I woke up early today and began to read ‘Extreme Self-Care’, a book recommended on one of the Bubble Hour podcasts. I have so many good intentions, and during those first few hours of the morning I feel as though I could achieve anything. But as the day has gone by, the doubts and questions have started to invade. The voice of rebellion is a loud one, and I struggle with it. Part of me knows, really knows, that not drinking suits me: I get so much more done, I feel better about myself, I am much more patient with the children, I listen to my husband, I feel good physically, my skin improves… You know the score. And yet, there is a rebellious part, a part that doesn’t want to be good and patient, that enjoys the release which alcohol gives me, that wants to be naughty.
Thank you for all your comments; they are so helpful. I looked back at some of my old posts and can see the word ‘try’ springing up all over the place; one blogger suggested that it would be better to ‘do’, rather than ‘try’ and I do recognize that I procrastinate where sobriety is concerned, and that I keep waiting for the right time, the right feeling; this may never come. That’s why I like the day counting, because I always like a plan, and I like following a routine. The trouble with this method is that when it goes wrong, it sets me right back, and I don’t seem able to leave the error behind and move on. Or perhaps I use the error as an excuse, that I want to drink and therefore I will drink.
I fear I am rambling. I think what I’m trying to say is that I want to do this, and I also don’t want to do this. Do I need to build up more strength so that I forge ahead? Or should I creep forward uncertainly?
A Dappled Path 
Or option 3: Sit with it and see what happens. Feel your way through. 😉
Your addiction keeps presenting you with it’s truth and the reality of it won’t change except to progress. So while you decide if you want to change or not, it will eventually force your hand. Your choice, given the reality that you are really having a hell of a time quitting, is how long you want to let this progress, how low you want to ride the elevator. You can get off anytime. I’m sorry to sound blunt or fatalistic, but it appears you’re crying asking “am I or am I not an alcoholic?” – that’s become quite clear really. The only question now is what you will choose to do about it, and that is up to you. I say this with love, kindness, and cookies. So in case it sounded harsh, please reread it through a filter of kindness.
Ack – edit! Should read “it appears you’re past asking “am I or am I not”. (Autocorrected past to crying, which isn’t what I meant!)
Creep forward I would say. How does one “build up strength to forge ahead” if one continues drinking? Where will the strength come from?. Creep on uncertainly. I was reading Mrs D and Belle and all the other wonderful bloggers in their early days and it was never a given from the start that they would be successful. They just starting creeping! Of course this is what I am trying to do too. xx
I agree with unpickled.
No addict wants to give up their drug. That’s part of the compulsion. It convinces us that we need it, that it’s does something good for us, that life would be terrible without it.
I know. I felt exactly like you for a long time. And the anxious fear of change kept me lulled into a bleak existence of drinking or regretting drinking. I don’t recall any mornings when I woke up thinking ” wow. I’m glad I drank last night”. I may have occasionally patted myself on the back for moderating for once, but those were always short loved.
I wish I could show you how to get past this. But I can only encourage you.
Anne
I agree with what Unpickled has said too Annie 🙂
Agree with above, agree with Unpickled. Sorry to be blunt, but to read your posts, your drinking is very extreme, you are in dangerous territory with regard to your health, blood pressure, liver, stroke risk, all of it. You only have one body, treat it kindly. Get whatever help you need to quit. This is beyond a life style choice, alcohol must be taking a toll on your body. Good luck.
Hang on in there. Although I know that the previous comments were written in good faith, some come across a little harsh. You are working through this. It takes time. Take it one step at a time. I would recommend that you meet other people (in person) who have a similar problem.
The feeling of wanting to be naughty is really familiar to me. Only for me I think it was some kind of protection mechanism. Evidence that I wasn’t perfect, a release from feeling like I had to be. I’m so diligent and perfectionist in a lot of my life. I’m sure a lot of addicts are, it’s part of the OCD for some of us. And having this one flaw, a major one even, was like a ‘so there world, stop expecting so much of me, i’m just normal, flawed like everyone else.’ My drinking made me feel normal. Except of course I took to to an abnormal degree, ’cause that’s how I roll. In fact, that’s the reason i wonder if moderation won’t work. If I agree that something is important and worth my time, like a particular project at work, I tend to want to do it 110%. If I convince myself that not drinking is something I need to do and I “moderate” – “moderation” becomes failure, which becomes “what’s the point” which becomes, drinking too much, failing at moderation even.
I know how you feel. You want to be sober but don’t want to put the “hard work” in that it takes. Me too. I want to just declare myself sober and “the rest will take care of itself”. The awareness of a problem and attempts to remedy it are, I feel, ways of getting closer to the ultimate goal of sobriety. Keep at it. We have to chip away day by day to get where we want to be
Lots of ideas to think through today for you. I agree with yellow glee. some of these comments are to harsh. I don’t read that your drinking is “extreme” . My goodness you quit for 61 days!! That is so awesome. I also understand that feeling of waking up and feeling ready to conquer the day sober, but then that feeing of desiring the wine creeps in and you need to decide, yes or no. That urge will go away if you wait a little longer. Promise your self to stay sober a few days a week, then at least you have something to look forward to if you do decide to drink. I
t really is one day at a time.
