A change of heart

Monday morning, and I’m afraid I have a confession to make. Yesterday I had a drink. It wasn’t really a slip up; I could feel myself wanting to have a drink a few days before, so I sat with the thought, and tried to work through it. But inside, I knew that I didn’t want to continue with my teetotal path.

I was hesitant about writing a post, because I do not want people to think that it’s ok to drink if you’re on a sober path. One day at a time not drinking is so good, and I admire and support everyone who is doing that. You should definitely keep going! Don’t listen to me! But I didn’t want to leave my blog behind – I thought some of you might wonder where I’d gone.

So how did it happen? I was rehearsing all day yesterday, and when I got home my husband suggested we had a drink together, an alcoholic drink. It’s not his fault; I gave him the impression that I wanted to do that, and he went along with it. For a week or so, I’d been talking to him about what I wanted to do, and he knew that I was doubtful about my sobriety. So please don’t blame him! It’s my fault.

I just had one, then we had AF drinks after that, and so I didn’t really feel any different. But part of me felt sad, and as though I had broken something. I didn’t sleep well as I was lying awake thinking about it.

I hope I am not discouraging anyone – I really think about that, and want to send lots of love and positive thoughts to you all, wherever you are. I am ok, and I will keep writing as much as I can. But I don’t want to bring anyone down with me.

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22 thoughts on “A change of heart”

  1. Hey I wanted to say whatever you decide to do for you is right for you. And, keep writing I’m enjoying your blog. Its good to keep a diary of life and you might reflect and say, the odd drink is where I’m comfy. Or you might say, ‘what’s all the fuss about’ and not drink for a while. Or a hundred other things. I think that you should keep writing just for you. Whichever path is right for you 🙂

  2. hi there, Annie. thanks for posting. writing this stuff down is so valuable because it crystallizes what we are thinking and we can go back and refer back to it later, look at our motives, and our patterns of behaviour.

    and I am not presuming to pigeonhole you, or ascribe any behaviour patterns to you based on what you write here. because a blog can only ever be an imperfect keyhole glimpse into someone else’s highly complex thought processes, seen through their own eyes.

    it troubles me sometimes that I have lost perspective on the early days of not-drinking, as they get further away. and it may be that I have. but in return I hope I have gained a truer understanding of what it means to be in recovery.

    because alcohol is not like, say baked beans on toast (guess what I’m eating for lunch?!) because alcohol is an ADDICTIVE DRUG. and as such it alters our perceptions of alcohol itself and its importance in our lives in a way that BBOT cannot.

    the further you get away from that, the more you can see it. that’s my perspective from where I am now.

    looking back at your day 1 on this blog you’ve had some good chunks of sober time. and you chose to do that for a reason. whatever those reasons were, you keep coming back to them, keep trying to achieve sobriety because something about the non-sober life was making you unhappy.

    booze is just a fucker. really. no way round that. it fucks with our minds which are THE BITS OF US WE USE TO MAKE DECISIONS.

    will stop ranting now and say again how much I appreciated you posting! look forward to hearing more from you soon. lots of love and hugs. xxx

  3. I did the same thing last Sunday. Except I WANTED to get a good buzz and didn’t stop at one. So bravo to you for showing restraint. Nothing untoward happened except I felt like dog shit mentally and physically the next day. I promptly got my ass to an AA meeting at 1130 the next morning for a good mental and spiritual reinforcement. It’s a slip. We are human. Just go forward. Just being honest about it is sooooo cleansing for the spirit. Keep blogging. I need to know that someone gets my journey.
    BTW. A great blog to read is Mr Sponsorpants!!! He cuts through our addictive mind screwing BS and calls us out!

  4. Annie, you have your own path to find and follow, as we all do. What happens next is the most important thing. Follow your heart but listen to your head as well. Easy to say, hard to do. Keep writing! Hugs from Bea x

  5. Keep writing, keep living, keep loving, keep at it. We all have our journeys, as mentioned. Seeing that we also struggle is important, however way that manifests.

    Glad you’re back 🙂

    Paul

  6. Please don’t stop writing. As others have said we all are on our own journey. I feel sad that we get into this blogging to help ourselves and then sometimes feel we have to be perfect at being sober or stop blogging. You are not responsible for any ones else’s decision so get that out of your mind. And please stay here in the blog world. It can be a very lonely world for us strugglers if the only people blogging are the ones that are “perfect”. Not to take anything away from them either as they are inspirational too.

  7. Ok so now what? Was one drink an excuse to drink again (broken streak syndrome) or is your intent to resume abstinence? It’s your choice, truly it is. Some suggestions as you decide: last night we did a Bubble Hour episode on relapse. There are 11 stages before you pick up a drink. Check it out and see if it resonates. Also, smart recovery just released a podcast on relapse that’s excellent – highly recommended listening. This is serious stuff, and you don’t have to do it alone. Big hug.

  8. Primrose and unpickled said it all.

    It’s your life and your journey. From a bit further down the road we just send back a caution that booze is cunning and baffling.

    I only have good wishes and support for you. Sober seemed to be a good choice for you. It doesn’t all just end with one drink, as unpickled said.

