I have read and reread everyone’s comments from my last two posts. I am profoundly grateful to everyone who commented, and I mean everyone. It is true that I find ‘tough love’ comments hard to take, but I recognise the wisdom in them, and I know they come from a supportive place. A few months ago I would have walked away from my blog, following an apparently negative comment; now I see the potential for discussion in people’s reactions, and the forum for debate. I still get hurt, I still find it hard to hear, but I suspect we all feel like that from time to time.
In the spirit of honesty with which I try to write this blog, I must tell you that I am yet again back on Day One. This follows a pretty sad evening in which I pretended to my husband that I was drinking an alcohol free drink, giving him the AF alternative, and then later hid a glass of another drink in a cupboard. I then stayed up late drinking more and slept in a different room so that he wouldn’t smell the alcohol on me. All this after I had promised myself I would drink nothing in the week, and only drink at weekends. And this was Monday.
Addiction. And me with no power to control it.
So, before I went to bed, I started to investigate how I was going to get some outside help for what is happening to me. I won’t write about this on my blog – at least, not for now.
I am going to keep trying. I am going to keep recording my struggles, and I sincerely hope I move forward. I have got this holiday soon, and it is impossible for me to avoid it, but I can’t wait until I get back before starting my umpteenth sober thing, because otherwise I’ll just drink masses, behave badly, disappoint myself and my family, and feel terrible all over again.