In a recent episode of The Bubble Hour, one of the guests was talking about having had one foot in sobriety (it may have been a leg) and one foot out: in other words, not being fully committed to being sober. Eventually, she had plunged in with both feet, and the sober life had started to work for her. It was a striking image, and one which really resonates with me at the moment. I try, but I can’t commit. And I want to commit, but every time I come close, I retreat.
Since I last wrote, I have allowed alcohol to get the better of me on several occasions. At the weekend, following an emotional family/school event, I drank so much during the day that I can’t remember whole conversations with people. And though I haven’t drunk very much in the last day or so, I am completely tired. I’ve been trying to relax about it, not feel so guilty, not worry so much; but the loss of control, and having no plan, is emotionally unsettling and exhausting me physically.
Before writing this post, I reread the comments from my last post – I’m going to reply in a minute – and I felt saddened when I read the hopeful, helpful and kind comments, people giving me strength.
I wanted to let you know how I was. I’m not sure where I’m going, but I am still here.