Day 11 dip

I was fine this morning, beginning a new week feeling good and on track with my sobriety. But within a few hours, I was planning my relapse. Here’s what happened. I joined some school mums for a trip to an art exhibition, really nice thing to do, and I’d been looking forward to it. Wandering round the exhibition on my own, listening to one of those audio guides, I found myself wishing that I was drinking again. Not just a fleeting thought, but a deep-seated thought. One or two of the pictures in the gallery were scenes which included someone holding a glass, images from a hundred years ago: elegant, civilised dining rooms, beautifully dressed women cradling tiny glasses of ruby liquid. It looked so enticing, so measured. It was a startling, unexpected trigger for me. I left the exhibition deep in thought: I wasn’t going to do my 100 days anymore, I wanted to be like the lady in the picture, elegant and civilised, I was going to ease myself away from the blog and drink little glasses of ruby liquid again.

These thoughts persisted through the afternoon. I texted my husband and told him I was going to drink again. Not today? he suggested. But once I got home, the sense of possible sabotage was waning, and I took the dog out, plugged myself into a sober audio and stopped. Well, I kept walking, but I stopped mentally sliding quite so fast.

And then a text arrived from my sober friend, asking how I was. I hung onto it, and immediately replied, admitting that I had slumped into a muddled thought process. Her kind suggestions reminded me that I was not alone. But I am frightened by today.

19 thoughts on “Day 11 dip”

  1. Annie I can relate so completely to your post today. Please stay on with the 100 day challenge I wish I had time to write more but I am at work…know that I’m thinking of you and rooting for you.
    Jennifer

  2. You will be so glad that you resisted in the morning. And your husband is obviously supporting you too. Imagine how you would feel physically and mentally tomorrow after a bottle of ‘ruby liquid’. Write down the positives. For me even the little things make a difference like being sober enough to take my make up off and remembering to take my vitamins. And I’ve not taken a single antacid tablet in the 65 days I’ve been doing this. An unexpected (and frankly quite scary) bonus is the extra cash! Much more than I anticipated when I factor in that we never need a taxi and my husband drinks less too without me encouraging him to be my partner in crime. You’re doing great Annie. Tomorrow’s another day. Give yourself a nice reward:) x

    1. Thanks so much for this thoughtful comment. It helps to remind me of all these benefits. I also remember to take my vitamins now! Annie x

  3. At some point you need to let the thought you are missing out and being deprived go. You are not living on bread and water. You just aren’t drinking alcohol.

    Maybe going to a meeting and hearing how others got through the early days would help you…

    Glad your hubby supported you. You made the right choice.

    Anne

      1. Did you read Allen Carr’s book the easy way to control alcohol?

        He really helped shift my thoughts from deprived to free.

        It took me a long, long time to quit drinking because of those feelings. I wish I knew the answer. From my side of it it seems so simple. Alcohol deludes us into thinking we need it to have fun, to live. But I do remember many many years of thinking about cutting back, quitting, etc every Monday and changing my mind because I deserved to have fun on Friday.

        My new truth is that I deserve to be free from the self destruction of addiction and depression. So I don’t drink. But is is not an easy switch to make.

        You are doing great Annie. It will come together for you. Just keep trying.

        Anne

  4. Hey, it’s pretty bad-ass that you said No. Remember – you’re not giving up alcohol, you’re freeing yourself from it. And if I may say so, your “sophisticated, tiny glass of ruby liquid” would not have stayed a tiny glass for long. So hell yeah! Hope you’re proud of yourself for flexing your muscles like that.

  5. Having just started my journey of being sober I have gone to peoples blogs and started at the beginning when they first stopped drinking. I’m thinking maybe you should read yours because you were so upset about having started drinking again and you were so sick.
    Great job not drinking today !

  6. Romancing the drink used to be hard for me too.
    But now, I am learning what real romance is, and how I look elegant or fun being sober and not drunk.
    I am so glad you didn’t drink!!
    Hugs,
    Wendy

  7. Good for you for not giving in!

    Anne said it well….as long as you feel you are missing out on something by not drinking …that thought will take control every time and it is very powerful! Focus on feeling free and not deprived…it will come..

  8. Seeing people holding wine glasses does that to me too. I was watching Downton Abbey last night with a seltzer and after watching all the fun they were having drinking wine I sent my husband out at 8 pm for a bottle:(. Back to day 1

    1. I find Downton Abbey a big trigger! Those actors are probably drinking cold tea, but I always feel gloomy after watching it, wishing I was drinking at a candlelit dinner. Annie x

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