The path

My path is meandering at the moment. Thank you for all your comments and I am sorry I haven’t replied to them. I’m in such a muddle: one minute I think I just need to stop making such a fuss, get on with my life and stop obsessing about drinking/not drinking; the next minute I am determined to be sober, I start making plans, put on my bracelet, contact Belle and my other sober supports…and then I go back to that other way of thinking.

Doing the 100 day challenge – actually doing it – would help me get a sense of perspective at least, as I haven’t yet been able to get a good sense of how it feels not to be drinking for any length of time. Moderation is not an option, so if I decide to keep drinking, it is in the knowledge that I will drink too much, that I will feel regret, that I will not be looking after myself properly; but don’t people do this all the time, and not worry about it?  Do I overthink everything, worry about everything?

I need to decide what to do; I can’t keep fluctuating like this. And while I think about it, I fear my blog will be rambling and rubbish. So if you don’t see me here, know that I am still wandering along the path, but that I’m a bit lost.

33 thoughts on “The path”

  1. A major break through! You have acknowledged that you can moderate. I truly don’t think you are over thinking, this is life changing and it takes a LOT of thought and looking inward and that’s hard. Keep the “rambling and rubbish” coming, it’s good for all of us. My thoughts and prayers are always with you, don’t be out of touch for too long. 😘
    Mary. 💗💗💗

      1. You are so sweet, in the midst of your struggle, to respond to the comments. It means a lot to me and I’m sure others, it connects us even more. I think I’ve mentioned this to you before but I need to remind you that you, and Jean from Unpickled, where the two blogs I read back on September 6, ( your birthday 😊) when I started my journey 199 days ago. You saved me! Only hope I can return the gift. You are important to a lot of people and need to be to yourself. Ly
        Mary. 💗💗💗

  2. Please keep writing. I too am extremely lost and trying to make that move to non drinker status, but need all the help I can get and finding it so hard to ask for that help! I look to your blog everyday to see what’s happening and if you are finding your way. This blog is for YOU, so keep rambling don’t disappear!! Even if your lost, your blog inspires me to keep looking for an answer!! So thank you!

    1. Thank you for this comment. Sometimes I lose sight of why I’m writing the blog. But it does help me, and I’m glad if it helps you too. Annie x

  3. Here is my personal experience.
    I decided to “let myself” drink and tried to act compassionately towards me, instead of harshly.
    I could not make it work. Drinking when you know it’s not healthy is a selfish, destructive thing. I was unable to find any self compassion. And, of course, I continued to act irratically. So I knew inside that I was actually harming my family.

    There’s an AA commercial where the mom is passed out in the couch and the kids are looking at her. That was me. Definitely not all the time, but enough that it hurt to see it.

    That’s why addiction spirals downward. We can’t turn off the guilt and regret to go back to the fun. So we drink more and more.

    Be careful. A high bottom is a good place to stop digging.

    Lots of love and support.


  4. I too tried to “accept” my drinking. But I was harming myself and my hubby. And I was so unhappy.
    Keep trying.
    Keep writing.

  5. You could say; I’m not drinking for 100 days. If after that 100 days, I don’t see/feel any improvement, I can always go back to drinking. But you definitely make the deal for 100 days straight.

  6. Maybe 100 days is too much for you. Maybe looking at 100 days of sobriety is too overwhelming.

    Try something a little more manageable. Try 30 days. Make a plan like…”Monday I will quit drinking for exactly 30 days.” Then do what you want without beating yourself up until then but on Monday (or whenever) you MUST put it down…but only for 30 days.

    This will do a couple of things…it will take away the overwhelming feeling that 100 may just be too much and it will stop the negative self talk going on in your head that causes you to continue to drink. You know like “OMG! I’m such a mess. This is hopeless. Might as well drink.”

    Until your “go” date try this, “Okay, I’m drinking now and I’m going to enjoy because after Monday I’m not drinking for 30 days. I know I can do this because I’m strong and I really, really want to do this for myself.”

    You can reevaluate after 30 days but don’t think about ANYTHING during those 30 days except not drinking by any means necessary. Don’t think about forever and don’t think about drinking. Just focus on those 30 days.

    It’s just a suggestion. Take it or set it aside. It’s up to you.

    Hugs and endless support –

    1. I think this is a really good idea. I did 60 days first, but long before my blog, and it seemed so novel. The 30 days suggestion worked well, and I started the blog at the same time. And 30 days in January worked too. I just need to get back to that place, to remember how well it worked…because those days seem so far out of reach at the moment. Annie x

  7. I read some of your early posts, and you said you had done 60 days and 30+ days in the past. I don’t have a lot of experience to draw on here, but I do think that when someone does 60 days and then relapses, it becomes that much harder to bounce back. I’m not sure why that is…is it mental, or is it that the disease progression takes a giant leap forward every time we relapse? They do say this is a progressive disease, and I believe it. I’ve seen it in my own family, although I fortunately jumped off the down-elevator before I became so physically dependent that I couldn’t stop. The elevator of boozing only goes down…the only question is how far down we go before we decide to push the button and get out.

  8. Hey there –
    You know What you need to do. The How and When might be up for debate in your head, but the What is there and you know it. I hope you decide to figure out the How and When sooner instead of later.

    I’m in your cheering section…

  9. I could not have done this (210 days today!) without Belle’s 100 day commitment challenge. I had to make that promise and put it in writing, and my personal sense of integrity made me keep it. I had done 30 days before several times, counting down the days until I could drink again. There’s something about 100 days that breaks the patterns, makes you believe in yourself. You can do it, Annie.

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