Friday. Fridays are hard when you’re trying to stay sober. I’ve just been to the supermarket and I bought a bottle of white wine. I was going to buy a bottle of red as well, but I didn’t. I also bought several AF alternatives. As I walked round the shop, I wanted to abandon my sober plan, shut down the blog, email all my sober friends to tell them what I was doing; and then when my husband got home tonight, I wanted to sit and have a drink with him, and I don’t mean an elderflower cordial.
This is where I am at the moment, on the cusp. This is why it was such a bad idea to give up after 42 days when I’d relaxed into my sober momentum, and now these first few days are TERRIBLE.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I think the reason this post (indeed, this blog) is so repetitive, is because I go round and round in circles, one minute super-positive and making myself fresh lemon juice sparkly thing, the next wanting to spin the top off the gin bottle. It is TERRIBLE (again).
I read sober blogs for much of the morning, and am so impressed and inspired by those bloggers who sound calm and centred, and as though they are much further along the path than me. I can’t get there; I simply can’t get there.
A Dappled Path 
Give that bottle of wine away!!!!
I know that feeling very well as I am already having inner turmoil here and it’s only 11 am!!! What better reason to drink than a Friday! It would be almost blasphemous not too! As many have said, play the tape through. 2 am anxiety. Questionable memory or any memory at all. Feeling physically horrible with the mental desperation/remorse. That’s what I am trying to do. One hour at a time. Keep us posted no matter which side of the bottle you wind up on (or in). 😘
Irene
I so feel for you. Try to knuckle through this. This is addiction. Take a walk a bath whatever and try try try to think about tomorrow and how you will feel depending on what choices you make today. But don’t close the blog! Stay with us. We need you too!
Believe me I hear you I’ve got the BIL and the SIL and the tiddler coming its all arranged and NOW I have the MIL all weekend too. Arghghghghghghghgghgh
Often I think I drink so I don’t tell other people exactly what I think about them
Bah. I’m already stressed and panicking and thinking I can’t do this without wine.
Hi Path!!! 🙂
You make nice disclaimers ‘so impressed and inspired by THOSE BLOGGERS WHO sound calm and centred’. I’m hurt now, don’t you think my ranting and yelling in caps lock is inspiring? ;-).
Which of course is a joke. What I do want to say is that blogs are always edited. They are edited big time or a little, but they ARE edited. Not saying people tart their shit up (?), but just because blogs are not real time real life experiences. So don’t be fooled by that. Insight and learning experiences mostly don’t come along calm and centered, there is hurt and pain or joy and loads of letting go involved. Well, you know. And then afterwards, when the dust has settled, or in order to settle the dust, it is written down.That’s when people are happily calm and centered. And that is good. 🙂
Hey, if somebody writes and has the insights at the same time you get the rollercoaster posts as I write them. 😀 Nothing calm nor attractive there. I choose to do that because I need to un-hide and editing makes me hide.
So, I’d say; take inspiration from all the blogs, but it does not mean that you can only quit ‘correctly’ -if there even is such a thing- if you are calm and centered.
Further aiming for ‘calm and centered’ is a good thing, but I am guessing that is only a few moments of the day. Some days more, some days less The real learning is in noticing when you (I!) get off track. No rosegarden there either. 😦
And last but not least, you say “I read sober blogs for much of the morning, and am so impressed and inspired by those bloggers who sound calm and centred, and as though they are much further along the path than me. I can’t get there; I simply can’t get THERE.”
But you don’t have to get THERE. You can only travel if you leave from the place that you are in. You are where you are now and that is the place and time where you have to take care of yourself. No need to look ahead. No need to compare. Everybody out here has, at some point, been where you are now, is there or will go there again. Alcohol is very strong. It is so strong that it fucks you over, stresses you out and then makes you think that 10.001 things why you are un-able to stop. Like that you should be calm and centered to reach your goal. Guess what: NO NEED.
Just, no need. I am guessing that it makes it a whole lot easier, but I think that the thing to being calm is to stop the booze and be HAPPY about it. I have experienced that calm and happy did not happen often when I drank.
And that is in short how alcohol rolls. It makes people want to go numb because it has ruined the happy feelings. And how to go numb? Oooh, of course…. with alcohol… 😦
Dear Path, hope this helps a little. Hugs from Holland. ❤ ❤ ❤
I was in the same place as you are describing for a long time, and could be back there again in a few days if I were to drink again, so I understand how you feel! The only way out is through… and I second getting rid of the wine. I never would have been able to say no if I had had wine in the house in the beginning. One thing that helps me during tough times is to read about inspirational sober people. We are here for you no matter what….no need to get rid of your blog if you end up drinking. You are here for a reason!
Annie. It is hard. Like an emotional tornado inside, spin in pig tighter and faster.
Think it through. Will it be one glass of wine with husband? Or will one lead to more, finishing the bottle, more alcohol, falling asleep on the couch, missing out on the evening, a hard, anxious regret filled morning? Drinking tomorrow to quell the internal critic..
That’s where it would end up for me.
To get to the peace you need to go through the chaos. There’s not easy answer here.
I know you can do it. Primroses miracle is there for all of us.
Anne
Annie, day 3-4 as I said I found to be a huge hump! Recovery is not just about drinking but finding out WHY you are drinking. sent with love, do you think it might be time to get some external help….AA, and /or a Therapist?…I feel for you
biggest hugs
xx
YES YOU CAN GET THERE!! You can, you can, you can!! Blog every hour if you have to. We’re all here ready to help! This is the time, you can do it!
My arms are around you tight!
Mary 💗💗
Annie, don’t give in! I agree with Anne, I don’t think there is a shortcut at this point. It is the hardest part- getting the whole thing rolling.
If reading the sober blogs inspires you, do this right the way through the witching hour- as I said before, you shouldn’t feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to set yourself up for the best chance of success.
Hope you’re doing OK – hang in there! Xx
Sometimes, the act of blogging itself is what creates that “calm and centered” feeling. I’m usually a raw bundle of nerves until I can put “pen to paper” and get the whirling thoughts out of my head. Write something every day if you have the time. It may seem like you don’t have anything to say, but we’re all here ready to listen!
Annie, gosh I know where you are…I’m wishing you light and love. This is the hardest shit ever. Let’s do it:) xo
I read the blogs in the morning when I can, and during the day if I’m off work. What I really need is to read them in the evening when the normal drinking time is on; *that’s* when I need the calm and centered!
This crap ain’t easy, not by a long shot. Hang in there!
Annie, I have been following your blog. Hang in there, but also make a change in your routine if possible. I remember my first week or so my work schedule changed. I was working evenings for 4 nights and it made all the difference. Also I went on a yoga weekend where there was no alcohol on my second weekend so it took alcohol out of the picture. I feel your angst and I hope you can get through the weekend. You have done it before, so it is possible.
I just passed one year yesterday, I never thought I would make it this far and I feel so great. It’s not that I don’t feel like having a drink once in awhile, but it is getting less and less frequent. Now on a Friday I look forward to just being home. Or being the driver if my husband and I decide to go out. My life is calmer and easier without alcohol.
Annie, I feel your pain and remorse. I am seeking counseling because I’ve had several day ones and Belle asked me if I thought I should seek counseling and yes that is for me. I start tomorrow. A new day and a new day of sobriety! I seek freedom and yes freedom from alcohol and freedom to be me just as I am without alcohol and yes, Annie, you can too! Join me in a day of sobriety! One day at a time!