Hard to start

Two posts in one day, but having sounded relatively positive this morning – or if not exactly positive, then like someone with a plan at least – I wanted to tell you that I have already succumbed to the first glass of fizz. What is wrong with me???? I had had a good day, planning my sober 100 days, and how I was going to power through past days 42 and 61 (the days on which I failed the last 2 times), and be fresh-faced and happy with myself. And what happens? First sign of the witching hour, and I’m reaching for the glasses, opening the bottle (already open from last night… probably not a great idea to have that lying around) and persuading my husband that we need prosecco and then wine tonight because Sundays aren’t fun without drinking.

I hadn’t mentioned to him that I wanted to try a sober 100 days again, probably because I didn’t want to bind myself to it, and I feared that he’d support me and pour the prosecco away (or drink it himself) if he knew.

In other words, I scuppered my plans before I even had a chance to embark on them.

Is it just not my time? When will I be ready? Will I ever be ready? Am I not cut out for this? I read all those blogs with amazing, inspiring people managing 100 days, a year, more, and I just don’t know how they do it.

13 thoughts on “Hard to start”

  1. Still in pjs. Why? Because I’m horribly hungover today. I am so angry with myself. Annie, we are very similar. I get it. All we can do is keep trying. Hugs!

  2. I spent a lot of time planning. But things only change if we do.

    No one is ever ready for hard things. We just finally get to the point where not trying is worse than trying. For me, that was just that internal tiredness of continuous failure and retreat and hating myself all the time. It was too much to handle.

    I didn’t even know things could be different. And every days that goes by I am constantly amazed at how beautiful my sober life is. I’m not missing anything.

    Take care Annie. You are worth the effort.

  3. Yes, keep trying! I don’t really know how I’ve got this far to be honest. I was lucky at the start to be able to keep myself to myself which helped me a lot.
    Everyone is different though, so I think we all need a certain combination of things to get us up and running on our road to recovery. As Belle says, it’s our sober supports that enable us to succeed, so maybe it’s just that you haven’t quite found the things that you need to gather the momentum yet.
    Best of luck,
    hugs, W x

  4. Maybe a better plan is to say I’m never drinking again. These challenges are kind of like diets. When I lose 15 lbs etc then what? We gain the weight back. It think people like us just cannot drink. It is so hard I know. Do you feel that your husband is supportive of you not drinking? I am so routing for you! However, just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean you have to have a “quiet” life. I laugh hard, I love to dance and hang with my drinking friends. I just now always feel good in the morning. Try again. Then try again.

  5. It doesn’t sound as though you enjoyed the drinking, which is interesting. If you focus on that, it might help you to decide whether you want to be alcohol free for 100 Days and then make a choice about whether you want to give up booze or drink occasionally or whatever else.

    I’m going to say something that I think a lot of people will argue with, but it works for me. I’m not a big fan of ‘trying.’ When people say they’re going to try to meet you at 3.00pm, don’t waste your time turning up at 3.00 – they’ll be late. When people say they’re going to try to pay off their credit card, expect them to be flexing it in front of you within a couple of days. When people say they’re going to try to stop drinking, they’ll do exactly that – they’ll try.

    What makes the difference is saying, ‘I’m going to : meet you at 3.00pm / pay of my credit card / stop drinking for 31 days and blog about it every day.’ It’s a commitment. It means giving your word to yourself (and others sometimes) but mostly, it’s about making the commitment to yourself.

    Please stop beating yourself up. It takes some of us a few stabs at it to make a real change in our life, and then we have to work at it and that’s not as easy as giving in to temptation.

  6. Annie, you’re working it all through. If and when you commit to this, it won’t matter if you tell your husband or not because YOU will have decided that it’s right for you and that, on balance, it makes you happier when you’re sober. Big hug from Bea x

  7. Dude. You’re not the only one. I quit blogging because i had 2 amazing job transitions and do not have time nor mental capacity. But i read your last couple posts and actually want to keep in touch, with you. In back to drinking. Way less than i was before. Now i only get to 3 glasses of wine before i make myself quit. Fine. Better. But i an turning 35 in February and my eye bags/sags ate getting bad. Plus i just got an amazing jobi want to blow the roof off. I would like to quit drinking to feel better for all of it. Sometimes i think all the negative attention we give it on blogs, Belles site, blah blah gives it more power. Somebody said just go enjoy life more. I’m rambling and preaching to myself.

  8. Quitting alcohol, especially if you have been consistently drinking large amounts of alcohol over many years, is tough, and many people find it difficult to do this alone. You may need more support than blogging alone can provide. It may be time to talk with your doctor about medication that can help you, perhaps some therapy with a psychologist to start the process of understanding why you drink so much, perhaps a local group where you can talk with people face to face will be necessary. I think you need to be very honest with your husband and enlist his support–he will help you stay strong.

    You should not be so hard on yourself, if it were easy to quit, no one would have an issue with alcohol. Trying to do this alone may not be the best approach for you.

  9. Old habits die hard. when I drink, it becomes so automatic and familiar and comforting. Except my relationship with alcohol does seem a little different than it did before I realized I had a problem and started taking breaks. Do you find that? It’s a little easier for me to convince myself ‘not tonight’ although it’s still impossible for me to convince myself ‘not ever again.’ I’m sticking to my short breaks through the holidays. Because as much as there’s never a great time, some times are better than others.

  10. Im quite new at this but all I know if that if you’ve had any days sober and you’ve had over 100! Then, each next day sober is a great day. You’re a star you know you inspired me to keep on being sober here when i’ve hardly started (day 23) so please please be nice to yourself. xx

    PS open wine sings too loudly for me, bin the stuff.

  11. you’re here, you’re still writing about it. You have not sneaked off into the undergrowth of the cyber world. You are telling us all what you are up to. Somehow this has to count for something. And also never forget this is ADDICTIVE stuff, this alcohol. What you are describing of wanting to do something and then failing is what makes giving up an addiction so difficult. Here for you and wishing you lots of strength and support. xx

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