Day 16 doubts

I’ve been having lots of doubts, and am finding this really difficult. The 100 day challenge seems impossible, 16 days a mere drop in a vast sober pool that I can’t swim across.

But there are signs from the universe that I need to do this. Struggling yesterday, the film that dropped on my mat was Begin Again. ย Mentioned by Mrs D on her blog a long time ago, and jotted down by me at the time, it is partly about alcohol and its damaging effects; I had forgotten all about it, and then there it was. So I watched that last night.

Then today, I woke thinking that today would be the day that I would drink again. And then I realised: not only is it my daughter’s 16th birthday today, but it is also Day 16, and that although this is a coincidence, it seems as though someone is watching out for me, nudging me in the right direction.

Big party this evening for my daughter, a dinner for her and her friends which we are hosting at home. I would normally drink through this, and miss it. And although it sounds obvious that I shouldn’t do this, the idea still hovers lazily overhead. It is as though I am sick inside.

Stay here, Annie, stay here.

Oh dear! I am talking to myself!

14 thoughts on “Day 16 doubts”

  1. Day 16 is amazing and I don’t think it is a coincidence, but that’s just me! I’m on day 50 of my 100 day challenge and woke up pretty much the same as you, debating whether to drink again, doing the ‘well only at weekends’ thing… Here’s what I do if it’s any help (it might just sound bonkers). In the morning I build myself a little room in my head with four walls, a ceiling, a roof and a door and I put myself in there for the day. Just for the day. It’s safe and as long as I stay there I’ll be ok – today. During the day I have the ‘I can drink again’ thoughts and I notice that during these thoughts the door in my little room is ajar and these thoughts are opening it making me look outside into a future I have no control over. The thoughts are like a nasty draft. So I go to the door and pull it shut and that’s it. With the door shut I cannot think those thoughts for today. Tomorrow is another day but today my room and me are safe. Gosh, it looks bonkers written down but I just wanted to share and say you are doing great, your daughter’s birthday party will be incredible and you will be a huge part in making such a lovely memory for you all. Take care. StellaB xxxx

  2. There are no coincidences! You are in good hands and being guided. Just please continue to go with it and enjoy. Day 16 is great! Enjoy your daughters birthday party. This is a biggie for her.

  3. As said by first two commenters, those things are no coincidence. Signs are all around you! I have had too many to list and they keep coming. Make your daughter proud, and more importantly YOURSELF!!
    Mary ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—

  4. My daughter is 18 and there will always be heartbreak for me when I think of all the moments I allowed alcohol to steal from her. I chose wine over my family for so many years. I will forever carry the guilt. All you can do is grab a hold of Day 16 and your beautiful 16 year old daughter and be grateful for where you are in this moment on this day. So much to celebrate tonight. Don’t allow alcohol to steal one more minute of this most precious life. Lock the doors on your sober car and keep the momentum going. You’re doing so well!

  5. Just think, when you look back at the pictures you can be proud about how good you look. No red face, crazy eyes, silly drunken smile. You will look PRESENT. Enjoy tonight!!!

  6. I try to envision those self destructive thoughts as a gremlin. (Like Belles wolfie) He does not want what’s best for him and when I hear him I make sure to tell him to be quiet and make sure the lock is on his cage.

    Day 16 is great. Just go through today and don’t drink. Your daughter will appreciate it.

  7. Try to play the tape forward. If you drink tonight, you will wake up tomorrow full of self-hate, and that will make tomorrow all about you and your demons. It should be about your daughter and her first day of being an almost-adult. I’ll bet she will remember a sober you even more than she’ll remember the party.

  8. To follow on from tryingsobriety, imagine what it would be like to be at Day 1 again. Feeling miserable, disappointed, ashamed, potentially embarrassed, regret, guilt and all of those other awful feelings that we experience after drinking. You’re doing amazing, keep it up, and just like you are here for us, we are here for you. Be kind to yourself ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

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