Unsure

I am sorry to have gone quiet. I kept meaning to write a post, to let you know where I was, but the words didn’t come; I couldn’t write. But I kept thinking about my sober blog friends who had supported me all this time, and I didn’t just want to disappear. I always find it disconcerting when blogs seem to evaporate.

So, what happened? I was bowling along, had done 30 days, and was feeling good. But then I went away with my husband for a few days, and my plans failed. The problem is, I knew they would. In my mind, I wanted to drink, and I pushed away thoughts of sobriety, I squashed them until they were way way back in a little dark place.

I didn’t go mad, and I felt happy with my choice. But now I’m back home, and am not sure where to go from here. During my 30 days, I began to build up a real feeling of strength. Now I don’t feel weak exactly, but I feel in limbo. I am uncertain; I am unsure.

23 thoughts on “Unsure”

  1. We all need to do what feels right for us. You are the only one who knows what that is for you.

    All I can say is I hope you find happiness and peace and that I support you regardless.

    Life is a funny thing. Lots of trial and error!!!

    Anne

  2. glad to hear from you, Annie. I can’t and wouldn’t tell you what the ‘right’ or ‘best’ thing is for you to do. it’s so bloody binary, drinking.

    I can tell you that when I started not drinking I couldn’t deal with the idea of forever because I didn’t think I was strong enough to resist temptation. which was not a bizarre conclusion, based on my prior performance of being able to moderate. so I fixed my eyes on 100 days, chucked a shedload of sober tools at it, and kept to it no matter what.

    and after 100 then 180 then 365 days things changed inside me and I stopped needing alcohol, because I needed to be sober MORE.

    wishing you the very best, whatever you decide. Prim xx

  3. Your weekend drinks don’t negate everything you’ve done so far.

    And if necessary for your well-being, you can even continue your count right where you left off. Call it 30 (-5) +1, or something, because it’s YOUR count and you don’t need to follow anyone else’s rules about how to count.

    Someone in a comment somewhere once mentioned that to them, sobriety is like a string of pearls. Each sober day was a new pearl on the string. Having an off day didn’t diminish the fact that there were already pearls on the string. And eventually, she had more “pearl” days than not, until they were all pearls.

    Just keep going!

    1. I like this, SC. Good advice. Why should we feel utterly dejected because we have a drink or two after a period of sobriety. It seems unfairl to have to go back to day 1.

  4. Hi Annie, thank you for posting, I’m glad you are ok. I really love the pearl analogy that SC used. 30 days was great. You should be proud of yourself. A x

  5. Glad you’re back. I responded above to SC. You will be fine. Think how well you have done over the past 6 months in general, since you have been blogging. Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing great. hugs 🙂

  6. Are you unsure that you can stop drinking or unsure about whether you want to? For me, the latter was always the stumbling block. I’ve known the reasons I “should” stop for 20 years, but this is the first time I’ve actually really wanted it. And perhaps not coincidentally, this is the first time it’s working.

    Maybe you’re just not ready and, if that’s the case, I’d say don’t be too hard on yourself. That will just make you miserable. I know you will get there – it will happen when it happens.

  7. Be happy girl…with whatever decisions you make….live, love, laugh….life is too short to live with regrets…. Be kind to yourself…you deserve it.
    We will always be here….
    I hope I am, anyway…. Minds play tricks on us way too often….
    Xo

  8. Well, limbo is a terrible place to be! Try to make your way out of there quickly!! You did a good thing getting to 30 days! Best of luck to you! By the way, how is your tummy feeling since you drank?

  9. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again! Just because you tripped on a step don’t throw yourself down the staircase. Glad your back wiyh us, I was worried. Keep blogging, support is her no matter what!
    Mary 💗💗

  10. We are here to support you on your journey…all sober days count! I agree with SC..you don’t need to follow anyone else’s rules. This is a process which you will figure out in your own way…

  11. Hey there Annie, there are some great comments here and I know you read every one of them carefully x. If I think of long-term sobriety I get quite panic-stricken and…well…a bit freaked out, so it helps me to take one day at a time. Sober for today and all that. Counting may not be for you? Love from The Sober Garden x.

  12. Dear Annie,
    I have nothing to add.
    Just wanted to say, I hope today is going well for you!
    Peace and Hugs,
    Wendy

  13. Hi Annie: I was thinking of you and saw your latest post. Email me any time if you would like to chat. One day at a time my friend. All my love and support! Via

  14. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ve all been in your shoes. At the risk of sounding like a 12-Stepper (which I most certainly am not), relapse is just a part the process.

    The important thing is that you DIDN’T delete your blog and vanish. You didn’t say F- it and throw in the towel. A lot of people would. A lot of people do.

    Don’t let this one blip on the radar take away all that strength you’ve built up for those 30 days. You had one weak moment out of 31… the statistics are still very much in your favor. Keep chugging along. Your posts give me the strength to continue on MY journey.

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