In a recent episode of The Bubble Hour, one of the guests was talking about having had one foot in sobriety (it may have been a leg) and one foot out: in other words, not being fully committed to being sober. Eventually, she had plunged in with both feet, and the sober life had started to work for her. It was a striking image, and one which really resonates with me at the moment. I try, but I can’t commit. And I want to commit, but every time I come close, I retreat.
Since I last wrote, I have allowed alcohol to get the better of me on several occasions. At the weekend, following an emotional family/school event, I drank so much during the day that I can’t remember whole conversations with people. And though I haven’t drunk very much in the last day or so, I am completely tired. I’ve been trying to relax about it, not feel so guilty, not worry so much; but the loss of control, and having no plan, is emotionally unsettling and exhausting me physically.
Before writing this post, I reread the comments from my last post – I’m going to reply in a minute – and I felt saddened when I read the hopeful, helpful and kind comments, people giving me strength.
I wanted to let you know how I was. I’m not sure where I’m going, but I am still here.
It’s unusually hot here in the UK. We aren’t used to this sort of heat. Chaos on commuter trains as heatwave hits! run the headlines. It is hard not to feel sluggish and demotivated. And some bad, wine bottle thoughts hung heavy in the air as I shopped this morning.
First things first, though: I got through last night, and am here on Day 3. Thanks for all your comments, which really boosted me. I found some olives lurking in the back of the fridge, made those mocktails and sat outside with my husband. He doesn’t know I’m on another mission, he thinks I’m trying hard not to drink in the week, so he didn’t question the mocktails. But it helped that I suggested them, because if I feel like drinking, and he suggests alcohol-free drinks, I feel rebellious and stubborn about it.
Today, I feel different, a bit worried and not so sure of myself. I 100% know that every single thing I do is improved with no alcohol in my system: all the decisions I make, sleep, reading before bed, interacting with the kids, with my husband – and I haven’t made a ranty call to my poor sister-in-law. And yet (I should have called this blog And Yet, I use that phrase so often), the perfect, chilled, one glass of something haunts me. It is total madness.
Only midday, so the cravings haven’t hit me yet. But when they do, will I be ready?