Circles

Day 1 again. I went to the doctor yesterday as I had had a sore feeling in my stomach since last weekend. She gave me some pills, I came home and drank some wine. I’m not even going to begin to look at how crazy this was. My husband was at a drinks party last night, so I didn’t tell him about the wine, but this morning we agreed that it would be sensible for me not to drink so that I can see if my stomach pain gets better. So I’m hitting the dreaded Friday night with an enforced plan of action! I might even get through today without drinking! Imagine!

Lots of exclamation marks, but I’m not feeling bonny. However, although the past couple of months have been pretty hopeless on the sobriety front, I do feel as though the circles in which I’m running are getting smaller and smaller, and that I will eventually find myself right in the centre, and at that very point I will have to face myself.

For now, for today, I am going to be quiet at home, and try and get better. No wine aisle visits at the supermarket this morning; instead, I stocked up on some pudding treats and am going to sit on the sofa this evening with a hot water bottle. Better than a wine bottle I reckon.

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26 thoughts on “Circles”

  1. You know that image of a circle getting smaller is exactly right. You’re closing in on yourself and then you will blossom again. Stay tucked up warm and safe and get better. Starting a day one on a Friday (your worst trigger night) is good. By Monday it will be Day 4 and by next Friday you will be well past the troublesome first few days. Hugs from Bea xx

  2. Dear Path,

    I am going to ask you a serious question. And maybe you do not like it, and maybe it is going to make you cry. But it hopefully it is going to make you see something too. Here it comes! πŸ™‚ (Do not) brace your self.

    You drink a lot of alcohol. You can’t stop doing that although you want to and try. You feel major shit about all that and it gets you down over and over again to the point where you seem to feel a powerless, worthless individual, undoubtedly your despair, if I may use that word, makes you feel disconnected and lonely.

    And then you go to the doctor and get for pills for a stomach ache. My question: is that really the help you need?

    And yes, this IS one of those rethorical question thingies if you want to know. πŸ˜‰

    Hope you work it out. Hugs, ❀ ❀ ❀

    PS: all these negative feelings I listed above changed immediately when I really, really decided I was going to quit. The depression went immediately at the moment of quitting. And yeah, that's when the other shitty feelings arose but those are indications for the real stuff I need to deal with. Not the alcohol induced depression I was in – that is all fake, it does not have to be there and it went away. You will feel proud and strong again and frisk, bouce, dance and frolic along your lives path.

    And NO you do not have to do it alone. You will have to do the work yourself – as we all do – but you will be able to carry that when you do not drink. And if you go look for help and find professionals with their own sobriety experience they will be able to point out the traps for you and you don't have to fall in all of them yourself. It will be tough, sometimes, but for me: I am mainly grateful to myself that I quit. I can finally breathe. As you can do to – but not when you drink. Alcohol eats you up, it demolishes what is good about you and about the world.

    That was a long PS, it's one of those tries to make it look like I've actually written a short reply for a change… ;-). No, didn't work. πŸ˜€

  3. When I feel adrift, I usually grab a blanket and put on some comfy PJs and hunker down in a nice safe soft spot. πŸ™‚

  4. Annie, I like your circle analogy. When you find yourself facing yourself, remember you are a good person. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate to yourself. Please do not be too hard on yourself. I think you have accomplished so much in this past 7 months. Perhaps the stomach pain is stress related. You have been reflecting so much and worrying a lot. Take care of yourself today. Love yourself. You are a good person, a good wife, a good Mom, a good friend. I know everything is going to be OK. You can accomplish so much (and you are accomplishing so much) one day at a time.

