Midday. Thank you for all your support. I can’t shake off the feeling that I am sitting, watching myself, as though there are two completely separate Annies. Somebody referred to this idea yesterday: the alcohol voice trying desperately to persuade the sober voice to succumb.
Yesterday morning, I looked up a meeting, wrote down the address in my diary and determined to go. But I never went. I was too frightened, I guess because I feel as though going will throw me down a path which I can’t turn back from. Not a good reason, I know. By mid-afternoon, my alcohol voice told me to buy more drink, which I then drank that evening. And the saddest moment was when my husband came home, I got him to crack open a bottle and I then watched as he drank lots of it too, and I saw how tired and disheartened he became.
I haven’t yet had an honest conversation with him. Enlisting his help will throw me down the path I mentioned in the previous paragraph. I haven’t had an honest conversation with myself; I think this blog displays my lack of progress in this area.
And I am worried that even if I start from Day 1 again today, that I won’t be able to sustain it through the holiday which is rapidly approaching, and should I wait until I get back from that? But I’m always waiting.