Slow progress

People said I sounded strong in yesterday’s post. Thank you for that, because I don’t feel very strong. But I’m just moving slowly along, trying not to panic, trying not to think too far ahead. I’m on Day 6 today. A few things have happened. I met up with some of the mums who will be at this party at the weekend, and they were all talking about drinking. The assumption is that I will drink a lot, and I felt sort of sad that they saw me in that way. My own fault, as I’ve been to plenty of events where I have ended up talking rubbish and have had to ring people up the next day and apologise, but I feel as though I’ve got a long way to go before people see me differently. I know this doesn’t really matter, but it’s bothering me anyway.

So, although I’m trying not to look too far ahead, I am mentally preparing an action plan for the party. Don’t go, I hear you cry, but I am planning to go, and I am planning to go sober.

It isn’t all about how other people see me, of course; it’s also about how I see myself. For so long, I’ve created the party girl image, the big drinker, the laugh out loud person knocking back the drink. And even with bouts of sobriety, I haven’t yet tried to change that image. Some of the people who I’ll see at the party have been open about how they don’t like the sober Annie, how they prefer my drinking. If they are scornful of me, I will face it; I’m not afraid.

As part of my sober audio package which the kind stranger bought me, I’ve been sent a bracelet. I put it on as soon as I opened the parcel. It is the very first talisman I have ever had, a reminder of my sober strength, of my sober fragility, and of my intentions. I can feel it against my wrist, hidden under my jumper; I am so very pleased with it.

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21 thoughts on “Slow progress”

  1. Have you wondered why the other partygoers say they prefer the drinking you? My guess is that they feel conflicted emotions about their own excessive drinking behavior, and at least in the past could always rationalize it by saying, “At least I’m not as bad as Annie.”

    Those “friends” sound less than spectacular to me.

    I am proud of you for refusing to be someone else’s fool anymore.

  2. The truth is, when we are newly sober it is hard to relax and enjoy. Too many pressures. Too much anxiety.

    So they don’t even know sober Annie yet. I expect when they do you will blow them away.

  3. Annie
    the comments are above have blown me away. All so true and honest. Keep up the great work, yes, those ‘friends’ are certainly less than spectacular.
    Lisa

  4. Are they really friends or drinking buddies? You may want to evaluate who you hang with. I don’t get as many invitations to go out as I used to. I think some people are uncomfortable around people not drinking because they could have problems themselves.

    1. I think you’re right about this. I certainly have found it difficult when people haven’t been drinking, and I have been. It makes me question myself. Annie x

  5. Hi Annie, my name is Annie too. I hear my story in yours. Always changing my sobriety date. I have learned why your sobriety date is so important, it might be your last! I have found that AA helps me immensely . There is so much support from the people I have met. Online support is great but one on one seems to help me more. Day 107 for me after a few 30’s & 60’s. I was told not to count the days but make the days count! Don’t beat yourself up.

  6. If people are used to you a certain way, then I don’t think it is totally unreasonable for them to be surprised if you have changed. It is unreasonable to be critical, though.
    As for me, I always try to be the laugh-out-loud life of the party when I’m sober. Drinking might have magnified my outgoing characteristics, but ultimately they are mine. Realising you can be funny, warm, gregarious without booze is very liberating.

  7. Dear Annie,
    My dear friends like me sober now! I am just as fun, but now it is “nice” and warm!
    You will be too!
    Peace and Hugs,
    Wendy

      1. forgive me for not answering, this is the first time I realized that I had messages!!! I am hanging in there. Belle has been a great support– she really emails you back!!!

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