Hi Annie. you say you want to do this and you don’t want to do this. until you decide that you DONT I don’t think anything much is going to change. you can read all the comments for China, but only you can do this. it is up to you. if you decide you do want to do this, have you considered some help externally? Lastly, I have Blogged about this before, we need to understand WHY we have an addiction, an addiction is a cover for something else. Have you considered a therapist also??? Sorry Babe, but it is up to you and you alone. it is tough, I know!!!!
big hugs
Hi Annie I have tried to moderate so many times. Over the last few years I have had spells of several months of not drinking. Each time I have thought, this time it will be different, this time , when I start drinking again, I will be able to moderate. Sadly I just dive in head first again like you did last week. I am now so sick of this never changing cycle that I have given up for good and am currently at day 87. I just got so sick and tired of the same old same old boring boring routine of stop start stop start drinking. The predictability of my inability to moderate just drove me so mad that I thought ‘fuck it, it’s just easier to stop altogether’. It takes a massive leap of faith but maybe you just need a few more false starts before you can make the final decision. Mrs D had LOTS of attempts at giving up the booze before she finally did it in 2011. I find that each attempt has helped me get to the strong-feeling point I am at today. Take care. Xxx
Please do not get down about your relapse. Bubble Hour has some great podcasts on relapse. I’ve had several day ones myself. I am seeing a counselor this week because I have underlying issues such as depression, anxiety, and moodiness (to name a few 🙂 that need to be adddressed in order to find the culprit for my addiction. Consider seeing a therapist or counselor. There are so many of us cheering you on to making the right decision for you!
It is really helpful to address those co existing issues. Depression and anxiety were both huge things I continue to work through. It’s much easier to do that sober!
Hey Annie – I’m usually lurking here, but I just wanted to say that I think you’re doing great. I think stopping/starting/and stopping again are often part of the path to sobriety – I know that I took several “breaks” before I finally stopped for good last year.
I really liked Belle’s post about “epiphanies” – if we keep on waiting for that “ah hah” moment to quit drinking, that will make quitting magically easier, then no one would ever quit. No epiphany is going to make it easier – no matter how many realizations we have, quitting drinking is going to be hard. I’m a fan of creeping forward – the more sober days you have under your belt, the more clearly you can see your situation. You can figure out why you drank, and how it affected your life. You really can’t do that when you’re drinking. It seems like, deep down, you know that you don’t want to drink anymore – and that is really the most important thing. Let that voice guide you – and be kind to yourself.
Today I turned 58, and have been sober since Jan 6, 2014. I was the hardest core alcoholic you can imagine, blackouts EVERY day, kids hating me, fired from one job after the other, no one wanted to be around me anymore. I just got sick and tired of hating myself. Believe me when I say you can do this. All my sober birthday karma I pass on to you.
Annie, I’d love to wave a magic wand and put you somewhere you can have what you want without having to stop drinking completely. We both know that isn’t going to happen – the wand thing, that is. The other, the being able to keep drinking – that’s up to you.
A couple of things have helped me make the decision to do so, and I’ve very nearly slipped up a couple of times even so, well, maybe more than a couple, but I’ve stuck at it so far.
The first is this:
If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.
The second is more practical. If anyone has a problem with alcohol, and they keep drinking – the problem will get worse. This never, ever gets ‘better’ of its own accord.
No one wants to say they’re an alcoholic – there are now books on the ‘almost an alcoholic’ subject. Who cares if you are or you aren’t? What matters is where you go from here, today.
Not doing something because you’re frightened of failing isn’t the best reason for not doing it!
I’m very aware that there are bloggers that are very clear that they don’t want a dialogue with their readers. You seem to welcome comments and find them helpful, but I don’t want to overstep the mark. I don’t mean to and I don’t mean to sound harsh. I’m in a very similar position to you, wanting to be able to drink and knowing it’s not that simple.
Sara
I just want to give you a huge virtual hug. An enormous one. Everything you’ve written is like me every morning I was drinking. I want to drink, but I know I can’t. Not normally. Is that rebellious part how you ‘switch off’ from everything, it was/is for me. Whilst I want to switch off, I’m scared I’ll also lose everything. So for today i’m trying to be sober and find other ways. Agree with lots that’s been said above.
Hugs and more hugs, and an extra one.
blooming WP unfollowed you – have only just read your last few posts, rats! I would also send you an enormous hug.
and one thing that really helped me is some version of ‘stay here’ or ‘one day at a time’. giving up alcohol seems so enormous to contemplate because we feel we have to deal with all the issues it raises TODAY. but we don’t. we just have to deal with today. you don’t have to shop and prepare food for every meal you will eat for the rest of your life TODAY, do you? just today’s. you have the energy to deal what is on your plate today. tomorrow you will have the energy to deal with tomorrow’s challenges.
and that ‘wanting to be naughty’ thing – for me, at least, it was rather poorly disguised self-harm. not a treat. not a delicious naughty but nice morsel. it was a rod for my own back, because that was what I thought I deserved. but I didn’t. and neither do you. xx
I relate sooooooo much to your blog! I’ve read it from the beginning. plllllease keep writing no matter what. And add meeeee 🙂