m only on Day 5, so I can hardly comment about what its like to get so far.
    I’m still tired, but I’m hopeful it will pass like you’ve all said it will.

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