Before I start, I wanted to apologise for my post yesterday, which I think sounded self-righteous and arrogant. I didn’t mean it to sound like that. It’s sometimes hard to get the right tone here, and on this occasion I think I ended up sounding as though I was on a route to isolation; an ‘I’m alright and I know what I’m doing’ sort of voice. Clearly, I have no idea what I’m doing and am pretty much constantly floundering around. So, if you have been feeling peeved by what I wrote, I am sorry.
Someone commented yesterday that my blogging voice had sounded completely different when I’d reached double digits. I did what she suggested, and read back over parts of my blog, and I could see what she meant. It’s been so long since I had more than a few days’ sobriety, that my voice has got stuck. And so I am aiming to get to double digits. That may sound easy, but I have been caving so regularly, failing at sobriety has itself become a kind of addiction.
I am not trained in the psychology of addiction, but I’d like to bet that people who regularly drink a lot of alcohol, and who can’t stop when they try to stop, are also people who are addicted to other things. In myself, I see plenty of addictive behaviours: obsessive tidiness, too many shoes, anxiety about what people think of me..and there are plenty more. My husband says that I always need something to worry about, to obsess about; he thinks my attempts to give up drinking are part of that.
I know that I feel better when I’m not drinking. The discomfort in the lead up to the decision whether or not to drink is quickly followed (if I don’t pick up the drink) with gratification that I’ve avoided the temptation, and a real sense of joy when I get past the craving and out the other side.
So, I am aiming for double digits. My skin is tired, I feel unfit, I know that a couple of sober weeks will help me to feel better, and to restore faith in myself, that it is possible not to drink and to be happy at the same time. Another day one today, but more positive than before.