I am spiralling into a meltdown. Why, oh why is this so hard? I’ve had plenty of Day 2s, so I know the drill. But this time round, I felt that it was going to be different: I was more determined, more steely somehow. Well, that was yesterday, and that was this morning. And that was even about 2 hours ago. Now it’s going wrong.
I took the dog for a walk and went along the dappled path, a real place that inspired the title of this blog. It often calms me down, and it is a peaceful route. But my mind was going bonkers, round and round, in and out, debating with myself. I asked myself: why have I started this sober journey yet again, when I’m bound to fail? And why do I keep putting myself through this, with the fear of failure hanging over me? I set myself so many targets, write lists, make plans, and end up all knotted inside.
The dog trotted along (do dogs trot??), sniffing the bracken, unaware of my mental gymnastics. Now I’m at home. My daughter is carving a pumpkin, my son is playing football, my other daughter is reading: they too are unaware of my internal debates.
I tell you what I’m going to do now: I’m going to go and play the piano, sort out an errant pile of bills, make a pie for supper, concoct a mocktail (I enjoyed that yesterday). More plans, more lists, but crucial distractions.
A Dappled Path 
You can do it. If in doubt, get in the tub. Hide. I did it lots. I curled up in a ball and cried on the floor. Whatever. This is all scary and hard. But it’s better than the alternative.
Hugs. I’m cheering you on.
Anne
I had a rule when when I was drinking–no drinking ever in pajamas. For whatever reason, I felt it was “pathetic”. So I’ve been putting the pjs on early!
Just keep sharing. You know the first days are the hardest. It’s just so hard when the cravings come…..sometimes you just have to white knuckle through them. Even with a ton of support, ultimate is up to YOU. Right there with you on day 6 (again!).
the constant debate is exhausting, isn’t it. if you can tell yourself with any degree of firmness ‘not right now’ and then distract yourself like one would a toddler, that can be really helpful. like one of the dogs in Up! – “Squirrel!”
Hugs and lots
Of them.
Hang on in there. Ps one of my dogs
Trots, the other has no manners.
You can do it. Don’t give yourself permission to drink. Say not right now, maybe in an hour, or two hours, or after I watch a television show, or get in bed and read sober blogs, or sober books. Or say No not today, maybe tomorrow, but not today.
It is hard, but so worth it. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time waiting for the right time to get sober.
i remember day 3 / 4 being the hardest! the booze is still coming out of your system. Annie, practice turning the inner critic off . hear it, but then tell it to go away. you have to. don’t let it rule you or it has won. be strong. you CAN do this!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yep – you don’t have to respond to the wolf. ‘La la la I can’t hear you!’ Just do that! I hope you enjoyed the mocktail and had a nice pie for tea 🙂
Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I’m struggling greatly these days. Let this be a reminder to us of why it’s so important not to drink after accumulating any sober days. It’s so hard to get back on track. Let’s hold each other up and do the very best we can- that’s all we ever can do. Xoxo
Primrose’s technique does work, Annie. Tell yourself you can have a drink, but in an hour’s time. Often, after an hour, the pang has gone and the crisis is diverted but it stops that internal debate. It’s the equivalent of saying “we’ll see” to your kids when really you mean ‘no.’ 😦 Keeping busy, changing routines all helps a great deal. You can do this. Huge hug xxx
I was just at day two a couple of days ago. I agree it sucks but you got this!! Sending positive thoughts your way.
I like the idea of Primroses technique. I relate to the rebellious streak you talked about a couple of posts ago Annie. The minute I tell myself I can’t, I WANT. It can be chocolate, sweets and alcohol. That little voice saying, why can’t you, go on. And I do.
Also sending you big hugs and lots of love and support x x
Re read your post tonight when I was on shaky ground. Thank you for pulling me through the witching hour. In bed, sober. What a great feeling that will be in the morning!
The only thing that works for me is to repeat, ‘I don’t drink.’ Sometimes I need to say it out loud, mostly it’s a thing in the evening when I go downstairs at the end of the working day and know that there’s something soothing with my name on it. And then I remember, ‘I don’t drink.’ There’s a moment there, and at Day 96 it’s still there, when there’s a pang, but I don’t want to go back to what it used to be like, so I say, ‘I don’t drink.’ It’s a mantra and it gets me through because it was that first drink that caused all the problems and it was always at that moment of the day. That’s the only one I don’t allow myself to have.
Whatever gets you through is what you have to do, and anyone who has stopped smoking, lost a pile of weight or knocked boozing on the head has learned the art of self-discipline. It’s a tough one to crack but it’s always worthwhile.
No one said it would be easy!!!!! Thing is you know you have a problem thats why you want to stop. My Doctor gave me some good advice – Count the Units of alcohol you usually drink – add them up over a week. Thats when it becomes scary. Try looking at the problem in black and white – Moderation is Hell on Earth for alchoholics I think. Sobriety is so much better once you get a handle on it – Think what you are gaining – not what you think you are missing
I cannot add to anything the other comments have made. But just here and wishing you all the strength and peace you need. xx
Don’t forget sleep! Sleeping the hours away always helps. Go to bed as early as possible. Stay in the bed, in your pajamas (love that idea), sleep. It really does help and reminds us that one of the great things about being sober is sober sleep!
You can do this. I know so well that debate. The thing is – that dialog will NEVER stop if you keep drinking. If you stop, sooner or later it shuts the f up and you won’t have to hear it EVER again.
Love and endless belief in YOU,
Sherry