All alone

It is 11.20pm and I should go to bed. My husband went to bed ages ago, and I said I would stay up and clear up. The washing up is waiting for me, but instead I have done something I haven’t done for a while: I have read all the sober blogs that I used to read, and have tried to catch up with their stories. I have missed them.

And where am I? Well, it’s nearly Christmas, and for weeks now I have been in the Nearly Christmas Zone, where everything seems to revolve around drinking and festivity. This is not a good place for me. Busy days, and then 5 or 6pm I open a bottle and greet my husband with it when he comes in from work. Tonight he suggested having a couple of days off, and I said, ” I am going to continue drinking until January 1st”. I am the opposite of sober; I am drunk.

I am frightened. I want to get back on the sober path that I tried this year, with some success. It now feels insurmountable. Always waiting until January 1st; always waiting. Is it even possible or sensible to begin a sober plan in the most alcohol filled month of the year? Or am I destined always to find an excuse not to go for it.

31 thoughts on “All alone”

  1. Welcome back. You can do it if you really want to. Do you? Really? You need to do it not try it. The idea of starting on Jan. 1 is a reasonable plan. Say your goodbyes to the booze. May a solid plan. Say hello to a clear life. Say hello to your family. Make your children proud of you. You can do this. I really believe it is a smart idea to tell some friends you are quitting the booze. You don’t need to tell them the nitty gritty just you think your life will be better without it. Truth! Letting your plans be known makes you more accountable. You just need to decide and stop vacillating. I’m routing for you!

    1. Thanks, Tracey. I don’t think there will ever be a good time to start, but I’d like to try. I know I need to be more positive, but I can only crawl forward at the moment. Annie x

  2. Its 11.50pm and my husband is snoring like a train. I think he always snored, I’m only use to it now cos, well, you know just cos I’m not wine-d up at bed time for once in my life!

    This is not a reason to drink however, as loud as he is! I’ve tiptoed out and logged in and found you – yay!

    I’m glad you’re here and blogging again.

    If you’re frightened sweetness, don’t be scared. There’s a whole ocean of sober love out there to help you fathom the chopping waters. If you decide to start on a sober path again, there’s so much support out there to load into your toolkit, so many hands to help load it up and help until you’re steadily on your way.

    Hang on in there. You know you’re not alone. You’ll find what works for you in your heart.

    Offers a paw of support and a hug. xx

    Lucy shared a link a few days ago on Hangover free life and the man in the video said, we wake up each day having not drunk. Made me think.

    So each new day brings lots of new-ness and potential changes.

  3. PS sorry for the spelling. I’m coming out of my sober closet a bit by doing Dry January. Its a great public excuse to start a wee bit of non-drinking for a good cause and not unusual in the start of the year. I’m even thinking of sharing my dry january on facebook. [insert shock horror face here] happy to chum you along if you fancy. xx

    1. The Dry January idea is certainly appealing, but I worry that I need to do something before then, or else I risk drinking more than ever over the next few weeks. Thanks for all your support, my friend. Annie x

  4. Dear Annie. Any day can be day one. You just need to tell your husband you are suffering and need help. And then figure out what that help looks like.

    We are all here for you.

    I quit last december 1. It was not easy. My birthday, christmas, new years.
    But i just couldnt keep on with it. Pretending i was ok.

    Im here to help you in any way. Dont let the cebration of the holidays slip away in a booze filled haze.

  5. I just completed the 100 day challenge then started “slipping” 4 days later. A slip here. A slip there. I realized I had been drinking all this past month. I don’t want to start the new year a drunk. So I’m starting another 100 day challenge today. No holiday drinking. If I can get through this, January will be a breeze. Today is my new Day 1. Why don’t you join me?

    1. I would like to join you, Cheryl, but I’m worried I will let you down. Well done on your 100 days, and I’m glad you’re having another go. Annie x

  6. Glad you are here. You know there’s a lot of support here if or when you decide to take that step.

    Carrie at Carrieonsober had a great quote about not drinking at Christmas… something like “making it through this festive season sober will take me to new levels in my sobriety and it will never be this hard ever again.” Or if you decide to try it again in January you will be going with the New Year zeitgeist rather than fighting it.

    It’s up to you, as ever. You can do this and you don’t have to be alone unless you want to. Cyber hugs.

