I wasn’t going to write today. Then I thought, this is silly: I need to write about the fact that I don’t want to write. I’m feeling useless. All afternoon, I have been thinking about stopping the blog and stepping out of the sober blog world. I am feeling completely overwhelmed. Other bloggers are so far ahead of me and I don’t think I’m ever going to get there. I know it’s not a competition, but sometimes I feel as though I’m the only one out here moaning on about how hard it is, and I do wonder if people are getting fed up with my stopping and starting.
So I had those thoughts. And then, I had more bad thoughts. I thought that I want to start drinking again. Not today, because today is Tuesday and I’ve got this deal with my husband that we don’t drink on Tuesdays. But I want to drink on Friday. And I started making a shopping list of things I was going to buy on Friday morning and the list included a bottle of champagne because I wanted to celebrate drinking again. I told you I’d had bad thoughts.
So that’s where I am at the moment. That’s where I am.
A Dappled Path 
Only you know, day by day, what is right for you….nobody wishes you away- we are all on this path WITH you. I’m struggling just as much, I’m not further ahead than you and appreciate your honesty and authenticity. I woke up crying the last couple days, the last few days have sucked and felt BAD. But, I’m here and I’m still trying. And so are you. And you are talking about it and willing to show your vulnerability. That takes courage and that is YOU. I’m here to talk anytime, xo
It is so so so hard! I’m with you.
I know personally for me I feel like every post I write is ‘yay, I’m sober!’ Immediately followed the next day with ‘Help! I want a drink!’ 😄
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Dear Annie,
Feeling your struggle. Please know we’ll be here, sober, very sober, just sober, day 200 or day 1.
xx Feeling
Your honesty with your struggles is helpful beyond words.
I often go back and read my journal from my first couple months of sobriety. I am so desperately unhappy and alone and angry and scared.
It is important for me to remember that the go hard part is at the beginning. I’m still not sure how I got to today. But I treat it as a delicate and vital thing for me to stay sober. Getting back to where I am today might be impossible.
Please don’t stop posting .. I’m where you are and think about starting back drinking all the time! Let’s just try worry about today!
Sent from my iPhone
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I’m so glad you decided to write even if you don’t want to – it really does help people.
Why? Because what you are feeling right now is normal. It’s pretty much what we all feel. That’s why they call it a STRUGGLE. Getting and staying sober is HARD. It is the single hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I’ve birthed twins…vaginally.
I think it’s important that people know it’s not all sunshine and unicorns. The pink cloud exists but so do the dark, rainy ugly ones that zap all the joy out of our lives. Motherfucking yin and yang of sobriety.
I, for one, love reading your posts no matter where you are in this process. I’m glad it’s Tuesday and you can’t drink. Put that in your pocket and see how you feel tomorrow. Remember that everyday is a new opportunity to choose sobriety or drinking.
It’s all up to you girl.
Sherry
Please keep posting, from a selfish point of view it makes me feel like I’m not alone, that someone else is feeling how I feel. It’s a lifeline too me, although don’t want you to feel under pressure!
It’s always good to hear from you xxx
Ps: have you tried guided meditation? I’ve got a cd I listen too, some days it’s easier than others, but I find it beneficial x
Have you heard the expression, ‘the person who has been sober longest is the one who woke up earliest this morning’ ?! Easier for me to say I know – but those of us further ahead in time only got there by getting through each day by equipping ourselves with sufficient resources to do so. Keep bolstering yourself up and focusing on the positives and it will get easier! Xx
Keep going Annie – no-one wants you to stop writing. We all have our struggles – different, similar, for whatever reason. You’re worth the struggle xx
Ask yourself this: what good will starting to drink again do? Maybe feel good for a few hours, then feel 10 times worse because you did? Don’t spiral down! 60 days for me and I know if I started to drink again I’d end up lower and drinking more than I did before. Plus I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror. Love yourself, you can do this! No matter what though keep blogging and we’ll all keep you in our prayers.
Mary 💗
Hi Annie
comparing yourself to others is torture and not compassionate. forget about Friday, forget about tomorrow, just focus on NOW, right this moment. I feel sad you are succumbing to those THOUGHTS. That is all they are – THOUGHTS. acknowledge them, thank them and then tell them to go away as they are not helpful!! You maybe giving them more power than they deserve. the first bit is the worst, seriously! curl up in a ball and hide under the duvet for the next few days. don’t go out, don’t go shopping, order takeaways, and watch telly! Tell hubby this is what you are doing so you can get over the first rough hump and get him to do what it takes to help you. you are SO WORTH IT.!!! hubby could be your best ally right now. use him.
love from Lisa
http://www.thecword-compassion.com
Reading your blog makes me wonder if my brain secretly leaves my head and goes off on its own and writes a blog…. I emailed belle today complaining that I’m worrying about Saturday because it’s my birthday….hello???? It’s freaking TUESDAY. I like that you have a “no drink on Tuesday rule”. For me, the day of the week was irrelevant. While it wasn’t everyday it really didn’t matter if it was a random Tuesday or Thursday….
We just have to get through now. This moment. And when we get through this moment there’s the next moment. And pretty soon all the moments add up to a day completed and then it’s bedtime!!!
Hi Annie
Well done for not drinking on Tuesdays! I never had that kind of self-discipline.
You’ll get there. We all started exactly where you are now.
Sara
Have you ever heard the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy?” I think about that ALL THE TIME because I used to constantly compare myself to others – it was the best way I knew to put myself down. It was only when I got sober when I realized how unhelpful it was – how it tore me down, and kept me from growing and moving on.
Anyway, it’s easy for me to sit here and say “stop comparing yourself to other people, sober bloggers, whatever,” because I know how hard it is. But here on the other side of the screen, I don’t think that you’re “better” or “worse” than other sober people – I just think you’re at where you’re at in this journey. You’re struggling. It’s hard. You’re “hanging around day one” (as Belle says) and that’s a hard place to be (I know, because I’ve been there!). Please keep writing and reaching out – your honestly certainly helps me (it makes me remember what hanging around day one felt like). And hopefully writing it all out is helping you too.
Annie, I can’t offer any advice, only good wishes that you find your happiest path. What is that for you? Right now, you feel it lies in being able to drink and you feel too big a loss at the thought of denying yourself that. And yet, you have given sobriety a few goes. Why? What made you want to do that? Was there something in your drinking that was bothering you? I’m assuming there was or you wouldn’t have ended up here, trying it, writing about it. Whatever it was that keeps leading you to need to try sobriety is unlikely to go away. So, it seems likely that you will keep returning to this spot, giving it a go. It’s up to you whether that’s now or down the line. Personally, I got fed up with to’ing and fro’ing and decided that I’d had enough of the struggle. And I needed to choose to do it before life declined beyond the point of no return. Only you know where you’re at and wherever that is, we’re all here to support you. Bea xxx
I love your honesty. Everyone here has been through the dark days and is here to support you. For those have dark days,we know we’re not alone. Most importantly, you are not alone either. xx
Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us your true feelings always. That truly takes a lot of courage. And because of this, I know you are strong!
I love your honesty. Whether you’re feeling positive or negative. Its all part of it. I don’t think anybody really has it all together all of the time. I truly love reading your blog. Please keep writing knowing that others like me, are inspired by your words 🙂