  5. β€œAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

    β€œAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

    β€œAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

    β€œAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

    I loved this………………………..food for thought……stomach ache?????
    hugs from NZ
    Lisa
    http://www.thecword-compassion.com

  6. Love Lisa’s post and Feeling’s as well. You get a lot of good advice. Which I am grateful to read as well. Hang on to that. I am wondering however how getting stomach pills for your tummy ache was a trigger for drinking? Guess you’re probably not to sure about that either.
    Anyway you are well into your Friday night. Hoping it is a sober one. I am planning a sober night as well. Off to shop for Thanksgiving feast coming up next week. Stay well.
    Luv, Tina Jeanne

  7. Hi Annie, as a smoker, I have always gleefully smoked my way through chest infections, flu, colds, even having all four impacted wisdom teeth out despite being warned it would likely cause infection. And how it did! My face blew up so much my left eye was partially closed as there was simply not enough skin on my face to accommodate the epic swelling. I’m still smoking (?!?!?) but not drinking. Day 13 for me and while it’s no walk in the park, things have certainly been easier to deal with without the unnecessary added drama of how I react with the booze on board. I am calmer and more in control, less likely to overreact and misinterpret minor calamities. Things that seemed ten feet tall after a bottle of wine are actually molehills that I can skirt around or deal with much more effectively with a clear head. It simply wasn’t worth it anymore. Sickness is easily ignored (see above re: smoking) when you feel you’re getting something out an escape hatch. But it is also an opportunity to listen to your body and consider what it’s telling you. At the risk of being a pill pusher, I would urge you to look into Naltrexone. It isn’t a magic bullet, but gives you a little room to move in your decision making, a little breathing space. Up to you, and plenty (if not all) of the people here seem to be making it without it, so don’t feel obliged to listen to me. You don’t have to do it alone, and if so many can do it with support from forums like this then I’m most, most impressed. I’m doing it with both. But I’m finding that the longer I go without, the less pull it has and the better off I feel. I had to circle around until the only space I had left was to jump off the merry-go-round. Perhaps that’s how it goes. We all have to make our own way to where we need to be (sounds wanky I know). Chin up, look after yourself and have a look at how very many people are cheering you on. M

  8. I totally get this. When I’m most down and out, in pain, sick, feeling like a bad mom or bad wife or bad employee, is when I make it even worse by turning to a cold glass of my favorite drink. And sometimes, unfortunately, it makes me feel better for a few hours. And I’m supposed to want to give that up? Sucks sometimes. But somehow I know it will be better on the other side.

  9. Annie, I feel for you. Early sobriety can be really, shockingly dreadful and hard. I am Day 157 today and things are a lot easier but day 1-30 were really brutal for me. For what its worth you are tougher than you think. You keep repeating day 1,2,3 etc which are the hardest and most testing of all the days anyone can have when kicking the bottle. You must really want this otherwise you wouldn’t put yourself through this ordeal over and over again. If you can make it through those first days the compulsion will lift- slowly but surely. Can you get away to a booze free ‘safe’ pace like a health retreat for a bit to get you going on a really solid foundation- once you have worked out your tummy is ok? I gave up on holidays (in Italy- yes all that great wine…) but having meals cooked and beds made and being in very different surroundings really helped.
    Hugs from Australia xx

  10. we have done this before. My father, 43 years sober, told me no one gets it on the first shot at sobriety. He says it can take a million starts until it works. We are works in progress aware of problems and trying to fix them. Feel better.

  11. Annie, I love what Lara says. you are actually repeating the hardest days over and over. it gets easier after day 3, (there is the predictable day 30 and 90) but other than that, if you can make it past the first hump, you could get yourself out of the nightmare…..
    Lisa

  12. Hi Annie, hope you are feeling better this morning. I had my first sober Friday night with you last night. You were in my thoughts. No words of wisdom (as usual!) but to echo the others, and agree. I thought Lara made a brilliant point about the early days being the hardest, in any addiction we face, but we keep trying. I shall keep that and the quote from Mallard tucked away close to my heart to reflect on.

    Cherish yourself like you would your children, love yourself like you love them, you are precious too.

    1. Sorry! Yes, I am ok. I haven’t written a post for a while as I’m trying to get a run of sober days under my belt first. The stopping/starting pattern was really getting me down and I was worried that my blog was too depressing. Hope you’re ok? How are you? Annie x

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