Here and now

Midday. Thank you for all your support. I can’t shake off the feeling that I am sitting, watching myself, as though there are two completely separate Annies. Somebody referred to this idea yesterday: the alcohol voice trying desperately to persuade the sober voice to succumb.

Yesterday morning, I looked up a meeting, wrote down the address in my diary and determined to go. But I never went. I was too frightened, I guess because I feel as though going will throw me down a path which I can’t turn back from. Not a good reason, I know. By mid-afternoon, my alcohol voice told me to buy more drink, which I then drank that evening. And the saddest moment was when my husband came home, I got him to crack open a bottle and I then watched as he drank lots of it too, and I saw how tired and disheartened he became.

I haven’t yet had an honest conversation with him. Enlisting his help will throw me down the path I mentioned in the previous paragraph. I haven’t had an honest conversation with myself; I think this blog displays my lack of progress in this area.

And I am worried that even if I start from Day 1 again today, that I won’t be able to sustain it through the holiday which is rapidly approaching, and should I wait until I get back from that?  But I’m always waiting.

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17 thoughts on “Here and now”

  1. One simple question: Why don’t you want to go down that path? Isn’t that where you want to be? SOBER! (Guess that’s two questions.) I don’t think for you there will be any middle ground. Drink or never drink again. Only you can decide. Go to a meeting, if it’s not for you then at least you’ll know. But give it a good try. Thinking of you.
    Mary. 💗💗💗

  2. Going to my first meeting changedy life annie. Its worth thinking about very seriously. What’s worse? Giving it a go or being stuck in the perpetual pain of the no-mans-land that is the cycle of day 1s?

  3. The word NEVER is getting in the way of your progress….only concern yourself with today. Enlist your husband’s support if you wish but you can become sober even if he doesn’t believe you have a problem…only YOU need to believe you have a problem and only YOU can stay away from alcohol. Feeling your pain…

  4. I agree I would be terrified of going to AA too. Silly I know. But I would be able to go to a doctor and ask for medical treatment – which IS available.

  5. Only you can decide which voice you want to win. . . get behind the reasons why you don’t want the “real you” the “sober you” to move forward. Decide whether you want to quit or you think you “should”.
    Be who you really deserve to be . . have you watched Lipstick and Liquor? pretty eye opening . . (in my opinion) Hang in there and try to keep moving forward and doing mindful positive things . .You can beat this!

  6. You are already going down a path you can’t turn back from, and now there is a fork in the road, and it’s time to choose. One fork will lead you to sobriety, the other fork will lead you into bad health, more despair and very possibly your premature death. Isn’t it interesting that the fork that looks scarier to you right now is the one that leads to sobriety? Turn in the direction of sobriety. Go to that meeting. Every day that passes is sending you farther down the path you’re on and it doesn’t end well. It will never get any easier than it will be today.

  7. Yes. I so understand. That huge fear and pressure that if you actually voice the words, you can’t drink anymore,
    Exactly.
    And when I did it it was the catalyst for change.
    Taking that step out the airplane door is hard.
    You will do it eventually. Just try to remember that if you don’t, you might get pushed. And that is a scarier place to be.

    If you can’t make that step, try to focus on cutting back when you do drink. If you have a glas don’t just say f it and drink to oblivion. See if you can make little steps.

    That big scary step is actually a step into the beautiful freedom that sobriety brings. But I know it’s hard to trust that, even if inside your soul knows it’s true.

    Hugs Annie. Big hugs.

    Anne

  8. Annie,
    It took a lot of courage for me to finally be honest about my drinking.
    But once I did, I started to heal. I was so tired of hiding and feeling bad about myself.
    Hugs,
    Wendy

  9. I remember feeling like that, scared about the path that sobriety would take me on! Sounds like you are making progress, slow as it may seem to you. I truly hope you walk through your fear and go to a meeting, you will not be sorry! Keep tryin girl!

  10. It’s so hard Annie. Last year I did Dry July under the guise of cutting down but not stopping altogether, too terrifying!
    But it was 29 days ago where the cold hard reality set in that the only way I can control alcohol is by not drinking it. Mrs D has just done a great post about the two personalities that drinking creates http://livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.co.nz/2015/03/the-problem-isnt-me-problem-is-alcohol.html?m=1
    You’re at that point Annie, talk to your husband and make the leap, we’re all here to catch you xxx

  11. Yes I’ve also been where you are, the difference being I didn’t make myself accountable. I hit a kind of bottom, and then changed my circumstances quite radically, and managed to cut back my drinking. Slowly, slowly it crept up again. And I tried dry January because I was sick of drinking, then went back to it. Eventually, it was depression that was coming to get me, as well as Wolfie. I’d been there before – in terms of both depression and alcohol – and that made me realise I knew what lay ahead if I didn’t stop. And I couldn’t do that to myself. Some kind of self preservation instinct kicked in. You’re getting closer and closer to that point. One day, soon, you will abandon the fear of staying sober and just ‘know’ that you can’t do anything other than be sober. At least, that’s how it happened for me. The balance finally tipped in favour of not drinking, initially for 100 days, and I’ve just carried on…how long? I don’t know, but for now I know its the right thing. Hugs xx

  12. As much as I love my husband, I have come to the conclusion he is not the right person to support me. For one thing, he doesn’t believe that I have an alcohol problem. I think to face up to that would make him uncomfortable about his own drinking. For another thing, he is too close. I, too, feel like I might need some people in real life as well as online. It’s something I am strongly considering, although at the moment I seem to be doing okay. I think you need this, though. There’s nothing to lose. If you hate it and feel uncomfortable, you never have to go back. If you don’t, then maybe it is the start of a huge change for you.

  13. The prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore. You must decide that you want to enjoy your life and that there is no reason for stress, inner pain, or fear. by Michael Singer

  14. Meetings are the best! I’ve tried to quit on my own. It didn’t work. You need to feel and hear support from people and old-timers that have been down the same path. Listen to the whispers….. They are all around you girl…..
    hugs

  15. Just adding my voice to the many valid others above – all with heartfelt support. You are already on a path Annie and, personally speaking now, so that I don’t blow my mind with ‘forever’ talk and sprint in the other direction I take one step at a time, one day at a time. One step. You can do it x.

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