Day 39. I was going to wait until tomorrow to write, but am feeling so out of sorts and anxious that I’m writing now. You would think that having got this far I’d be grateful and calm. I’m not. I feel knotted inside, and as though I don’t want to be doing this. I remember feeling this sort of thing around Day 5 – what am I doing back here now?
I have read some really helpful posts today about the dangers of moderating, and yet that’s what I feel I want to try and do. Even though I’m nearly at Day 40. This day counting is beginning to make me go mad.
It’s nearly 6.30pm and, unusually, I’m on my own – children out, husband on his way home from work. In fact, he’s just texted to say he’s stuck on a train. And about 10 minutes ago, I seriously considered making myself an alcoholic drink and just being done with all my sober work. Because I feel tired of it, tired of the pressure I feel, tired of thinking about it all the time, tired of the energy I feel I’m putting into it.
I love writing my blog and I am still amazed and humbled by the support I’ve found here, the friends I’ve got here.
But I’m tired.