Those early days

I have been here before: day 4. Being in these early days of sobriety is hard, and I feel a bit stupid that I keep coming back to the start. Having done 30 days, 40 days, even 60 days, I know that it gets easier, and I remember beginning to enjoy the freedom not drinking gives you. And yet I keep coming back, having to start again; it’s a kind of torture.

When I was a little girl, I loved fresh starts: the new term, new uniform, sharp pencils, clean exercise books, that sense of leaving the chaos behind and giving it all another go. I still love those fresh starts, and there is something enticing about setting out on the journey, with a bit of new determination and a feeling that things will be different this time. So is it partly that as the freshness diminishes, the project weakens and it becomes…well,…boring? And is it this that makes me turn back to the drink, at first liking the ‘new drinking me’, the one glass only person, but quickly reverting to the sloppy habits of old?

Here’s what I notice: I am tripping up at the start.  Not at 30 days, but at 4 days. Sure, I don’t drink for 30 days, but I decide I am going to drink at 4 days, or at least I decide at 4 days that some time in the future I will drink. And from that moment, I am doomed to fail.

So much thinking. So much searching. So much trying to work out what to do, and how best to do it. For now, I will go to bed, glad that it is Day 4 and nearly Day 5, glad that I didn’t drink today, and hopeful that I will not drink tomorrow.

17 thoughts on “Those early days”

  1. Annie, May I ask why you don’t try an AA meeting? Remember it is anonymous. No one will judge. They are just like you. You could try it and if it’s not right you could stop but if you really are serious then you need to try something more. Routing for you!

  2. Searching, toiling etc…isn’t it all just so frustrating! Sobriety is the sole fix for this! If you are doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result then it’s time to try something different. You will figure out what this is I am certain…thinking of you…

  3. I sometimes think I will drink again….when I am 80! That’s what I tell myself when I have those thoughts. My son will be grown up and I can drink as much as I want when I’m 80. Hopefully by the time I am 80 I won’t actually want to do that. 🙂

  4. annie, I actually found day 4 to be the hardest actually. I have said this to you before. the detox is very physically wrenching and you keep putting yourself through the hardest bit over and over. honestly, the longer you go the easier it gets.; I promise. have faith, keep trying. I am on a very difficult journey right now, even harder than giving up alcohol was (for me anyway) so I am suffering pain like you. but together we can be strong, if you want something badly enough, (and we both do) we will find a way to make it work.
    hugs
    Lisa

  5. You will have hard days, easy days, boring days, top of the world days. You’ll have days in a row where you plan to give up some day. You’ll have days when you wonder how you ever thought it would be ok to give up some day in the future.

    All of it just means you’re working on this. Just like the rest of us. Don’t get caught up on days or feelings, they will come and go. Take time to sit with the progress you’re making, because you are, even if it’s not what you envisioned when you first began.

  6. Annie, this is the first reply I’ve made on your blog, but I’ve been following you all along. I can’t tell you how hopeful I am that you can do this. I’m in the same place as you; make some headway and then fall back. We are truly battling a monster! I am not ever going to give up this fight and I so hope you don’t either. One day we will make it and know the struggle was worth it. Don’t waste a fall. Figure out what when wrong and what you need to change. Whatever you do, keep fighting!

  7. I have lost track of how many times I have started over. Day 4 and 5 are the hardest for me. I do not leave comments but do follow your blog. Strength and hugs to you today and always.

  8. It is like torture, I’ve done it to myself many times and hoping this time I won’t go back. Just be kind to yourself.
    It helped me to stop focusing so much on the number of days, but instead look at it like a lifestyle change…not a destination just a process, a new journey, and new way to enjoy and live our lives. Good luck and day 5 is coming up:)

  9. SC always leaves great comments! I’ve followed you for awhile and I just don’t feel that you really want to quit. If you are deciding on Day 4 to drink again at Day 30, 40 80, why bother? You really would benefit from a significant intervention be it A A or in patient rehab. You’ve a lovely and loyal group of people cheering you on…it’s time for you to get serious about quitting. Stop planning to fail and asking followers to tell you its ok. As someone recently said, sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

  10. Hello Annie…It think it’s a perfectly normal part of detox to have all kinds of fluctuating and raging thoughts…I am here rooting for you. You don’t need to apologize for having more than one “day 1”, and I promise that beating yourself up over it is destructive to you. I wasted time doing that myself… It takes courage and tenacity to keep trying. If you know in your heart of hearts that you need to find a way to live sober and that drinking is a lie and a trap… then do whatever it takes…meetings, rehab, online groups, therapy…go to your doctor and ask for help if you have to. Keep going.
    xoxo
    Jenn

    1. Hello, Lisa. I am here. I have just read your blog and wondered if you were talking about me when you wrote about being frustrated by a blogger?? Annie x

      1. Hi sweetie. I dont think it matters WHO I am referring to. The point is that it is myself i am frustrated with and that i need to show compassion! I am PROJECTING my frustration on to others’ blogs when infact i should feel compassion for them too. We are all in our own personal struggles and supportive compassion and validation for others and ourselves is what’s most important.
        big hugs.glad you are back with us, you are ALWAYS in my thoughts you precious thing you. Take care.

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