From bad to worse

It’s not working. I’ve already failed. Even though I felt such determination yesterday, and a real zest for what I wanted to do, it has all come to nothing. One good day of feeling positive and motivated has been followed by another day of triggers and allowing triggers to get the better of me.

I don’t think I will ever be able to do this.  I remember listening to a podcast about not being broken.  Well, I am broken.

Feel free never to read my blog again.  Because this story isn’t good, or inspirational, it’s just useless.

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48 thoughts on “From bad to worse”

  1. Oh, Annie. You need real help. PLEASE go to a meeting or get some rehab. Why won’t you try? Your posts are changing. I am very concerned for you. You have an addiction. Blogging is a good way to diary your feelings but honestly we can’t help you like a real live person can. What is the worst that can happen by going to a meeting? Not everyone needs it but you need something more. Everyone there will understand what you’re going through. They’ve been there too. No one will judge. It’s anonymous. If you don’t like it you don’t need to go back.

    1. I agree. And I truly believe everyone could learn something at a meeting. Even non alcoholics.
      We all have struggled and problems. The 12 steps are a rational start to self awareness.

  2. As long as it’s out there I will read it! Your blog is NOT useless! You are NOT broken! Your words were an inspiration to me not long ago and sent me on my journey. This is a hard road to be on but I truely think for you there can be no turning back without disastrous consequences. Sorry Annie to be so blunt but I’ve been there and know that I was spinning out of control. I had to stop! You have to also! Your always in my thoughts and prayers.
    Mary. 💗💗💗

  3. Talk yourself in the other direction. I have to do this.
    You don’t have to be perfect.
    You don’t have to have a 100% perfect string of sobers days.
    You don’t have to follow “recovery rules”.
    You can blaze your own trail.
    You can be scared about this.

    Now I’m going to say something that may cause some people to be uncomfortable. If you think back I bet you remember when you could not believe that you could go 1 day without drinking. The thought would send you running for the hills. Right?

    Now you know you can do that and I don’t care what anyone says but that is progress and don’t you forget it. Dry your tears, you can make more progress.

  4. I read your blog because I feel the same way you do (most times). It’s a rough road and from what I can see you are about as hard on yourself as I am with myself. Please know that I read your blog for comfort because no body likes to feel alone especially when they are struggling with addiction. I too did Belle 100 day challenge and I made it to 6 months and then off I fell. I recently tried my second day 1, which lasted a week ( 5 days) and that has been my last attempt to date. Try not to be so hard on yourself and remember your not a bad person

  5. You are not broken. You are just stuck in this cycle.
    You need help getting out of it. We all do. Anyone not getting assistance is choosing a tough road.

    Could you be brave and show this post to your husband? Your doctor?

    The self defeating nature of alcohol works to depress us. That depression is real and dangerous.

    You have so much love being sent your way. Please accept it and use it to give you strength to help yourself.

  6. Your blog isn’t useless. It chronicles the hold that alcohol addiction has over someone desperate to be free of its clutches. When you truly decide that you want to be free, that you want to be present, and that you want to be healthy, you will take the step you need to take and get professional help. Rehab will offer you respite and it will provide you with the education that you so clearly need. AA will offer you the realization that you are not alone in your struggle. You have to change something and until you do, your writing about your struggle will remain the same. I find myself wondering about how much you drink every day, and I wonder how old you are and what shape you will be in five years down the road.

    Step One: You are powerless over alcohol.

  7. I was worried about you!! I failed as well. We desperately need to ask for help. Why is it so hard? I’ve been thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way. Keep trying … I will too.

  8. You can do this, the reason you’ve had some false starts is because this is HARD. It’s addiction and we want it but we don’t want it and it’s horrible. I honestly think you need more support, it’s not a moral failing, YOU are not a failure. Please keep posting, I will keep reading and I’m sure others will too xx

  9. When I was in the drinking depression, it never seemed to end.
    But I am proof, you can get better!
    Please reach out and get outside help.
    It is so much better.
    xo
    Wendy

  10. Keep blogging and asking for help. Time to try something you haven’t tried yet..a meeting, a therapist?? AA online meeting?? You are caught in the spiral that many of us have been in before…you WILL climb out of this…we are here for you but you need someone there to talk with….

