Day 2. I really struggled last night, and am so grateful to the people who commented – I kept checking back into my blog, and found their words so encouraging. They kept me going. I cleared up the supper, read to the children, then watched the film armed with tea. It sounds simple, doesn’t it, but those alcohol cravings are a kind of madness. The intensity of it terrifies me; the weedling, coaxing voice urging me to give up the fight, with all its nonsense (it’s not worth giving up, you’ll only drink again eventually, you put too much pressure on yourself, why can’t you enjoy life and stop worrying, you can’t be perfect anyway a little drinking problem won’t hurt…all that sort of thing).
But only Day 2, and it feels pretty overwhelming. I can’t do it alone – I know I’ll cave if I’m left to my own devices – so this afternoon I’m going back to a meeting. I haven’t been for a while, and it’s scary, but last time I found it helpful to hear other people’s stories and I felt less alone.
Reaching out. It’s crucial for me at the moment.
19 thoughts on “Feeling my way forward”
Good for you! For me it was necessary to pretty much sleep, eat and breathe sobriety for awhile to get past the hardest part (the first month or so). Have you tried Mrs D’s Living Sober website? I am a member of Women for Sobriety and have attended a few online meetings. The message boards are really helpful because you can send out an SOS if you are struggling and receive a lot of responses. Every little bit of support and positive action helps. You’re moving in the right direction! You’re doing great!
I love the Living Sober website. You’re right, I need to live and breathe sobriety, something I haven’t been doing. I really want to succeed. Annie x
I’m trying for another day 1 today…I totally understand how hard it is to fight the urge in the evening. I wake up every day determined to make it through only to give in to the cravings by 5:00. Keep at it, and I will too.
Those 5pm cravings are really tough. Annie x
Day 2 – wow! Awesome. Annie, I’ve only followed you for a short time, and I have to point out: YOU MADE IT TO DAY 2!!! Great. You can do this. You have a plan. And the comments from yesterday are still equally helpful today. Be kind to yourself. You have many people behind and with you.*
But now I’m back on Day One. Not proud of myself. Annie x
You should be proud that you’re here. You’re living a truth that many of us experienced alone and ashamed. Look at you living your struggles out loud and in front of us. That takes a lot of fucking guts.
This is a messy, scary process. Trust yourself and what you want. Allow the discomfort of the unknown. You will learn more each day. And you will find your way – you already are. That path isn’t straight or easy by any means, and gah. Some days it’s fucking invisible and you’re blindfolded. And moreso, that path – your path – isn’t the same as anyone else’s. Find your way in your way.* You can and will and are.
Talk back to that voice. Tell it you are not drinking. You are not listening. You are taking care of your needs.
And have a treat.
I’ve just loaded up on treats for the weekend. Annie x
I know now that I enjoy life a LOT more without alcohol, but I heard the same voices in my head when I quit. The voice would say “Why do you have to be all dramatic and quit entirely? Your friends will think you’re boring and lame. You don’t really have a problem.” On and on. But now 10 months in, I don’t hear those voices anymore. Sometimes I get a little nostalgic for that feeling of just checking out sometimes, but it’s really not hard to shut that down now. Know that the more distance you put between you and day 1, the easier it will get, but until you get some time under your belt, I agree with Jen above, you might have to eat, breathe, sleep sobriety to get through that tough time. I was the same way for the first couple of months. I spent a lot of time writing and reading sober blogs, trying to understand myself and why I felt the need to drink. Keep going, and great strategy, going to a meeting today! I think that’s great! You’re thinking ahead and planning in order to protect your sobriety. Keep putting it first above everything else. An addict plans and schemes in order to get their fix. They go to great lengths to protect their addiction. To be sober, you have to be willing to even farther to protect your sobriety. You’re doing great!
I really needed to reread this comment this morning as I start again. Thank you for the advice. Annie x
Just do whatever you need to do – hide under the covers, go to a meeting, run naked through the streets (well, within reason.) Just. Don’t. Drink. (Easy to type, harder to do, but kick the hell out of sobriety. Nail it.)
I haven’t tried the naked thing yet. Annie x
Last night sounded a lovely evening. In your ideal world, you know, the one where you could moderate, you would still wish (I think) to be alcohol free during the week when you had nothing ‘special’ on. Maybe think of these weekday evenings as no different to how you would expect a weekday evening to be in your ideal world. Not sure if that makes sense or not. I know that I found mid week cravings easier to handle as I just didn’t want to be a mid week drinker in my ideal world. Xx
This makes complete sense. Annie x
You got this!
If someone told me 6 months ago that life would actually get better without alcohol, I wouldn’t have believed him/her. But 3.5 months later and I can say for sure that my life WITH alcohol just got worse everyday, while my life sober has gotten better everyday.
Your blog (and others) has helped me tremendously; I’ve read but not commented until now. So congrats on day 2; it takes a TON of courage to go to meetings and to do this but, again, you got it!
You’re doing so well with 3.5 months. Keep going, and I’m going to keep trying. Annie x
You made it! And you can do it again. The meeting is a great idea.
The meeting was difficult, but ultimately I think it’s good that I’m going to them. Annie x