  7. So happy to hear from you! Yes, it s hard. And yes, this is the “worst” time to quit. Actually there’s never a great time……
    It seems as if you’ve made up your mind that sobriety before New Years is not happening. You have to be ready. We are here for you!

  8. Im just going to say that i dont think we are ever ready. At best we are sick and tired of being sick and tired and we just decide its easier to stop drinking than to keep killing ourselves slowly.
    At worst there is a low bottom, with loss of health, family, employment, or worse.

    1. I had just been trawling down the comments wondering how I could explain to Annie how I felt about her situation, and you said it in the most perfect words. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired. That is why I had to stop. Annie, you sound so worn out. Often, being sober for me just feels like the really easy option as there is no more angst !

  9. Maybe this could be your “bottom”? Hating myself almost daily was the WORST feeling. It made everything SO MUCH HARDER. Hugs from NY

    1. Yes! Hating myself had become the norm. I actually thought it was reality, that i was really just a weak, flawed, bad person.
      It still shocks me that that was the booze. That without it my mind cleared and i could finally learn to love myself again, just as i am.

  10. Annie, it’s good to hear from you. So much good advice here. I sense you are building your motivation and that is such a good thing! This community will certainly be here for you! Let us know when you pick your Day 1. Love always! Via

  11. One day you will wake up and say – “Enough” – and it will be. You won’t look back.

    Or you’ll continue drinking and stay in this hell.

    It’s your choice.

    Whichever you choose, we’re all out here loving you anyway.


  12. I can only echo the idea that there are no “good” days to stop drinking, only days bad enough, desperate enough to let you know you must. My experience was that I KNEW on Thanksgiving day that I was through, and yet I kept drinking until the following March…I couldn’t possibly stop during the holidays, or the month my husband died or, or….those last 4 months were the absolute worst because I KNEW and yet I continued with my hafl-assed excuses and justifications.
    I wish you that same desperation and the wisdom to act on it. And i remind you that sometimes that desperation comes in a jail cell, a hospital room or even a morgue…. today is a wonderful day to not pick up a drink.
    I’m glad you are on here, the community will help. But you have to make that choice so that we can fully support you.

  13. You can do it if you want it bad enough. I don’t know your financial situation, but have you thought about visiting a retreat or a monastery or some other place you can go – not necessarily rehab – but a place where you can get a couple weeks under your belt in a supportive environment?

  14. Hi Annie

    I relate to your story so very much. I am in the same position and have been going back and forth with the idea of quitting at Christmas. I even started a blog to help. But, I failed (again). So, I plan on quitting drinking on 28th December this year for the 100 day challenge. I figure it gets me past Christmas but also means I don’t go into 2015 as a drinker, I’ll already have 4 days under my belt.

    If you feel like this could be your start date too and would like to travel the journey with someone who knows how you feel, I’d be really happy to give you my email address.

    Let me know if you do want a Sober Pal who could be on the same days as you and share our journey.

    Kind Regards

  15. Just catching up with you Annie. Glad to see your recent post. I, too am tired and worn out from drinking..and eating crap…and getting no sunshine here in the midwest. I need change too. But I fear it will have to wait until the first of the year as well when I can start anew. I may even start a blog! We need to learn to love ourselves as ainsobriety says in her comment. Without the booze
    Tina Jeanne

  16. There are no good days to stop, but some are better than others. I feel like I’m almost ready to try again. To at least do a big chunk of days to let my liver heal. I’m reading “the science of drinking” which is helping more than any psychobabble like alan carr. I take days off and then i get so proud of myself and drink twice as much as i normally would the day after. But I’m starting to resent alcohol and love yoga and have other things I want to do with my evenings that I can do better without couch lock. I guess this is a long winded way of saying that Jan 1 was something I’ve been seriously thinking about. Or maybe Jan 5, after the New Year’s weekend. Maybe we can do it together?

  17. Hi Annie, great to hear from you – and great to read all the comments and see how much support there is out there. I’ve made a decision this week to do dry January – phew it’s out there, join me, and join up with all the support, we can do this, we can and we will. Sending you lots of love x

  18. Hi Annie,
    I am new to this whole blogging thing, and just joined Belle’s 100 day challenge. For the second time. I have tried drinking too many times to count. I am on day 12 right now. It is amazing how much support there is on here. For the first time, I feel like I can actually succeed at sobriety. There is never a good day. I didn’t even think I was ready to quit. I just woke up a few Sunday’s ago and said that is IT. I am DONE. Here to support you!!

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