I felt a wave of panic when I woke up this morning and remembered that I was trying to be sober again. But I also remembered that the relief I felt when I had a few drinks last weekend was brief, momentary; and was quickly followed by a resumption of the rules, the dealing with feeling grotty, the sense that things just weren’t right.
I know moderation doesn’t work for me. And yet, I always think it does, that this time I will have cracked it and be able to have one or two glasses, politely refuse any more and drink sparkling water for the rest of the evening. As I tread the dappled path, these moderation attempts become increasingly less moderate. I might last a day, drink only a little and be smug that I’m now a normal drinker; a day later, it will be as though I never had any sober time, the first glass leading to many glasses, the whole plan shot to pieces.
It is this failure to moderate which is the clearest sign to me that I need to be sober. And yet, after a few sober weeks, I try drinking again, convinced that it will be different this time, that I will have learned how to do it.
So, another Day 2, another look at myself and at what is really happening to me.
A Dappled Path 
Ban (or defer) all thoughts about moderating and the can i, cant i’s? Surrender to the 100 days fully so you can release yourself from the agony of off/on. I have faith in you! Go, Annie!
Annie, what good does the drink do you? Because as humans, we only do things that help us experience pleasure or avoid pain. So my assumption is that you believe alcohol is helping you do one of those two things at the moment you agree to consume it. So long as you believe it’s your magic feather, like Dumbo, you’ll have a hard time letting go of it.
You may appreciate this article from Tiny Buddha.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcoming-painful-desires-beliefs-that-feed-addiction/
Drop by and say Hi sometime…
https://parkinglotpushups.wordpress.com/
It is that compulsion to drink when I clearly planned not to the scared me.
Where was my iron willpower? My usual intense control?
Addictive behaviour is unexplainable. It overrides all sense and planning.
Find someone to help you. Maybe a real addictions therapist would be right. Someone you can tell everything to and who can help you plan.
Otherwise, surrendering to each day as a sober day is step one. Not trying to white buckle through it, questioning it at every moment, but just letting go of any option of drinking and finding other things to do.
Xoxo
Anne
Feeling at the exact place Annie does, I really appreciate your comment Anne. Thank you!
Annie, I hope you are having a good day. After my little slip I thought I’d let myself down and thought about starting again. Then I thought I’d stop counting days and just say “ok, I’m sober today”… this has worked for me because I feel like I’m controlling my sober days rather than the long slog of counting. I know I’m probably really weird and this may not work for you, but you never know.
I too have been in the same place you are so many times. Those arguments with the other half, being annoyed you can’t enjoy a drink but he can, feeling bad about what you said the next day… we both have very similar stories. The key thing for me has been realising that I’m not annoyed with him, I’m annoyed with myself. I’m not annoyed that he thinks I can’t drink normally, I’m annoyed I know I can’t. That’s the difference, that’s why we know we want to stop, because it causes us pain – emotionally and physically.
You need to do this for yourself, not because someone else says you have to… hope that makes sense.
I totally get the feeling of oh no, I’m not going to be able to do this, that’s why I took some pressure off and decided to take it day by day 🙂
Keep strong, for you, nobody else x
counting days doesn’t work for me either. because I keep looking ahead. I am not drinking. TODAY. that’s all I can do.
Great post Annie! Really introspective. Thanks for sharing your experience so openly and honestly!
So right there with you. I now know moderation is not possible for me.
I know exactly how you feel. I really want to have that one drink and then drink sparlking water, but I am so nervous to even try that. Great comments from everyone. All you can do is take it one day at a time.
Search your heart for the method you feel will work for you…either commit to 30 days or take it one day at a time. You have quit before so you know how free it feels not to constantly think about how much or how often you drink etc…having said these things you have to be ready to accept yourself as a sober gal…just for today…wishing you the best!