Spring

I am back in the UK, and having come from a trip in the snowy mountains, I have returned to spring with flowers everywhere and blue skies – well, today at least. And it is also Day 1 so I am feeling optimistic. But don’t we always feel optimistic on Day 1?

As we drove back from the airport, I told my husband that I was going to try not to drink for 100 days. I have attempted the 100 day challenge several times, but have never got there. I asked if he would do the challenge with me, but he said no! But he said he would support me, and as he doesn’t really drink much anyway, I hope it will be ok.

I do feel fragile. There is much work for me to do. Over the holiday, I sank into oblivion, and the self-loathing was intense and futile. I drank mindlessly. In the past, what I have liked about trying to be sober is the thought process, the thinking ahead, the planning. I know what works, but I need more tools this time; it needs to matter more if I fail. I have my meeting with someone in a few weeks, but before then I am going to explore other avenues. As I’ve said before here, I don’t want to write about that, but I am not ignoring the people who say ‘try a meeting’.

The sheer weariness of the past few weeks… I have felt so tired. Now I am planning to wake up.

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5 thoughts on “Spring”

  1. i’m starting over again today too!!! i’m also trying the 100 day challenge. and i have relapsed repeatedly so you are definitely not alone. i, too, am a Mom in her 40s and hubby still drinks. he doesnt have a problem like I do though. when I get really down on myself (which is often) because I havent been able to stay sober, I remind myself that I’m not a failure unless I quit trying. As long as we’re trying, we’re making progress. I’m realizing that I need more support and that I should actually act on Belle’s advice rather than just read it. Let’s do this together. I’ll check in with you tomorrow. Good luck, stay strong and as Belle would say “take good care of you”. 😉

  2. Hi Annie, I’m glad you’re back. Day 1 is a good place to be. Hopefully day 2 will be even better. I am on day 1 today as well. I too went on holiday recently and gave myself permission to drink. Why do we do that?! I was so looking forward to having a sober holiday. But fear got in my way. So day 1 almost done for me (I’m in Australia) and I’m looking forward to day 2. We CAN do this Annie! A xx

  3. Yes. That tiredness is a heavy weight.

    Do you think you need your husband to help you with this? If you talk to him again, asking for full support, which perhaps means absolutely no booze in the house and him not drinking around you for the100 days, do you think he would agree? That is worth discussing. Perhaps he just doesn’t hear you desperation and is taking this lightly. It isn’t light. The downward spiral does not stop.

    I’m glad you are exploring other avenues of support. Take it one day at a time. Forget30 days, 100 days, forever. Just stay wake up every morning and tell yourself you are worth staying sober for. Just for today.

    I’m behind you!!!!

    Anne

  4. Hi Annie,

    Hooray for Springtime! !!!!

    I’ve had to use the weirdest tools in the box to stay sober. It’s weird and embarrassing kinda, but whatever.

    This may make you giggle: I’ve locked myself in the bathroom to be a weird troll sitting on the toilet reading blogs ( sorry to say many times it was your blog I was reading while on the john)…. I’ve busted into tears and then screamed ” nothing is wrong” ( yeah obviously)….. I fidget, get up, forget why I got up, dance around, then sit back down. ..laid in bed … one itchy morning, I wrote down an address to an AA meeting, ran out the door, while my husband yelled” hey where you going! !??” , to end up at my old high school and ran/ did stadium steps instead. …I’ve stuffed my face with almonds, chocolate, even a bunch of cucumbers and pickles…. I binge watched house of cards. .. I spoke to strangers for instant distraction. .. I go run at 6am…. I started a blog. … oh, this one is really weird, to keep my hands busy, I play with a binder clip when I drive and watch TV.

    Yeah, they’re weird shit, but whatever, it’s worked. .. haha.

    Happy Monday to you!

  5. Hi, Annie! Happy Easter and welcome back. I’m a little sad that your husband won’t join you in your 100 day challenge, but you can do it even so! And I’m so glad to hear that you are considering going to a meeting or two. Good luck and I’m looking forward to hearing about your progress! Hugs!

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