  11. Have you considered possibly looking into in-patient rehab? I am asking because not everyone thinks of themselves as needing that kind of help, but if you keep trying and trying on your own, what’s the next step? You asked your husband to help you. What has he said about this? Maybe you could talk to him about going with you to a meeting, or talk about how he would feel about you spending time at a facility. Rehab facilities wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t a need for them. Just food for thought. I am not at all saying you should go to rehab, I’m just suggesting that sometimes what we can do on our own isn’t enough to overcome the hold alcohol has on us. Only you can answer the question as to whether you are at that point. And Anne is 100% right about the alcohol being a depressant. Think about it. You’re pouring bunches of depressants into your body every day. If you’re already down about your situation, alcohol just piles on and makes you even more depressed. It’s hard to see it until you’ve had a few weeks away from it. Please keep talking to us, and talk to whoever you need to in your life to get the help you need, whatever form that takes.

  12. The time I actually quit for good (well, for the past 1.5 years and hopefully for good) I decided that I had to do things differently than I had done them in the past. I realized that I couldn’t do the same things over and over yet expect a different outcome. I went to a women’s AA meeting, one time only, got my husband’s support, told a few friends, and started a blog. I also stayed home for about six months straight to avoid temptation. That is what I needed to do to get on the sober path. It is different for all of us, but you have to figure out what you need to do to make it so that it is more painful to go back than it is to go forward. Hope that makes sense. Sending you good thoughts.

  13. One day you will read this and be astounded at how far you have come and determined never to go back. That’s what it is for. It’s a story of a life in progress, and like all good stories it has a seemingly insurmountable challenge for the hero to overcome. You are the hero, whether you feel like it today or not. Keep remembering that. Every time you are tempted, peek a few chapters forward and see how things turned out if you didn’t drink. You have already shown through your writing that you are determined and courageous. If you start believing it, this is possible. Not easy, but possible. And no good story ever started with the words “I did something really easy”. Keep writing. We’re all on your side.

  14. Darling girl
    You feel broken but you’re not.

    I’ve been here and could have written your words everyday for the eight years I tried to stop.

    It’s hard. You don’t feel strong but you’ll find your strength and your path.

    Just be kind to yourself and when you’re ready more sober tools.

    Hugs and plenty of them.

  15. one of the main reasons it is so difficult to stop using alcohol is that it FUCKS WITH OUR BRAINS. and unfortunately our brains are the bits of us that we use to make decisions.

    so you are NOT broken – but you ARE consuming a substance that makes it (key word here) NEARLY impossible to make the right decisions.

    if we are finding it difficult to make the right decisions then the more help we can get in that, the better.

    I hope you can find both – the realisation that it is not you, but the alcohol that is the problem – and the help. good luck, Annie – you CAN do this!

  16. I replased many many times. It is a lonely and scary place. I indulged in self-loathing. Hate. Shame. We are humans. Sometimes we are weak. Sometimes we are strong. Hang in there. You are not alone. It is okay to start from the begining.

  17. Annie, think back to when you had 60 days, then 30, then 42 etc. You already know that you can get that far!! So you can do it again. Get into that mindset. Remove all alcohol from the house. Buy some sober treats. When wolfie comes calling, tell him to get away from you. You are haveing a sober day.. one day at a time. Email me if you need encouragement. I am here for you! You can and will do this. We are all cheering for you!

  18. Many people here care for you. But it’s not the same as having a true and real support system in real life. Many folks here have mentioned seeking that support and you always say that you are “thinking about it” or considering it. That cycle of wanting to get out but not making the changes sufficient to bring about that cycle breaking is endless. I was in that for years. A blog is great to express things, but it’s not gonna keep me sober. All the willpower and fortitude and “being strong” isn’t gonna amount to much, when it comes to alcohol. There is strength in surrender. For me, in-patient rehab for 21 days woke me up and did wonders for me. Being in 12-step has saved my life. We can’t save face and our ass at the same time. Get someone on your side – doctor, family, etc. This illness kills.

