I am back in the UK, and having come from a trip in the snowy mountains, I have returned to spring with flowers everywhere and blue skies – well, today at least. And it is also Day 1 so I am feeling optimistic. But don’t we always feel optimistic on Day 1?
As we drove back from the airport, I told my husband that I was going to try not to drink for 100 days. I have attempted the 100 day challenge several times, but have never got there. I asked if he would do the challenge with me, but he said no! But he said he would support me, and as he doesn’t really drink much anyway, I hope it will be ok.
I do feel fragile. There is much work for me to do. Over the holiday, I sank into oblivion, and the self-loathing was intense and futile. I drank mindlessly. In the past, what I have liked about trying to be sober is the thought process, the thinking ahead, the planning. I know what works, but I need more tools this time; it needs to matter more if I fail. I have my meeting with someone in a few weeks, but before then I am going to explore other avenues. As I’ve said before here, I don’t want to write about that, but I am not ignoring the people who say ‘try a meeting’.
The sheer weariness of the past few weeks… I have felt so tired. Now I am planning to wake up.