My second post today. I wanted to tell you a bit more about how things are going.
It would be safe to say that things aren’t going brilliantly. I am still very much struggling with the alcoholic voice, especially around this hour (4.25pm) which is when it usually starts. Determined to get through Day One, its pleading voice is trying to undermine me, giving me the whole don’t bother thing: if you keep going back to drinking after a few days, it’ll never work; you will never be one of those bloggers who talks of the pink cloud and the brand new better life, so you might as well drink properly, stop worrying about it all, give in to it and be a proper old soak.
That’s what it’s saying.
But I’ve noticed that I now absolutely need to drink every day, that I’m willing to drink things like brandy if there’s no wine, that I will go to pretty much any lengths to get it. And my 4am waking is becoming more frequent, my sleep so thin that I feel tired looking at myself in the mirror.
It is time to go back to meetings. It is time to throw myself into this wholeheartedly, to embrace the possibility that I might really find sober me to be better than the not as hilarious as I thought I was drinking me.
In the last couple of months I have really wanted to give up on sobriety at times because I just don’t think I’m any good at it. But I feel as though I am just touching the tip of being able to do it, that if I reach out – to people who read my blog, to other bloggers, to people at meetings, to the addiction counsellor I have seen and often cancelled, to my family, to my children who so desperately want me to stop drinking – if I stretch a little further, I will be able to do it.