I suddenly feel compelled to write. I was going to wait until I tried another Day 1, but I can’t even seem to reach that day. This is not going well.
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling ill: not ill from drinking, more ill at ease with myself. I resolved to start my Day 1 today, and woke feeling good about this plan. But as the day went by, I started to talk myself out of it. And now here I am, on a Monday evening, usually my sacred no-drinking evening, already having had a drink.
As I said, this is not going well.
I think I am quite an organized person, so I like lists, and plans, and challenges. Part of me has really relished the sober challenges I have set myself, but as I fail each time, the novelty of these self-imposed tasks starts to wear off. I see the pitfalls in advance and, rather than tackle them with strength and determination, I give up before I even reach them. A sort of I know how this story goes so I might as well not go there routine.
I think I need a new plan. As I keep coming back to my blog, to others’ blogs, to a sober possibility, it seems to me that I am seeking something, and that at the same time I am avoiding something. I am hiding.