Day 14, but I’m not feeling uplifted and good about it. My troubled mood which began over the weekend continues. I’ve been reading other blogs, trying to absorb some of that motivation and good spirit, but instead I feel utterly fed up, sad even. SORRY.
I think I put quite a lot of energy into my sober weekend, with my visitors and husband drinking. So perhaps I’m just tired. But I can’t shake off this feeling of being worn out by sobriety. I seem to spend so many hours a day contemplating it. I know I need to do the work, but I need a break; not a drink, a break. What shall I do?
In an earlier post, I resolved to write every day, but my words sound so depressed and hopeless, and I don’t want to discourage people. My friends, I am troubled.
A Dappled Path 
Don’t feel too alone on this score, I find this mourning period especially hard too. For me debating the ‘can I drink’ or ‘just moderate’, a torture. That for me is the energy zapper & I’m miserable and mad, depressed & honestly friggin over it when that conversation gets going in my head.
I mean I haven’t always had this blasted drinking problem. I just want to go back & have fun & relax.
So this time, (15th or so try) I’m just not dwelling on that for more than a minute. The deal I made with myself is…. for now I need to dry out….. for 100 days minimum, ideally I need to slowly unpack my emotional baggage (stuff that made ‘me’ drink), sort through a few messy bits, toss some out and put some away for later. That will take some time & that’s ok.
When that’s done we’ll see.
But the alternative is worse, if I carry on…. things will get even worse… & if I really don’t have a problem (as part of me thinks) I can do this & get back to the old me.
You are not alone, its hard, it frankly sucks but I find it does get easier when you block out the negotiation conversations and make a deal with your true self that you can live with.
I know I don’t know you personally but your blog has truthfully helped me all weekend … so a big thank you ~*~
I totally get the needing a break. I find that i will hit a milestone and then think, “oh I deserve a drink for that!” Or I will go to an event sober then when i get home think “wow i did that sober! I should drink to that!”
I think we just need to realize…and its a slow process…that we CANT drink and drinking ISNT a reward or will give us any reprieve from life.
Its taking me a long time and I still have that addict thinking pop up but it gets better.
So please keep posting and venting and letting these sucky emotions out. This is what its for!!
X,
Mandy
Hi Annie,
I really feel for you because it us hard. It’s almost as if we have to adopt a whole new life. But for me carrying on the way I was, was getting much harder. Even when I was having drunken ‘fun’ I already dreaded the morning before I even stopped drinking, knowing I’d written off another potentially healthy productive day. I worried about my insides too, and like you was getting alcohol related gastric problems. Have you got a list of all the things you don’t miss about drinking? I would imagine that this list is longer than the list of what you miss, but it’s hard. Everyone is still here for you and it’s good that you feel still able to blog even when you are troubled and unsure…
I hope you find your answers
Sarah
You must get emails from Belle? If you can, listen to her latest audio. It’s a “pep” talk. It’s a lot of what she’s written before but now she is SAYING it, which seems to give “life” to the words.
It sucks. I know. I’m at 15 AGAIN. My brain keeps jumping ahead, thinking about vacation (in May) and the summer (it’s 20 degrees here, hello?). Just go minute by minute. Keep blogging because you are helping us as well as yourself.
Hang in there, ok? The first few days are the shittiest. Do you have a counselor or therapist you can talk to who understands the rollercoaster you’re on at the moment?
https://parkinglotpushups.wordpress.com/
Annie, it does suck, but it’s a case of doing it anyway, perhaps. Because it won’t suck forever whereas a hungover life will. Hugs from me.
Hi Annie, big hugs from me, I’m on day 14 too. I’m still a newbie, and don’t have the experience or advice of the other posters. One thing that is helping me is taking the negotiation out of the process. I keep saying to myself, it’s just for January. Just January. Sounds easier than it is, I know, but if you can take out the ifs and buts and questions about the future, and think about short blocks of time, it might make it easier, I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I really enjoy reading your blog, you inspire me and help me, and I’d like to think that I’m here to support you too. We’re not alone and we can do this. We can, and we will.
