Madness

Still Day 1, second post today. Here is what just happened: 5 o’clock-ish slump and I started to panic about what I was embarking on. I asked my husband what he thought I should do – I couched it in terms of ‘don’t you think this sobriety plan is all a bit of a big deal, and don’t we like drinking wine at weekends?’ He looked confused, and said it was my decision, and he’d support me whatever I decided. So I skipped off to the larder and put a bottle of white in the fridge and planned my downfall. I emailed a couple of people who know what I’m trying to do, and tried to worm my way out of sobriety, apologising, laying a path for myself which would mean I was forgiven, could do what I wanted, carry on drinking drinking drinking.

NO.

Sat down.

Went back to where my husband was working and said that I did want to do the 100 days after all. He commented that I’d come to find him at 5pm, the time I usually text him at work and suggest a gin and tonic. He’s getting used to my tricks. I said to him, ‘I think it’s worrrying that I’m in this head space.  I think it’s worrying that I’ve just spent half an hour debating with myself whether or not to have wine tonight.’

Put wine back in larder.  Need to give wine away.

I could so easily drag myself down, start again tomorrow, never ever get to where I want to get, always make excuses for myself. It’s happened countless times before.

6pm now.  I’m still here.

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13 thoughts on “Madness”

  1. I think you just have to get to a stage where you genuinely feel “enough is enough”, it doesn’t have to be a low-bottom but only you can decide whether you really want to stay on this hamster-wheel or whether you are ready to get off and try for a new adventure.

    I am fairly new to your blog so apologies if I am saying stuff that has been said already! I too struggled with the 5/10 days in a row, just going back doing the same things every day, and expecting things to be different. And then one morning, I just thought “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep putting myself through this guilt every time I have a drink, sometimes daily”

    And I went into it as an adventure, to find the “me” I buried under years of numbing with wine, and yes, it’s been bloody hard at times, but I am loving this sober life, no hangovers, no guilt and the freedom from the constant should I/shouldn’t I battle….

    I am still fairly new into sobriety, just over 4 months at 127 days, but I can honestly say that life is good, I still don’t think “forever”, I just take it as it comes.

    I really wish you every success in achieving your goal, sounds like you really want it but just not sure how to do it?

    1. I like your comment. What would you say made it different for you this time? I’m seeing myslef in Annie and really want to get on with sobriety more than a few days in a row… Congratulations on your 127 days!

      1. Hi Diane, I can’t really say for sure, just that I was ready to stop living the way I had been doing for the past 20 years and didn’t want to feel borderline rubbish the whole time. I struggled for the first couple of weeks but I made plans, had strategies and whilst I still kept a lot of things the same, I also made some key changes. I tried things (hobbies) to do in my “drinking time”, and from Day 1 said “I don’t drink alcohol”, didn’t see it as “giving something up” but as getting my life back.

        I do struggle sometimes still, but play-it-forward to banish the “romantic” idea of drinking alcohol, the fact is actually I felt awful the next day, and drinking had just stopped being fun for me. Not sure if that helps x

  2. Annie, we can’t think ourselves out of this. I tried it, it doesn’t work. Please try an AA meeting. While I’m no AA expert and I’m on my millionth go around in sobriety, this time I have added meetings and it is helping me. I feel different since I started going. Calmer. More peaceful. Like this time I have a “shot” at sobriety.

  3. omg my dear! i wish i could show you how much easier it is on ‘the other side’ not having all that argumentative dialogue with ones self. keep trying, sober really does ROCK. i can feel your exhaustion! take care. xxx
    Lisa

  4. Just stay here, Annie. Give it a chance to become familiar and to see how it really feels compared to all that angst. Rooting for you, as always. X

  5. Yes. I expect your husband is like mine. Willing to avoid a scene wit a wife who swears she won’t drink only to vehemently defend her right to when that inner addict voice gets louder.
    Get rid of the wine. Have a long bath. Eat some chocolate eggs. Go to bed.

    We are all here holding you hand. It’s time for you Annie. You deserve it.

  6. Yes, give the wine away. And cancel any upcoming social events where you will want to drink. And tell everyone you know that you are taking a break from wine for “health reasons”, that you have found you really don’t feel well when you drink. Do everything you can to make it difficult to sabotage yourself, to make it difficult to change your mind and have a drink. Because we all know how easy it is to do that after the newness of the first few days wears off.

    Then decide that you will be as kind to yourself as possible (in other ways!), that you will let yourself do anything you want except drink. Stay in your PJs all day, watch junky TV, whatever you feel like. Anything except drink. This has to be an unbreakable decision: you will not drink, no matter what. You may feel antsy and depressed and craving, but that will pass. And underneath those feelings is the little nugget of “Wow, I’m actually doing this!”

    Before too long, the guilt and self-hate begin to melt away. Sooner than you think, you will be on the other side. And it is just as glorious here as everyone says it is.

  7. I agree with @tryingsobriety. You HAVE to make changes, and if having wine in the house makes it hard for you to stick to not drinking, you need to stop keeping it in the house. That’s where working with your husband comes into play. He needs to be on board with that. I know when I was first starting out, I had to dump out the wine, otherwise, I would have paced back and forth in front of the refrigerator all night arguing with myself! Find any way you can to shut down that debate with yourself. It’s like with children, when they want something that is not good for them. The answer is NO. If you negotiate with them, they will break you down. I will not drink. There is no debate. The answer is always NO.

  8. Have you ever read “Lit” by Mary Karr? It’s a beautiful read and explains the role of spirituality and having a higher power in helping you stop drinking. Even if you’re not religious (which I am not) I can understand how prayer might help.

  9. We want them to go along with it, I think it was good that he walked away and I think it was good that you walked away, too. He supported you by not playing along.

  10. Annie, I’ve been sober for four weeks and still don’t want wine in the house. Absolutely not. Tough titties if hubby likes to drink wine, he’s going to have to either do without or go out and drink it. Get. Rid. Of. The. Wine. Pour it out (down the sink) if you have to. Just get rid of it. Well done on abstaining.

  11. If you had a friend struggling with a heroin addiction and you knew she kept a small stash in her home, what would you advise her to do if she called to say “I’ve almost used herion twice today. There’s always some here in the house. I really struggle knowing I can just pop into the cabinet and get high.”

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