The morning after

I couldn’t do it. I went to the party, and I drank. Everything else went well, and the party was a great success, but I drank. And so I have failed my personal challenge only a few days in, and am not sure what to do now.

It happens time and time again, and I keep trying different ways – and still it doesn’t stick.

I felt so good last week, so determined, and so much better as the days went by. So I think I should try again, because every time I feel good like that, a little part of me stores it away to remember for next time. But I must admit, this morning it looks pretty hopeless, and I feel quite miserable. My mind is sluggish, I am very tired after the late night and the weekend ahead has lost its brightness.  I’m such a fool.

I know what I need to do, I know what I want to do, and yet I keep failing.

This time, I’m going to keep writing, even though it is painful to show you my weaknesses in this way, but I really value the help and advice I find here.

35 thoughts on “The morning after”

  1. Annie I am in the same position as you… stop start all the time. I woke up in the night worrying about my health so today is another day 1! I think I’ve lost count of how many day 1s I’ve had but hope one of them will the day 1 that sticks xxx

  2. Just keep trying Annie. I would have struggled with an event like that this in early days and you couldn’t have not gone. I struggled outside my tent last night but I did it. My first night camping without a drink! Ever, to my shame. I am so glad this morning and the rain and cold doesn’t seem so bad as it would with a hangover. Take care Annie and just keep trying. This is something that you can and will do x

    1. I hope your camping trip is going well. I managed a sober camping weekend a month or so ago, and felt so much better for those sober sleeps in a tent! Annie x

      1. It has been a real break. Sleep and walking and peace and quiet. I missed my six o’clock drinking cue but somehow got through it. However I’m going to cancel a planned trip next weekend as it’s a boozy one with others and I have to put my health first. I feel selfish but I’ve decided that it is too important now. I hope you’re doing ok Annie x

  3. Last night was a big night, there are few like it in our lives. Just accept it. You will naturally be down today and tomor after alcohol intake but by Monday you will feel better and brighter again. You can do this. Just sit with your emotions for now and they will pass. We are all here for you. X

  4. Each day 1 is important Annie, so don’t undervalue them. Imagine if each day 1 was a bead, you would have a necklace by now! And that’s definitely better than no necklace, right?

    1. I love that! It’s true, everyday sober is way more than I had last year, so I keep logging those days whether they are in a row or not. We just need to keep trying to line them up a little better. I know you can do this Annie! You are determined.

  5. What you do now is pick yourself up, congratulate yourself for a successful party, which I’m sure your parents enjoyed, and start fresh today. Read that list you wrote yesterday about what you’ll gain being sober. You can’t go back and change what happened, so let it go. Today is a new day 1. Keep away from triggering situations, stay busy, write often. You can do this!

  6. I’m just going to say it. Going to parties during the first week of sobriety is not a good idea for anyone, and you’ve heard that advice more than once. Today is day one. Can you say to everyone here that you will not go to a party or any event where alcohol is served for the next 100 days? It’s not enough to say you want to not drink. You have to make changes to your life to support that. Can you stand up today and commit to that one change? A lot of us had to avoid parties for a while and still find them hard. Do you think you’re any better at resisting the temptation than the rest of us? Of course not. Make that one change, even if you slip up drinking, keep your challenge of not going to events where people might hand you drinks for the next 100 days. Will you do it? If that’s too much to give up, then you may not be ready yet. Only you know.

    1. Sober Geek, I really appreciate your comments. Thank you for taking the time to write. I am not yet sure what I’m going to do, or what I can commit to, but please trust that I read your comments and really think about them. Annie x

  7. Hugs
    Let it go and start again. It is done.

    My only advice continues to be you need to be honest with your family that you need help. That you try and try to not drink and can not stop. That you are addicted. They will help protect you. I’m sure they see it. We think we hide it well, but no one really does.

    Perhaps you need to go to treatment. Time In a safe environment to take care of yourself. It’s not a weakness. You aren’t failing. This is a hard thing to overcome. People die from alcohol abuse every day.

    Consider it. You deserve to get off this downward spiral. It’s just so tiring.
    Anne

    1. I agree with this, and want to reiterate, I don’t think anyone struggling with this is just “weak.” That’s why I say that stopping drinking is never just about not putting alcohol in your mouth. If it was that easy, there would be no need for these blogs. It’s hard and requires sacrifices and changes to one’s life. Is it fair? No, probably not, but life isn’t fair. It’s your life, and you have the cards you’re dealt. Although not drinking sounds like a passive choice to simply not do something, it’s far from a single passive decision. It’s hundreds of decisions, choices you make on a minute by minute basis. Do I go to that party and try with all my might to not drink, even though I know this usually ends in me drinking, or do I stay away and go for a walk instead. Neither choice ensures you won’t drink, but one of them sure makes it much harder for you. Maybe the issue is that you really don’t see these decision points when they arrive because your addiction is progressed to the point where you don’t even see the choices in front of you, let alone be able to make the choice that supports sobriety. I don’t know, I guess that’s more of a question than a statement. Maybe a rehab program would help you past the first few weeks and get you on more solid ground so you can see your choices clearly again. You’ve been trying on your own for a while now.

      1. I don’t feel alone. The sober community helps me enormously, and I have found some sober friends through the meetings I’ve been to. It’s not enough yet, but I’m building it bit by bit. Annie x

      1. There are outpatient programs where you attend part of the day, every day.
        it’s surprising how when things become necessary, we do them and things work out. Sometimes we need to put ourselves first.
        It’s worth investigating. At some point you might decide it is the best next step.

  8. Annie…I think you are addicted to alcohol and you need help. Breaking this addiction is difficult and tricky, and it is the addiction that’s telling you that you can’t have a good life without alcohol. You can. You really can. You know you can that’s why you keep trying.
    Please reach out for help…rehab, outpatient help, AA, your family, Your addiction is telling you that you have to feel alone and trapped. That really is a lie. There is help from professionals and from support groups. You are not weak. You are just wounded because addiction is destructive and it’s hurting you. You need time away from alcohol so you can start to heal. You deserve it.
    All the best,
    Jenn

    1. Jenn, what struck me particularly in your kind comment was the phrase ‘you need time away from alcohol’ because that’s what I seem unable to achieve. Annie x

  9. Keep trying – your desire to stop is a great first step. Our mind will tell us things that aren’t true. Continue being honest with yourself and have faith. My sponsor tells me often “it’s a journey not a destination.” ~Keeping you in my thoughts

  10. Hi Annie Last night was about your parents. It was their celebration. If they had a memorable time and you added to their pleasure then it was a successful night. Well done.
    Now it’s back to the blessed relief of not drinking again. Next time you have a big event like that, remember what the event is about and just go and celebrate that. So if it’s a wedding for example, show up and be happy for the happy couple, make a point of meeting their loved ones, make efforts to help them celebrate their day. This is a suggestion that Mrs D made ages ago and it really resonated with me. Sometimes I get abit panicky about an event and convince myself that I won’t be able to manage it without alcohol. Then I think about what the event is really about , the reason we are having it, be it a reunion, a christening, whatever , and it suddenly gives me a focus OUTSIDE OF alcohol. It will seem easier once you have got some more alcohol free days behind you. The timing of last night’ s party was just unfortunate for you.

  11. Keep trying Annie. It was a tough situation to be in so early on in your challenge. Put it behind you and move on. You can do this. A xx

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