    Blessings to you and I hope you make the leap of faith that may save your life.

    Paul

  19. I think one of the ‘keys’ to being able to stop the cycle is recognizing and being able to say out loud that you have a problem. That part was/is SO hard for me, so I am at the beginning stages of getting out of the cycle myself- but I think I am finally able to recognize the magnitude of all this for me. I saw how my use of alcohol was changing for me, even more so than it was before. Making me feel worse, drinking at problems, making me feel scared and desperate and alone- unable to handle my life.
    I recently went to an AA meeting again and I was scared shitless. I still am. I felt like I had to step out of my body in order to go. I forced myself and it went fine. For me, going to the meeting was a sign that I was more ready to make all efforts in order to get out from these horrific grips of alcohol. I want out.
    I want freedom. I want empowerment. I want life. I want to laugh and play with my kids and remember every minute. And, I want to know that I CAN do it and I ACTUALLY have done it. I want to be proud of myself and love myself. I want all of these things and I know I can’t have them if I continue to drink. I know you want all of these things too. From what I’ve read, I don’t think you can have them either if you continue to drink.

    We can do hard things. You are enough. You are brave. You are whole. You can do hard things.

    I know you are thinking hard right now. You WILL do this. xoxo

  20. Oh Annie, you are not broken. Alcohol is a poison and it messes with our minds. It is the alcohol that is the problem, not you. I pray that you get the help you need. You CAN do this. We are all here for you. Thinking of you. A xx

  21. For goodness sake Annie. Why won’t you even consider the advice people are giving you? Go to AA, get a therapist, get medical treatment etc. I think there is a danger here of you starting to enjoy being a victim and all the loving attention you are getting. Not sure any of this is helping you at all.but then I am not sure you really want real help. All this attention and ” support” has simply become another addiction. Sometimes I wonder if you are even real or whether you a social scientist doing an experiment on testing the patience of the on line support group.

      1. Of course you’re REAL Annie!! You’re reaching out to REAL people for REAL help. And we’ll be here for you as long as it takes. Much love!
        Mary. 💗💗💗

    1. Sammy – that was an arsehole thing to say. If you can’t be helpful, can you at least be quiet? The last thing she needs right now is a blog troll.

    1. I have also considered the possibility that the blogger is a student conducting a social science project. There is something odd about it. Just saying.

  22. there is so much I could say here, and I am sure others might be able to say it better… but in my opinion any comments judging or speculating about Annie’s motives or intentions are at best unhelpful and at worst destructive.

    I have always found the soberverse on the whole to be a safe and unjudgmental place – which is a necessary thing because there are some very fragile people in it, already scarred by the events of our real lives.

    I hope we can all respect one another’s frailty and dignity and refrain from hurtful remarks. Prim.

  23. I think it’s pretty unlikely this is a social science project. Institutional Review Boards require signed consent forms from all research subjects prior to participation in a legitimate study. This is true even for research in which the participants are intentionally deceived about the nature of the research. I don’t know about the other folks here, but I have never signed a consent form to read Annie’s blog or leave a comment.

    In addition, even research that allows intentional deception to occur as a means of ensuring that the participants continue to behave “naturally” may not ethically be conducted if there is a significant risk of emotional harm to the participants. Given that so many of Annie’s readers are deeply emotionally invested in her health and well-being at this point, continued “research” would clearly violate these rules.

    Is it theoretically possible that “Annie” is a person who is just making all this stuff up for attention from random folks on the internet? Well, yes. But is it it likely? Not at all. The principle of Occam’s Razor teaches that the simplest explanation is the one most likely to be true. And the simplest explanation here is that Annie is a real person struggling with a growing and frightening dependence on alcohol.

  24. Yeah right and the whole world adheres to North American/ European conventions. The naïveté of this blog and those who comment is astounding.

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