A kind of longing

Sorry for the radio silence. I’ve been away – and I’ve been drinking – and I felt that my writing would be chaotic and incoherent. But I am sorry if you were worried about me, and thank you for checking in here and looking for me. I could see people’s comments, and I wanted to write, but I needed to find the right time; I hope you understand.

So, after my one drink error, I then began to have many drinks. And then too many drinks. Away on holiday, not drinking seemed an impossibility, so I joined in and drank drank drank. Part of me enjoyed it: the cocktails, the grown-up feeling, the choice, the intimacy. But part of me felt wasted in so many ways, and by the end of the holiday I was drinking almost for the sake of it, just drinking far too much because I could drink far too much, and it began to lose its appeal. At one point , I noticed another couple at dinner drinking just water. Look! Just water! I craned my neck to observe them better and asked my husband what he thought about their not drinking. The next night, I looked for them again, this magical couple, but I couldn’t quite see their glasses. But I was clearly interested in what they were doing, and I began to feel a kind of longing for that quiet life.

Now I’m home, and I would like to try again. Try to be sober. I have emailed patient Belle to ask if I can have another stab at the 100 day challenge, I’ve looked ahead in my diary and can see parties and Christmas looming, but there is never a good time to try this. I’m in a muddle, I don’t really know what I want, but unless I try again, I’ll never know.

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7 thoughts on “A kind of longing”

  1. Lovely to hear from you. I am SO with you looking with longing for that quiet life! The fact that a not drinking quiet life is attractive seems like progress in itself. You are not alone on this journey. xx

  2. So happy your back and putting it all out there. I think that’s a huge victory for you! 100 day challenge sounds good, day 51 on it for my. As you know getting the almost daily thoughts from Belle is so motivating. She has an apprentice now named Rebecca who is awesome. You know all of us out here are sending thought and prayers your way, the journey begins. 💗💗

  3. Your wistful longing for quiet is pretty significant and quite a huge find for you. More than you had before? So, nothing’s been wasted. On you go, stronger. With you. Bea xxx

  4. So lovely to hear from you. I am on a similar path as you, it’s so hard most days. I find your posts heart felt, honest and inspiring xxx

  5. Hang in there, you will get there. Wishing you the best of luck on your efforts to cut back/eliminate alcohol from your life. Lot’s of people have done it, so can you.

  6. Stop looking ahead. There will always be something. You can deal with it as it comes.

    So moderation didn’t work. That’s ok. You know more about yourself now.

    There is nothing magical about Belles challenge. You had been doing well with posting daily. Why not give that a try? Because that quieter, calmer life is there waiting for you. And it’s amazing.

    Hug. Behind you all the way. Whatever you choose.

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