People said I sounded strong in yesterday’s post. Thank you for that, because I don’t feel very strong. But I’m just moving slowly along, trying not to panic, trying not to think too far ahead. I’m on Day 6 today. A few things have happened. I met up with some of the mums who will be at this party at the weekend, and they were all talking about drinking. The assumption is that I will drink a lot, and I felt sort of sad that they saw me in that way. My own fault, as I’ve been to plenty of events where I have ended up talking rubbish and have had to ring people up the next day and apologise, but I feel as though I’ve got a long way to go before people see me differently. I know this doesn’t really matter, but it’s bothering me anyway.
So, although I’m trying not to look too far ahead, I am mentally preparing an action plan for the party. Don’t go, I hear you cry, but I am planning to go, and I am planning to go sober.
It isn’t all about how other people see me, of course; it’s also about how I see myself. For so long, I’ve created the party girl image, the big drinker, the laugh out loud person knocking back the drink. And even with bouts of sobriety, I haven’t yet tried to change that image. Some of the people who I’ll see at the party have been open about how they don’t like the sober Annie, how they prefer my drinking. If they are scornful of me, I will face it; I’m not afraid.
As part of my sober audio package which the kind stranger bought me, I’ve been sent a bracelet. I put it on as soon as I opened the parcel. It is the very first talisman I have ever had, a reminder of my sober strength, of my sober fragility, and of my intentions. I can feel it against my wrist, hidden under my jumper; I am so very pleased with it.