The cycle of relapse

I first started looking at sober blogs last April, at which point I gave up drinking for 60 days. My next attempt was in September when I began writing my blog; I managed not to drink for 42 days. Little stops and starts that Autumn, but no more than 3-4 sober days at a time. Then this January, I did another 30 days. Last year, a sober blogging friend warned me against falling into a cycle of relapse, and I can see that this is exactly what has happened. I get excited about sobriety, I manage it for a bit, I get fed up and despondent, I drink, I love it, I regret it, I hate it and I start another sober plan.

And this is how it has gone for almost a year, let alone the years before that when I started to buy books about drinking, researched it on the Internet, saw a counsellor, asked for help, rejected help, thought I was imagining it…

My husband says we could build a small shed with the amount of sober books I have in the house.

I am making changes this time, and they are significant changes. I have grasped onto the sober audios from my kind stranger; I have committed to myself that I won’t drink for at least 100 days; I have reached out to some sober friends and let them know what I am planning; I have asked for help.

We are going to a party this weekend, a school thing at someone’s house. I am driving; I have told my husband that we won’t stay long, just make an appearance really; I will take some alternative drinks.

Reading this post through, I think I sound hard, and not quite myself somehow, as though I’m telling myself off. But perhaps I need to be tough on myself, to stop persuading myself that it’s ok to drink, that sober paths are too difficult to follow. I am facing up to the glaring truth: I cannot moderate, I need to continue not drinking, I need to get past day 5, past day 30, past day 42 and day 60 and on, into a new space.