Inner Strength

Not really my own inner strength, but an amazing bath oil of the same name: this is one of the things that got me through last night. That, and the amazing support I had here on my blog, and from Belle and my wonderful sober text friend. I must admit, it was very tough; I was shocked at how close I came to throwing in my 8 days, after all the help I’ve had, and my sober stranger audios, and my new determination…it nearly all came crashing down.

I guess I’d been worrying since the night before, with my angst-ridden train journey and my close shave with the g&t tin, that had unsettled me. And as Friday progressed, I regressed, allowing loads of undermining thoughts to crowd my mind. By 6pm, I was literally pacing the kitchen, it was ridiculous. I emailed Belle who sent me lots of incredibly helpful emails back, and I did this several times during the evening; I texted my guardian angel – her responses stopped me in my tracks as I headed for the wine; and I wrote a second post. Thank you for the comments on my blog which I kept coming back to throughout the evening. The idea that people cared about my sobriety, cared about me, helped me to stay strong.

I stopped pacing; I listened to Belle’s suggestion that I was having a kind of anxiety attack and I abandoned my preparation of the supper; I forced myself to run a bath and poured in this Inner Strength oil. By the time the bath was run, that part of the house was infused with this amazing smell and I felt calmer and more secure. Got in and breathed. Slight hiccup in the rescue plan when my husband got stuck on a train and I had to abandon the bath to go and collect one of my children, but the anxiety moment had passed, and I knew I wouldn’t drink.

It sounds feeble of me, but it was scary. The pull to drink was strong and for about 2 hours I felt desperately weak. But here I am, Saturday morning, bracelet still on, Day 9, grateful and relieved.