Darker afternoons

I am very grateful for people’s comments; they really help me. I try and reply if I can, but please don’t worry if I don’t – I still appreciate you.

Day 2. Or is it day 2002, another day when I go over and over what I am doing? Earlier today, I ate a huge slice of chocolate cake, and I immediately felt this hopeless sense of having failed some sort of self-imposed health quest. If I’d failed there, then I might as well fail with my drinking quest too (I thought to myself). I often find that these things are tied together: a sense of having not been perfect. Drinking has allowed me to be ‘rubbish’ and I sometimes quite like that, the feeling that I don’t have to be organized, tidy, efficient. If I’m having a glass of wine, then it doesn’t matter if the children haven’t done their piano practice.

If I am to succeed in not drinking, I need to be able to feel not good about things and not mind about that.

Wednesday, and I’m already thinking about Friday. I need to be honest with you, otherwise this blog is pointless. I can feel myself thinking – already – that on Friday I’m going to do the same thing as I did last week, which is to buy some wine, and drink it. I don’t want to enlist my husband’s help not to drink, because I don’t want him to stop me. In other words, I want to do what I want. I am sounding petulant now; sorry.

It was a beautiful Autumn afternoon here today. I walked the dog and listened to the most recent Bubble Hour podcast about PAWS. I love The Bubble Hour; people who pass me in the park must think I’m odd as I nod and laugh (or cry!) while I listen.

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10 thoughts on “Darker afternoons”

  1. Right back at it myself at another day 1…..I know what you are saying about the eating thing. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect. Hugs from NY

  2. Quitting drinking was a stepping stone for me. I quit drinking. Is slowly started to realize just how hard I was on myself. I became kinder and gentler. I found love for me.

    Alcohol was preventing me from ever seeing the beauty inside myself.

  3. Beautiful! 🙂 I guess I have to look up what petulant means 😀 but I don’t think it will change me liking this post. 🙂

    And if you were referring to me with the worrying, I think I have stopped and I will get of your case. Have to be honest though, I just posted something for you on my blog. Hope you like it. 🙂 But please mail at {my full blog name}@gmail.com if you don’t or feel it pressures you.

  4. Feeling the same here. I do pretty well during the week. Enjoying the sober sleeping and the sober evenings. But just one little change in routine can ruin it all. My yoga class was cancelled last night due to Veteran’s Day and it set me off to drink wine! And too much of it! Sheesh!
    What to do about Friday night. We need some tools. Maybe start later and quit earlier?? Drink water along with the wine. I know it all sounds good on paper, but when you are in the throes of the bottle, not so much. A sober weekend would really be good idea. What do you think?

  5. I am going to say something that doesn’t seem to be very PC on these replies but I don’t think you really want to quit. I think you should for your children. You need to lay it all out there to your husband and maybe even your friends. If they know it is so much harder to fail. Have you ever referred to yourself as an alcoholic? I mean even to yourself. I want you to succeed so much. I want you to be happy. You need to stop “trying” and start doing. Best wishes to you. Believe in yourself!

  6. Go Tracey! I enlisted my husband to help me. we formulated plans together and talked about it a lot. it did help, but at the end of the day, you can only really do it for yourself, if you want to enough.!!
    Annie, I am no expert but I suspect there are concerns over being a good girl from your childhood and (a privileged one I am only guessing) and hubby is a stand in for maybe Dad???? trying to be perfect and good, do the right thing…..shit I may be right off the mark here but there I have said it.! a therapist may really be a great help to you right now. look at me, I wanted to end my life most days – for years, I PROMISE PROMISE it is worth it.
    xxxxx

    ps hitting SEND now before I get cold feet and chicken out

  7. I’m so glad you’re writing again, it’s inspiring. I feel like our blogging journeys are a bit in parallel. I too have obviously drifted away for a while. but not forever. Thanks for being an understanding voice, and a strong one. We’ll get there.

  8. You want to do what you want. Exactly. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

    It really IS that simple.

    You can do this. I believe in you enough for both of us.

    Sherry

  9. I’ve just started with some bubble hour stuff its really helpful. Youre one up on me though I can’t listen on my phone!

    Its rubbish thinking about it all the time. Try and be nice to yourself. x When I first had my first few days sober, yours was the blog I came back to a million times. Like a million to read and read again.

    You inspired me you know to keep at it.

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