Saturday morning. I need a plan of action. My series of recent Day Ones tells me that I want to keep trying, but that my current plans aren’t working. I fall at the very first hurdle, and because I don’t have many days under my belt, I give up too easily. So, I need to get more sober days built up, that’s the first thing. I know there is deeper work to do, but before I get to that, before I even really think about that, I need to devise more practical ways to get through even a few days of sobriety.
The mind games are maddening. I can set myself up to succeed, have the best plans all prepared (alcohol-free alternatives, for example) but the voice that turns those plans into booze is currently stronger than the other voice. I need strategies to reverse those voices. I can’t even remember how I managed in the first few days of my other sober attempts, but each time it has felt different anyway.
That Bubble Hour episode I listened to yesterday really struck a chord. The contributor was describing walking past people drinking wine in restaurants and wishing that she were one of them. Only when she realised that she couldn’t drink like them, that she’d never be able to drink like them, did she surrender. I think part of my problem is that I still can’t accept that I won’t be able to drink normally, and that is what is holding me back.
I’m digging too deep for Day One. It’s Saturday, so another Saturday night looms. I need practical ways of getting through it.
My friends, your help and advice means so much to me. Although I am struggling, your strength really does help me, and I love you.