In limbo

I suddenly feel compelled to write. I was going to wait until I tried another Day 1, but I can’t even seem to reach that day. This is not going well.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling ill: not ill from drinking, more ill at ease with myself. I resolved to start my Day 1 today, and woke feeling good about this plan. But as the day went by, I started to talk myself out of it. And now here I am, on a Monday evening, usually my sacred no-drinking evening, already having had a drink.

As I said, this is not going well.

I think I am quite an organized person, so I like lists, and plans, and challenges. Part of me has really relished the sober challenges I have set myself, but as I fail each time, the novelty of these self-imposed tasks starts to wear off. I see the pitfalls in advance and, rather than tackle them with strength and determination, I give up before I even reach them. A sort of I know how this story goes so I might as well not go there routine.

I think I need a new plan. As I keep coming back to my blog, to others’ blogs, to a sober possibility, it seems to me that I am seeking something, and that at the same time I am avoiding something. I am hiding.

9 thoughts on “In limbo”

  1. yes sweetie, you are hiding something I am afraid to say. try and find out what it is and shake it down. have you considered a therapist yet?
    so lovely to hear from you, I have been thinking of you often.
    big hugs

  2. “In order to be successful your desire to succeed must be greater than your fear of failure.” Mark Twain. Here’s another one, “A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.” Winston Churchhill. You can succeed! Be an optimist!
    Mary. πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

  3. Hi Annie, it was good to see your blog pop up in my inbox ! I was missing your daily blogs. I am sorry it is so hard for you at the moment. How about giving yourself a break and just lurking for a while ? When I was deciding what to do I spent a lot of time lurking on the Living Sober website. What really struck me about the members was that they were all ‘problem drinkers’ and there was a recurring theme of (a) moderation is impossible for non-normies and (b) being sober rocks !! Reading these similar comments day after day helped me inch towards making a decision to stop drinking forever.

  4. Oh Annie! Such a tormented soul. Maybe your just not ready. I don’t know what ready is but I think you will know when it is time. It’s just so hard to let it go……. Keep blogging!

  5. Annie, having had a number of false starts, I totally understand your despair before even beginning again. All I can say is, the right time will happen when you’re ready. When the hiding gets more tiresome than the facing up to it. I’m so glad to see you here πŸ™‚ Bea xxx

  6. It’s okay. Maybe the all or nothing view is too overwhelming? You’ll come to it when and if you’re ready. In the meantime stop beating yourself up. It doesn’t help at all. Be gentle with yourself.

  7. Hi Annie, good to hear from you. I feel your struggle. I agree that the all or nothing view is just too overwhelming. I have been abstaining for the most part during the week and only drink on Friday, Sat., and Sunday. Unfortunately, I still drink too much on those days. Think about how good it feels to be sober. Sleeping well, reading at night, spending quality time with your kids. Those urges will fade. Urges are like paper tigers, nothing to fear. Like smoke, they go away. Wait it out .
    On another note, have you ever tried meditating. I have been into that lately and it seems to make it easier to resist the wine. Good luck to you.

  8. Hello there, I’m a great big newbie to this and am on Day two. Incredibly ironic in that the house is full of booze as my partner got a little carried away with my “last night” (and what a disaster THAT turned out to be) and there are literally 30 500ml bottles of 6% Cider in the Fridge. He barely even drinks! Madness all round. I understand about hiding, or at least wishing to, but the thing is that I’m on in full stereo when I’m imbibing. If I wished to keep myself tidy and quiet I wouldn’t tuck into that booze, because it makes me obnoxious, crazy, aggressive and paranoid and very, very visible (just ask the Neighbours). I like privacy, hence the moniker of “Anonymous” (I haven’t posted yet but I’m assuming it’s an option). I suppose what I’m trying to say is if hiding is about control, then alcohol is the last avenue you would consider, at least for me. I can’t know whether any of this applies or resonates with you or anyone else here but it’s part of my reasoning. I want to be in control, not rolling around on the floor shrieking my misery for whole damn street to see.

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