Someone commented that I seem to be on the fence. They are right, of course. I am constantly wavering between giving up and drinking, and go round in a cycle of determination and weakness with very little sense of progress. The same commenter suggested that I lack the courage to decide which path to follow. I have been thinking about this a lot: do I lack the courage?
Sunday morning and another Day 1. I guess I am still on the fence. I often feel like this: weary of the drinking, disappointed in myself, wanting to move forward in a more positive way, but unable to be clearly on one path. My path is unclear to me.
Sometimes I feel super-motivated, with lots of sober tools and a sense that this is what I want to be doing. Later in the day, I feel overwhelmed by the decision and start to back out of it. I consider giving up the blog: I didn’t have the blog when I managed my 60 days earlier this year. But although I sometimes have to face tough (but truthful) comments on the blog, I feel supported and I need some sort of accountability, some sort of network where I can get advice and feel understood.
But the question is still nagging me, and I think it may be fundamental: do I lack the courage?