I am worried that my Groundhog Day cycle of Day ones may be off-putting to anyone reading this blog, particularly people in early sobriety who are looking for help. My current lack of ability to get more than a couple of sober days under my belt is depressing. But I always try and write honestly here, and my stumbling journey is an accurate picture of what is happening to me at the moment. I read a variety of sobriety blogs: people starting out, people way ahead, people starting and stopping, and I find them all inspiring in different ways. However, I’m getting depressed reading and writing my own blog as I seem to be so very stuck.
Yesterday afternoon, I texted my poor husband and said I wanted to abandon my sober plan. No way, he said, having listened to my ranting for an hour the previous night; but once he got home, I persuaded him that I wanted to go back to the drinking at weekends/no drinking in the week plan, and he agreed because I know he doesn’t want to stop drinking entirely.
I am stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck. All day, I will be intent on sobriety, stock up on tasty alcohol free alternatives, look up healthy recipes to make, dip into sober literature, all clean and new. But by 4pm I am crippled with anxiety by my intentions, and the slow descent towards the first glass of wine begins. And then it’s all over, because one sip and I’m off, draining glass after glass and all the while sure that this is the way to do it. The last two evenings, I feel as though I have drunk less than usual, and yet I have fallen asleep before going to bed, and can’t remember conversations I’ve had; and I’ve then slept so badly, and have woken with a leaden heart.
Listening to the Bubble Hour yesterday – I think it was the recent episode about Father’s Day – Jean said something about alcoholics/addicts drinking to feel normal, rather than drinking to have fun. Yesterday afternoon, I felt terrible, headachey and very tired, and when I drank, I instantly felt better. And as I felt it, I knew that I had reached a whole new stage of my drinking, and that I was in a really bad place.
It sounds trite to call this another Day one – I’ve had so many in the past, they become meaningless. But it’s the only place from where I can start, always with a sober plan in place, and good intentions, and then hopeful that I can get through the 4pm sabotage moment. I will write again this afternoon as those feelings kick in, to see if I can analyse more carefully what is going on at that point.