In a recent episode of The Bubble Hour, one of the guests was talking about having had one foot in sobriety (it may have been a leg) and one foot out: in other words, not being fully committed to being sober. Eventually, she had plunged in with both feet, and the sober life had started to work for her. It was a striking image, and one which really resonates with me at the moment. I try, but I can’t commit. And I want to commit, but every time I come close, I retreat.
Since I last wrote, I have allowed alcohol to get the better of me on several occasions. At the weekend, following an emotional family/school event, I drank so much during the day that I can’t remember whole conversations with people. And though I haven’t drunk very much in the last day or so, I am completely tired. I’ve been trying to relax about it, not feel so guilty, not worry so much; but the loss of control, and having no plan, is emotionally unsettling and exhausting me physically.
Before writing this post, I reread the comments from my last post – I’m going to reply in a minute – and I felt saddened when I read the hopeful, helpful and kind comments, people giving me strength.
I wanted to let you know how I was. I’m not sure where I’m going, but I am still here.
A Dappled Path 
Step one. Admitted you are powerless
Happy to see you back!!
No one needs anything back from you. We are just sending support.
Keep trying.
Yes, I agree with what Anne said ❤️
Just keep trying. I think if you don’t give up, you’ll eventually get both feet in. Try to be self-compassionate. Forgive yourself. This is really hard work we are doing. It isn’t easy and people rarely just quit. They have to try many, many times before it really takes. While continuous sobriety may be your ultimate goal, I think sober days count too. Hugs
Seems like it sounds so easy and for both of us it was easier in the past. Then it became difficult again. Once again, your post resonates with me today. I suppose it’s comforting to know neither of us is alone in this.
There is a timely post /link on Primrose’s post of today. Perhaps it’s worth taking a peek. It’s a link to Laura McKowen.
when the cloud won’t go away
I’ve blogged previously about not knowing how to help others whose sober journey includes relapse. and Mishedup left a brilliant comment on my post, to which I haven’t previously responded. she said, among other wise things: ‘But I have also had the experience of having been thanked, in an AA meeting, for saying that I […]
https://takinganewpath.wordpress.com/2015/07/07/when-the-cloud-wont-go-away/
This is the post referred to by primrose.
thanks for checking in and letting us know you are okay…as stated above we are sending you support…you don’t owe us anything but I do hope you will stay close. I also thought the one foot in episode described me perfectly before I got sober…I managed to get both feet in and read lots and lots of blogs etc. Keeping searching for the one thing you haven’t tried yet…we are all pulling for you!
Glad you’re still here!
Just keep at it. Day 9 here. Feel as you do, not “entirely committed” mentally but wanting all the good stuff that comes with sobriety. A day at a time…
I feel your exhaustion. That’s the point I was at this time. Waking up hungover was starting to eat me alive mentally.
Annie I can only speak for myself, but I think a great many of us had one leg/foot in for varying lengths of time. Sometimes this is what it takes. I have no idea what a sober-journey would be like for you, for me I had to be 100% convinced that I had to get away from alcohol. Then I had to be away from it long enough (I think about 3 months) before I started to get even a glimpse of what it was really doing to me. A while back, unpickled said something about “being willing to do what it takes to find peace and happiness”…for me a part of that is giving up the idea that alcohol can have a place in my life. Sometimes it’s hard. It’s definitely worth it. And you are worth it too.
Keep going, keep searching, and take care of yourself. I think of you often.
Jenn
Hi, Annie! I’m so glad you are continuing to blog and not giving up! And I am super glad you are going to meetings! Some people who are doing the 100 day challenge also like to do the 90 meetings in 90 days challenge at the same time, so maybe something to consider? Also, if things get really rough, you might talk to your GP about a day rehab program of at least a month – that way you could still be with your husband and children at night. I’m rooting for you!
I hope that you will still continue to post, good or bad. There are still other, like you, who are struggling with this vile beast.
Annie? There are many of us out here feeling your pain. Your writing about your journey has been so raw and open to newcomers to sobriety, and especially to those of us who try and fail and try again. You’ve built connections between we who are struggling and those who struggled and climbed out, one handhold and foothold at a time. You can be “okay” or “not okay” or “okay with being not okay” and there are so many of us who will understand with so very few words. It’s so hard. You don’t owe us anything, and you don’t have to respond to messages or ever post again. Please accept my admiration, and my desire to continue to read you.
Well said and I am sure plenty of us agree with a lady’s comment. You’re struggle is like mine, and reading you is making me feel less alone. Hope we hear from you again soon! Take care x
Hi, Annie. As you can read, we are all missing you and wondering how you are? You have our support no matter what’s going on. Just let us know how things are. Hugs!
Come back!