I am very grateful for people’s comments; they really help me. I try and reply if I can, but please don’t worry if I don’t – I still appreciate you.
Day 2. Or is it day 2002, another day when I go over and over what I am doing? Earlier today, I ate a huge slice of chocolate cake, and I immediately felt this hopeless sense of having failed some sort of self-imposed health quest. If I’d failed there, then I might as well fail with my drinking quest too (I thought to myself). I often find that these things are tied together: a sense of having not been perfect. Drinking has allowed me to be ‘rubbish’ and I sometimes quite like that, the feeling that I don’t have to be organized, tidy, efficient. If I’m having a glass of wine, then it doesn’t matter if the children haven’t done their piano practice.
If I am to succeed in not drinking, I need to be able to feel not good about things and not mind about that.
Wednesday, and I’m already thinking about Friday. I need to be honest with you, otherwise this blog is pointless. I can feel myself thinking – already – that on Friday I’m going to do the same thing as I did last week, which is to buy some wine, and drink it. I don’t want to enlist my husband’s help not to drink, because I don’t want him to stop me. In other words, I want to do what I want. I am sounding petulant now; sorry.
It was a beautiful Autumn afternoon here today. I walked the dog and listened to the most recent Bubble Hour podcast about PAWS. I love The Bubble Hour; people who pass me in the park must think I’m odd as I nod and laugh (or cry!) while I listen.