Better late than never

It has been a bad week. My son has been ill, and this always throws me into a state of semi-despair. But this isn’t really why it’s been a bad week. I haven’t felt right, I haven’t felt good about anything, and it’s because I’ve been drinking, that’s the simple truth.

Old habits have crept back in. But they weren’t alarming as such, and I thought I could cope with them, squash them once the kids go back to school next week and I go back to my normal routine. I can’t ignore, however, the frightening realisation that things are badly slipping. A couple of glasses of prosecco with my husband?  Fine. Except that while he’s upstairs, I fill my glass with white wine and glug it down as though it’s milk. Tearing back from a hospital appointment on a dark, rainy motorway, desperate for a glass of something.  ‘Is it right that you’re craving this so badly?’ my husband asks with concern; I shrug it off and pour myself another one. And then, on my way to orchestra on the train, and on the way back, I buy one of those tins of G&T and drink them, and I have NEVER EVER done that before, because orchestra night has always been my no drinking night, and that’s something I haven’t found difficult to sustain before now.

So, you see how things are slipping?

And I shut down my blog for a little while, in an attempt to escape what I knew was happening. But as I closed the blog, I didn’t feel relief, I felt a huge sadness, and as though I was cutting myself off from voices of love, and of reason, and of support.

The blog is open. I am back. I am going to try again. I don’t know how I’m going to do, but I’m going to give it another go. People coming for supper tomorrow night, and I had already put champagne and wine in the fridge, for ME.  But one half of the couple doesn’t drink, and I knew I needed to buy her something not just fizzy water-ish. So I can buy some of that for me too.

I didn’t mean to turn you away, my friends.

31 thoughts on “Better late than never”

  1. Your blog couldn’t have arrived in my inbox at a better time as I am doing the dinner time battle in my head…
    We are very similar. I GET how you feel. I am on day 5 again (ugh)
    Hugs!!!

  2. Lisa is giving great advice.
    Just tell your husband. Tell him no, it isn’t all right. That you aren’t all right. You need help.

    I think you will feel a huge relief if you do. And your path will become clearer.

    These aren’t old habits, they are continued habits and you will constantly cross your own lines in the sand. I did.

    It is much better to get out before you have to.

    Thinking of you

    Anne

  3. You may have turned away, but all of us out here haven’t. Sending you prayers and strength. Love, Mary 💗💗

  4. Right now I am tipsy , no Im drunk, it not good….. it’s not good. I look at my hands… It’s a simple thing? But it’s not …..they are wrinkled, shriveled, but they weren’t that way before.
    The time I have lost, the years, the days, the lost consciousness .. Lost awareness… Lost life….
    Don’t waste it if you have a chance to save it.

    1. I know my comment it awaiting moderation… I was anon but It’s me Ellie & I can’t admit to myself how bad it really is… I’m pretty sure I’m older than you might be… Don’t wake up after 50 to figure this out …whatever they say after 50 things just aren’t the same, they just are not. Don’t wait to fix this !

  5. Annie the crucial part is that YOU ‘see how things are slipping’, agree? Understand you DON’T have to take the elevator all the way to the bottom. But you have to decide to get off. and not get back on. Day by day, minute by minute, whatever. But the elevator only goes in one direction. You can do this and we’re here with you. Just get off the damn elevator and you won’t ride it any further down. Guaranteed.

    Hugs,

    SR

  6. You’re in a panic, I’ve been there many times. Kudos to you for copping to the wine you stocked up on for yourself. Tell your husband who it’s for and tell him you’re scared. Ask him for help, you are worth it.

  7. It is so hard. I’ve literally been building up to this point for years and have experienced many failures along the way. And each time I had a blip I drank more than ever, getting every last drop in as next time would definitely be THE time. Last night driving from my dad’s feeling desperately sad about my mum, I could taste the red wine I wanted to drink the whole bottle of when I hot home, but I had to just sit with it and try to focus on how much I have gained in the past 55 days. You know those gains and compared to the losses they are huge. Please keep blogging Annie. Your honesty is wonderful and there are so many people behind you. But it’s hard. I know it is. But I, like Ellie above, really wish I had done it before my 50’s. However I hope I have made it just in time, and I hope you can too. Glad you’re back x

  8. You need help. Also, you seem to continually put yourself in social situations you cannot handle. A HUGE part of this for me has been accepting I have to change my life dramatically. Change who I spend time with and what I do. I love my friends but I love myself more. I don’t believe you are at this point yet. Once you’re honest with yourself, and tell your husband you need help, things will fall into place. I know this probably sounds harsh but it’s reality. I’m living it right now. I wish you all the best ❤️

    1. It doesn’t sound harsh; you’re right. I need to quieten down social things and put my sobriety first. These people are coming tonight, but as one of them is teetotal, I am hopeful I will be ok. Annie x

  9. I was so worried when your blog was down yesterday. I feel you are a kindred spirit. Tell your husband you have a problem and ask for help. I am only on Day 5 for the millionth time so know what you are going through but I am 70 years old and speaking from wisdom, do not waste your life on booze. You have a beautiful life ahead…and you know what you need to do. Youmwill get there for sure.

  10. When you know you are going to have a day with lots of triggers, such as the dinner with guests who drink, be sure to plan for it. Resolve not to drink,then be sure you have your favorite AF drinks available. Then email sober pen pals, write on your blog, take a walk, whatever it takes to stick with it. You will feel so much better in the morning after you get through a sober evening, then continue to stack up those days. No, it is not easy, but truly gratifying. You can do this!!!

  11. They have a saying in AA, it is called the “YETS”. I never drink on opera night….yet. I never drive drunk with my kids in the car…yet. I haven’t lost all my money, my husband, my life…yet.
    It sounds like that is where you are. This disease is progressive, it just gets worse each time we pick up again.
    Please, for the sake of you, your husband and family, reach out to a human. Go to AA, Smart Recovery, even your church. You will be so much happier once you are off this roller coaster.
    Sending strength, love and hugs.

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