I woke up early today and began to read ‘Extreme Self-Care’, a book recommended on one of the Bubble Hour podcasts. I have so many good intentions, and during those first few hours of the morning I feel as though I could achieve anything. But as the day has gone by, the doubts and questions have started to invade. The voice of rebellion is a loud one, and I struggle with it. Part of me knows, really knows, that not drinking suits me: I get so much more done, I feel better about myself, I am much more patient with the children, I listen to my husband, I feel good physically, my skin improves… You know the score. And yet, there is a rebellious part, a part that doesn’t want to be good and patient, that enjoys the release which alcohol gives me, that wants to be naughty.
Thank you for all your comments; they are so helpful. I looked back at some of my old posts and can see the word ‘try’ springing up all over the place; one blogger suggested that it would be better to ‘do’, rather than ‘try’ and I do recognize that I procrastinate where sobriety is concerned, and that I keep waiting for the right time, the right feeling; this may never come. That’s why I like the day counting, because I always like a plan, and I like following a routine. The trouble with this method is that when it goes wrong, it sets me right back, and I don’t seem able to leave the error behind and move on. Or perhaps I use the error as an excuse, that I want to drink and therefore I will drink.
I fear I am rambling. I think what I’m trying to say is that I want to do this, and I also don’t want to do this. Do I need to build up more strength so that I forge ahead? Or should I creep forward uncertainly?