Day one

My second post today. I wanted to tell you a bit more about how things are going.

It would be safe to say that things aren’t going brilliantly.  I am still very much struggling with the alcoholic voice, especially around this hour (4.25pm) which is when it usually starts. Determined to get through Day One, its pleading voice is trying to undermine me, giving me the whole don’t bother thing: if you keep going back to drinking after a few days, it’ll never work; you will never be one of those bloggers who talks of the pink cloud and the brand new better life, so you might as well drink properly, stop worrying about it all, give in to it and be a proper old soak.

That’s what it’s saying.

But I’ve noticed that I now absolutely need to drink every day, that I’m willing to drink things like brandy if there’s no wine, that I will go to pretty much any lengths to get it.  And my 4am waking is becoming more frequent, my sleep so thin that I feel tired looking at myself in the mirror.

It is time to go back to meetings.  It is time to throw myself into this wholeheartedly, to embrace the possibility that I might really find sober me to be better than the not as hilarious as I thought I was drinking me.

In the last couple of months I have really wanted to give up on sobriety at times because I just don’t think I’m any good at it.  But I feel as though I am just touching the tip of being able to do it, that if I reach out – to people who read my blog, to other bloggers, to people at meetings, to the addiction counsellor I have seen and often cancelled, to my family, to my children who so desperately want me to stop drinking – if I stretch a little further, I will be able to do it.

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25 thoughts on “Day one”

  1. Annie, I too am going through this exact feeling. I’m back on day one and yes it’s just gone 17:00 and my voice is telling me “what’s the point” and “why bother when you’ll only give in tomorrow anyway”… it’s never ending. What can we do to get past this point of every day? I tend to clean a lot when I’m “trying” to be sober!

    Lots of luck to you and don’t worry, you are not alone, I’m here having the exact same feelings and one day we will do it, because we want to be sober x

  2. Hi, am with you too, been here before, got amazing help, advice and kindness from many people connected via the net-ooh-fear; Belle springs to mind first and foremost. Your entry could have been written for me / by me! My day ONE! For ALL the same reasons plus more…… Let’s do this together and be grateful we have a day one, we know if we carry on as we are, these first chances aren’t going to last much longer and I always hated the thought of being a number! Good luck lovely xxxx Hy

  3. Annie~ i am on day 2 and still at work but already thinking about a nice cold beer after i get home. hubby is working so no happy hour tonite. lol This sobriety thing is hard but we have to keep applying ourselves and our commitment. it will eventually happen- just the fact that you keep posting and calling yourself out is progress. we are all in this together. let’s do it!
    cheryl

  4. Stretch Annie.
    Needing to drink every day is not going to get better. Soon you will need to drink in the day. Or in the morning.
    It is addiction telling you you aren’t good enough. The real you inside is crying to be relieved of this poison.

    Do it. Take a big leap and hold on.

      1. I remember that feeling so vividly. Like I was trapped in a tornado and any time I tried to stop it just sucked me in deeper. It felt impossible and way too horrible to escape, but I was suffering in the tornado too.

  5. You only fail when you stop trying! Don’t listen to “Wolfie”, your drinking voice, as Belle calls it.
    Mary 💕💕

  6. Here and cheering for you.*

    Also, I needed my psych to tell me about the 4 am wake-ups (maybe you already know? I didn’t.), and that they happen because the body has been devoting almost all of its oxygen to detoxing from the alcohol and nothing to the basic needs when a body is at rest. The early am wake-up is because suddenly there is a huge shift when the alcohol leaves the system and it wakes us up. I had no idea of any of that. Those early hours were starting to get me really down, strung-out, and feeling a little crazy. When I heard the science, it made sense to me and helped to give me a(nother) specific goal to start a Day 1.

    You can do it.*

  7. Hi Annie I don’t know about you but I hate being told I have to do something. If I do something out of choice though I have no problem in finding motivation and staying the course. I think that one of the reasons I gave up alcohol last summer was because I dreaded being told that I had to give it up. Can you imagine how horrid and hard that would be ? Far better to jump than be pushed – in my view anyway. Xxx

    1. You’re right: so far, no one has insisted I give up. And some people in my real life think I’m quite weird for wanting to give up. But I know the truth. Annie x

    1. But I feel as though I am just touching the tip of being able to do it, that if I reach out – to people who read my blog, to other bloggers, to people at meetings, to the addiction counsellor I have seen and often cancelled, to my family, to my children who so desperately want me to stop drinking – if I stretch a little further, I will be able to do it.
      I love what you have written here because so many of us have been exactly where you are today over and over until you think you are going nuts and then one day we say – it’s enough !!! I’m exhausted and tired of alcohol consuming my thoughts and actions and I want a better life more than an alcohol fuelled life . You are right there – take a leap – you can do this !!! I know you can – the other side is way better – and the good news is it keeps getting better …

  8. Hi Annie,
    Keep stretching, you can get there. It’s not easy, but if you want something badly enough, you won’t give up. I’m here for you and sending you sober vibes. Just keep trying. A x

  9. Keep reaching out! Silence is deadly when it comes to recovery. When I’m silent my mind starts playing tricks on me. But when I speak out loud to another human being who has suffered as I have, miracles do happen. I’m still so new to this but I have faith for you, me and anyone else who wants it.
    Your words of truth are inspiring. And when you do make it further, you will continue to help others as a testimony to what can be. Praying for you!

    1. Quite often in the past year, I have gone silent, and it is at those times that I really sink (and drink). I’ll try and keep posting here. Annie x

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