Day One again

Totally miserable this morning. Day One again. I went to a memorial service last night – the father of a great university friend of mine – champagne flowing. You know the rest.

Several people have commented that I need to avoid social occasions in these early days and weeks of trying to get sober; I need to take this seriously. I am going to cancel all social events for the next few weeks if I can, and hide away here at home.

I was like a mad person last night.  Once I’d had that first glass of champagne, I spent the rest of the time there seeking out more, crazy crazy crazy. I stumbled back from London, barely aware of what I was doing. The compulsion is intense, and I am going to have to do all I can to crush it.

And I’ve also just managed to put a pack of nurofen in the washing machine, so they’re not going to be very effective.

Sorry. I am hopeless and broken today.

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15 thoughts on “Day One again”

  1. I understand what you are feeling. We all do. There isn’t anyone here who has only had one day 1! That’s how I felt on the 14 th june. My current, hopefully last day one. My husband had driven me home slumped in the front seat with my daughter and her boyfriend in the back. I can’t even remember going to bed. My OCD started again as it does after a bout of drinking and I completely lost a lovely sunny Sunday . Yet I still craved alcohol the next day. But somehow I’ve got nearly two weeks under my belt. I feel stronger. As Anne always says the momentum helps. Take care Annie and keep blogging xxx

      1. It’s tough but there are so many positives already. I look and feel much, much healthier even in two weeks. These things make up for the difficult moments. I went into the garden this evening to catch the last of the warmth but had to come in as I wanted a drink so badly. Which would have led to at least 4 doubles- on a Wednesday!! awful. But I wanted it so badly. I’m inside though now with a decaf! And I’m glad I didn’t give in as I would have drunk tomorrow -nearly the weekend? And then all weekend – because it’s the weekend? I could always start again on Monday I would think. But I’ve been planning to start on Monday for more than 20 years. The time has to be now
        I hope you’re ok Annie. Having some sober momentum really does help x

  2. Annie, we can be “broken” together… (by the way, you are not broken, just a fighter doing her best)

    I’m back on day 1 again… somebody bought me wine as a gift and it was too tempting 😦 one day it will work and we will be sober, just got to find the tools xx

      1. Hi Annie

        I gave in and drank again last night – if only I’d logged online to see your message. Perhaps I wouldn’t have had a drink 😦

        I’ll keep trying everyday though – I need additional support I think but going to a meeting is very scary xxx

        I hope you are ok and on day 2

    1. Hello Soberchallenge2014. Don’t despair. Keep trying! I am on Day 2 today but I was hanging on by my finger nails so as not to drink. I’ll write about it when I post later today. Hope you’re ok. Annie x

  3. None of us is broken. We are just lulled into a deep sleep of unawareness. Addiction holds us there. Compulsion.
    It is hard to break. Annie, please consider showing your blog post today to your husband. Ask him to help you find help. I do remember so vividly being trapped in that compulsion, wanting deeply to act differently and not being able to find the way.
    It is scary and overwhelming and hard to break. But it is scary, oversee naming and soul crushing to continue.
    There is a bright light inside you desperate to be seen. Help yourself.

    Love from Canada. I wish I could come there and hold your hand and help you.

    Anne

    1. I wish you were here, too. But I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you read my blog, and comment – you help me so much. Annie x

  4. Just wanted to share that I went through a spiral down the last 6 weeks, especially, before I got to my Day 1. It was almost like a ‘sow my wild oats,’ or saying goodbye (again and again) before I was ready to make a solid jump to commit to sobriety For Real. I was driving myself crazy because I had suddenly gotten quite a bit worse than I had been, but I think part of me really started to believe the end was in sight. Maybe a sort of mourning, as well?

    1. This is so interesting. I have definitely been getting worse, things getting more out of control, and me ignoring it and hoping that moderation will kick in. And it never does. I simply cannot have ‘just one drink’. Annie x

  5. I think you have the right idea in changing your routine. It’s hard to stop when the object of our desire is being passed around on silver platters. But staying away from social events won’t last long. I recently went on an outing were beer was flowing, but didn’t drink because I have some time in sobriety. I had fun, and I felt amazing driving home alert and without shame. Keep going it gets better!

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