I could be rubbish

Thank you for your comments yesterday as I approached my 30 day mark. And now here I am, having reached 30 days. It feels like a small triumph.

Towards the end of last year, when I had pretty much given up giving up and was drinking what I wanted when I wanted, things began to unravel. An ordinary weekday evening would stretch ahead, and I would feel bored; I would open a bottle of wine to pass the time, and then I got to like the way it meant I didn’t need to tackle the various jobs left undone; it meant I could be ‘rubbish’. Now, I feel as though I have given myself permission to be rubbish at this time of day, I just don’t drink wine at the same time. Hence the new habits that have sprung up in the past few weeks: the TV watching, the chocolate eating, the bath taking. I don’t have to be busy busy busy all the time; it is ok to be sitting…eating cakes.

I would hazard a guess that many of us sober bloggers are organized people who like things to be well done and ‘just so’. We are probably pretty hard on ourselves. I am finding that to be successful in trying to be sober, I have had to relax my efficiency, not mind so much. The kids don’t notice if my in-tray is threatening to topple; they do notice if I don’t say goodnight to them because I am ‘cooking’.

So, still here, still counting, still hoping, still trying, still not perfect, still glad not to be perfect, and still a little bit rubbish.