    If you stumble claiming a mountain it doesn’t mean you need to jump off. You just get back up and continue. Whenever you are ready.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Anne

  9. Feeling the guilt at having a drink can be so debilitating. You did great! I cannot believe you stopped at one. Feel proud of yourself. I mean you made it for over 40 days..Truly amazing. Hop right back on the wagon and continue on.
    You have great words of wisdom to share. Keep up your blog.

  10. One drink, no failure or slip up there! Wish I could try just one, but what’s the sense in that my brain says, it wouldn’t get me to the state I would want to be in if I was still drinking. Therefore I can’t even let myself go there. (Day 38)
    You were the guinea pig for all of us, please keep writing. I for one need you and think that, in a small way, you need all of us out here. Count last night as a victory!!! 💗

  11. Hi Annie

    I can only echo what the others have said, it’s your journey, your dappled path and your life. I haven’t any words of wisdom, except to say how much I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. In fact it and you inspired me to have an AF weekend. I can’t imagine not drinking, I enjoy it, the social aspect, the relaxing aspect, sharing a drink with my OH, and I don’t want not to have that.

    Anyway, I’m rambling and it’s not about me. Thinking of you, please, please keep posting.

  12. I’ve always figured that, if I’m going to count days, then it’s days not having gotten drunk (because that is my problem – using alcohol to get drunk). So, if I had one drink, I wouldn’t count that as having lost any days. Because I hadn’t gotten drunk. However, I also know that if I have one drink, I will most likely end up getting drunk…. so that would be a dangerous thing for me. But if you could do it, then that’s different. I don’t see it as being disappointing or anything. If it turned into a relapse and you went back to getting drunk, being out of control, etc. I think it would be different, and yes, kinda disappointing. Anyway, sorry if this is a weird comment. I just wouldn’t to say something about what I thought.

  13. Hey you gorgeous HUMAN being you! well done for stopping at one. get back on that horse and ride it hard baby!! but in any case – keep Posting please as its all part of our journey TOGETHER, the good, the bad, the ugly, the fantastic……………….
    xx

  14. Annie, even before reading this post, I was thinking that you should be giving yourself more credit for all that you accomplished in the Spring, and all the days in 2014 you decided not to drink! You had one drink, feel conflicted, and you have always been so honest which we all appreciate. But this one drink does not have to mean failure by any means if you change your thinking about the number of days you have actually gone alcohol free in 2014. I know you had 60 days in Spring, several alcohol free days in the summer, and then 40-plus days this fall. So you are well over 100 days – probably close to 115 days(?) I bet – already this calendar year and that is huge! Maybe they were not consecutive, but you have reached over 100 Days in 2014, and there are still 2 1/2 months to go. I juts did the math, and If you get to 121 days (easy!), that is 1/3 of 2014 alcohol free. Better yet, if you get to 183 days, that is more than 1/2 of 2014 alcohol free! There are still 79 days left this year! So maybe you could adjust your goal to try to reach 1/2 of 2014! Either way, 1/3 or 1/2 would be a huge accomplishment which you can and should feel good about in the next few months of 2014. I just wanted to remind you of all that you have accomplished, and if you keep trying and keep going forward with us, you can say you were alcohol free for a huge chunk of 2014. Then you can hit the ground running in 2015 shooting for 365 Days that year if that is what you decide to do 🙂

      1. Like many others here have said, it is your life and we feel blessed you are sharing your story with us. But please don’t feel like you are letting any of us down. If you can find happiness in whatever personal decision you reach on moderating your drinking or abstaining again, we will be happy for you! Again, you have come a long way this year in self-reflecting. Please do not be too hard on yourself. And remember you are stronger than you know!

  15. I really enjoy your blog, and look forward to reading your posts.

    Drink, drink moderately, drink on high days and holidays, drink as a treat, stay off the drink …. You know what the choices are. If you keep blogging, whatever you choose, I’ll still find your posts interesting.

    Personally, I’m glad I’ve decided to stay off it, but that’s because I was completely ready to do so. I’m not convinced anyone telling me what I should do ever helped me to stop smoking or stop the boozing, but it’s clear from reading all the comments that you have that there are a lot of people who care about you. And that’s really great.

    Thank you for sharing your journey so far, and I hope you continue to do so.

  16. We all have our own paths to walk, and if yours is one in which you drink, then that’s yours. No judgment at all. I fight myself almost daily with the ‘do I really, really want to be sober? thoughts, mixed with ‘good grief, did I drink that much again?’…it’s a never-ending cycle. And I think your decision is exactly that: YOUR decision. None of us are perfect, and while we may not want to see someone ‘fall off the wagon’ (primarily, I firmly believe, because then we see that we can, too), it’s not up to us to decide your life for you. You have people rooting for you and who obviously care about you, but ultimately it’s your decision. And you know, sometimes it’s even more helpful to read about the on-again-off-again stories because it can not only help the writer work through the struggle, but those who read it, too. Best of luck to you, and please, more than anything, do NOT feel guilty or ashamed!!! 🙂

  17. Late (again) to reading your post but never too late to send you love Annie! I’m so glad you posted, my thanks are added to everyone else’s above and I wish you well on whatever path you choose.

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