Day 40 and still counting

Thank you to everyone for your wise words yesterday. I can’t tell you how much they mean to me. I pore over them, and really think about them.

Today is my Day 40. I know for some people this is a drop in the AF ocean, but it still feels like a major milestone for me.

A couple of bloggers reached out and emailed me – thank you, my friends. One of them was advising me to stick with it, as I already had quite a few sober days behind me and that that was something to hold on to. Drinking again just wouldn’t be worth it. With this in mind, I thought it would be salutary to jot down some of the less good things I did when I was drinking: not major confession time, more a reminder of what I might be going back to if I were to go back:

* hiding half bottles of wine behind the large rice sack in the larder
* drinking several glasses of wine (or other alcoholic drink) while cooking but hiding the glass so the children wouldn’t see it
* lying to the children when they asked me what was in my glass (if they did spot it)
* being unable or unwilling to read them a story without a glass of wine in hand
* buying and consuming teeny tiny bottles of wine before opening large bottles with my husband
* shouting at a friend at a party when I’d been drinking for about 8 hours straight
* stealing my husband’s lethal miniature bottles of schnapps when on holiday and drinking them secretly (I’ve told him about this!)
* making sure there was no alcohol in the house on a previous sober attempt, then panicking and raiding the larder for liqueur chocolates. Desperate!

I could go on, but now I feel depressed and wish I hadn’t written the list 😦
I’ll publish this post before I think better of it and delete it.

13 thoughts on “Day 40 and still counting”

  1. Don’t be depressed. You were honest with yourself. It’s the denial or rationalizing that does us in… So glad you’re blogging. It gives me support and encouragement!!!

  2. don’t be depressed!! be happy that for 40 days you didn’t have to do any of those things 🙂 you’re not alone… I think about what i’d be going back if i decide to pick up again. none of it would be pretty or make my heart swell with pride. just get thru today and try not to be too daunted by thoughts of the future. congrats on 40 days!!!

  3. Good for you! I’ve been worried about you. Do you ever listen to the Bubble Hour? They have really good pod casts that can help you through. I like to listen when I’m driving by myself or folding laundry. Try them.

  4. Don’t be depressed. Be proud you no longer need to do those things.
    The great thing about the bubble hour is that everyone did the same things (or versions of them) and they admit and laugh about them.
    I had a bottle hidden in the garage. Sometimes in my closet. Could I really have been fooling my husband? I just don’t think so.

    Silly us. Glad those days are behind us! Now I hide chocolate because everyone else seems to get to it before me!

  5. well done for getting through and writing about it all. and its also ok to be depressed if you want to. I don’t think this needs to be some happy happy Facebook community 🙂 And why bother to blog if ones not going to be honest? I know its easier said than done and I also self edit but we do lose something by doing that too. After all its the honesty of these blogs that makes them so precious.

  6. How about hiding a bottle of Vodka in my tall boot box under the bed, or in the laundry basket with a can or two of tonic – heck with the limes! You are not alone!! At 34 days I think I can laugh a little about some of this. Still doing this privately for now, feels better this way. Feeling very pleased with myself, hope I can keep it this way. You have helped tremendously!!!! 💗

  7. If you cull through the posts of most of the sober blogs out here you’ll find a post like this, followed by another, and another and probably another. We need to get these things out of the darkness and into the light. The need to be out of our heads and onto the page where we can examine and REVISIT them as we need.

    This was genius and I’m so happy you’re still sober. Day 40 is AWESOME! Every day sober is a day you remained present in your life.

    Sherry

  8. forty days is a big achievement. each day you add to it is another layer of the new you, making it easier to keep going. I’ve talked on my blog about the ‘sober wall’ (a phrase from DDG’s blog). my sober wall is a source of strength and support to me, something I can rely on when life (including getting sober) is tough. because I know I’ve done it before, and that helps me do it again.

    keep building your sober wall! the task gets easier every day. promise! xx

  9. Hi Annie, I was bloody terrified for you and all of us when I read your Post today! I loved that you were totally honest, because that is what we have to be. I was terrified that we can get to this stage, but grateful that, you and I, and everyone else on this journey and can read this, and know they are doing something positive to change. I am even more glad that you never gave in on those previous 40 days, -after reading this,- I don’t think you would have felt better! WELL DONE ON DAY 40
    XXX

  10. Ach! As Sherry said, read enough stories out here and you will see that you are not alone in those things. You kidding? I used to drink vodka out of a bottled water bottle at the most inappropriate times (like teaching a college class or on the subway), I used to hide bottles like a champ and all sorts of foolishness that we all do to hide and justify our drinking. Not to be depressed about – bringing it out in an honest way is one way to move past the shame and guilt. Nothing more our alcoholism would love is to keep secrets. The more honest we are, the better. Sharing with others also shows we are not alone. Check your comments…we all have done that shit!!

    Blessings
    Paul

  11. I’m so glad you found a way that suited you. As for that list. I read it and thought.
    Dunnit
    Dunnit
    Dunnit
    Dunnit

    Don’t be depressed, your list reminded me of the reason why on Day 6 (not Day 40 like you!!!!!) I don’t want to cave in and have a drink this weekend.

    Thank you.

  12. After my last binge, while I was still feeling ashamed of my behaviour, I wrote a diary entry about it. Every time I come across it I realise why I can’t go back to the occasional drink / moderate drinking / drinking on special occasions. I can’t lie to myself that convincingly. I also treasure the mark on my ankle that I know is going to be a permanent scar from falling over that night. Feeling depressed is a bummer at the time but it passes. It’s part of letting go of the past and making the changes that make the future a more interesting, entertaining, honest and rewarding place to be. (Day 76.)

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