Annie so well done on your sober weekend! Sorry you are feeling low at the moment. One thing I’ve found super-helpful is the idea of writing a gratitude list. Think I did it pretty consistently from day 100 to day 180 and it really helped me focus on the positives… please don’t take this as a dismissal of what you are feeling sad about, that’s not what I mean…. but sometimes changing up that focus can really help lift one’s mood. All the best, Prim xx
Annie
It is sad. You are going through s big change. That is scary and it does cause grief and mourning. Let yoursrkf be sad.
If you need a break from life you could consider a treatment facility. They are a nice, safe place to give yourself time to heal.
Otherwise this is an opportunity to reachbout to some real life support. Go to s meeting. See what’s what.
The sadness will not go away by drinking. The obsession with sobriety will not go away until you are sober. Everything you are feeling is normal.
Time. Just give it time.
Feeling your pain, Annie. Although I am in a lovely place for the winter, it is pouring rain and I am stuck inside with nothing really to do. Drinking sounds like a good idea, because that is what I would normally do on a night like this, just numb my brain and fall into bed drunk. But I will wait it out, until the wolfie voice passes. I am at day 13 which is not enough time. You need more time too. You got to 42 days before, you can get through this month. Belle’s audio will help. I listened to it today, myself. Be present for this and allow yourself to go through the hard part so you can learn the tools you need to remain sober .
Hi Annie,
Have you read much about PAWS? Feeling bad/irritable/negative is one of the main symptoms, and it can last on and off for quite some time. Here is a link that explains it in depth, which I found quite helpful. Read if you are interested! http://whatmesober.com/paws/
Also- no need to apologize for being depressed/hopeless. It is not necessary to feel happy about quitting all of the time in order to quit. Ride out the bad feelings and you will hit a period of feeling more ‘up’. The longer you go without drinking the more ‘up’ periods you will have. Write if it helps you! We can deal with whatever you have to say, good or bad. 🙂
Yes the beginning does really stink..no two ways about it. Listen to the Bubble Hour..email Belle and keep talking to us. As simple as it sounds making a list of the pros/cons of drinking is eye opening…and try to only get through today..just today..no more….big hug!
Hi annie. Just ride it and take care. This is is all completely normal but unfortunately the only way out is thru!. Just make time to curl in a ball and lok after yourself. I stayed in bed for weeks!!!!!!
Hugs from nz
lisa
http://www.thecword-compassion.com
As we say in Texas, you need to grab your own boot straps and give.
them a good hard yank! You have a possible alcohol related health concern, you already. have 14 days of sobriety, you have as many as twenty people checking on you daily. You have everything you need to be successful. Commit to yourself to go atleast beyond your last best attempt….I think I read it was 42 days, go for 45 then revisit how you feel. I do wish you luck and determination.
Hi there. Love your blog, So honest. Please don’t censure yourself from saying honest things that you think might ‘let the die down’ or discourage someone else. The honesty is what makes your blog most useful to others I think. As others have said, theses feelings are typical of this length of time sober. I know you know that of course we also sort of forget at the visceral level don’t we? Just keep on going. It is like growing vegetables this sobriety thing. You can do all the right things to promote healthy growth but the passage of some time is also a necessity and the only thing we can do about that bit is to wait.
sorry – meant ‘let the side down’ of course!
Annie –
PAWS…yes…check it out.
Also, if you think you’re tired, irritable, depressed with obsessive thought NOW, think about how it was (or read about it in your old posts) when you were drinking. Way way worse…
It’s your addiction talking to you now – or should I say lying to you now – about what you should or shouldn’t do. Shut down your brain…listen to your heart. Your heart know what your next right step is.
Good luck – and don’t stop writing. It’s so therapeutic no matter what you have to say.
Sherry
“[W]orn out by sobriety,” – this is such a good description. I’ve had that feeling many times Annie. Somehow, I just push through when it is happening. Since passing 6 months in November, feeling energized by sobriety is happening much more often. Hang in there friend. One day at a time remember. And I think your walks with our dog, getting outside, moving around sound like things that help you a lot!
“your dog” that is 🙂