I need help. It is clear that what I’m doing isn’t working. Last night, I started to drink again. I have got myself into a rut where I stop for a day or two, drink, feel momentarily glad, then wake full of shame and regret and start all over again. I read all the helpful comments, and I try and follow people’s advice, but I keep ending up in the bottle.
I need more help.
I am not going to walk away from the blog, because the connections here are really important to me, and I need a space to write what’s happening, and to chart how I feel. Yesterday I read back over the first few entries of this blog: my voice sounded so different then, so full of hope even when I was struggling. And now I hear a different voice, a much more destructive voice, and I recognise how this is creeping up on me, and is threatening to take me over completely. Mid-afternoon it is like a hammer in my head, shouting at me to abandon sobriety and to take that first sip. It’ll all be alright, it says. And hours later it laughs in my face.
I am frightened. Before, I felt in control to a certain extent. But now I see that I have never been in control, that I can’t do this alone, that it’s not going to be as ‘simple’ as just stopping drinking. Because I can’t stop drinking; that’s the problem.
It is Day One again, but it is as though it it is my first ever Day One because it needs to be a completely different Day One. Everything needs to change, everything.